I realised I'm battling every day - trying to find my way to Jesus. I just don't mind saying it how it is. The disciples spent three years just not getting the Lord, following, committed and often not understanding what was said, or why things were done the way they were, or why they were such failures at times. They didn't mean to be - they just were. That's me. I feel like I'm trying to make excuses to get out of responsibilty, I feel like my honesty is supposed to free me from the hard work I need to do in my life. And Jesus knows it all!! He doesn't mind me having to learn hard lessons, He's so ahead of the game! Am I visionless right now? Maybe. Am I learning that Jesus loves me? Yeah. Do I want His discipline? I'd get nowhere without it. Jesus - pick me up - give me a vision of you. I'm slow to hear, so slow to see. Take me out of my world and blind me with your glory. My only fear is that I would stay unchanged, that I would be quick to return to my self. And how I love and truely long for the gentle saviour to bring me to quiet rest. This doesn't make sense to me any more!!
~Sweet Jesus, you never, ever let me go, oh, Sweet Jesus never ever let me go.~
March 30, 2005
March 27, 2005
much afraid
People are really good aren't they? People have been so good to me - opening their home, their friendship, their fellowship - and still I come back to my own home and find solace in being alone again - with a familiar self deflatedness and loneliness that I wish I was free from. I think it comes down to people just not being enough, maybe it's people being not yet totally connected as friends of mine - but I think, I know, it's more of a lacking within myself. See like Jars of Clay sing - "empty again, sunken down so far, so scared to fall, might not get up again...of all of these things, I'm so much afraid, scared out of my mind by the demons I've made" and the beauty and the answer comes with the only true message that comforts my heart and soul - "Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go. Oh sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go."
He rose again two thousand years ago by this remeberance day of Easter. Sweet Jesus rose again. Peter saw his Lord again - the failures that must have broken Peters heart, when he let down his dearest friend - found renewal and healing in the comfort of Christs love and Lordship as the risen Saviour called out once more to his beloved disciple and friend. That day when Peters heart was so empty and fallen, sunken down so far, Jesus never letting him go must have made him about to burst with cherish and joy.
Why am I empty? Why do I fall? Why do I hide my face from Jesus? I know that when He calls out my name, when He offers to meet me, to hold out his hand to me, when he calls me friend and shows me that I am loved so much by Him - I know my joy is complete. So caught up in self, so blind to Jesus, so cold to Him. I need to be transformed, changed, I need to answer the call of Jesus, I need him. Nothing else will satisfy, no-one or nothing else will do. Tender love, risen Lord - I am like Peter, I deny you every day, and I am much afraid, but my heart knows that you are Lord and I want to worship. Thank you Jesus - you are beautiful, you are alive, you are everything.
He rose again two thousand years ago by this remeberance day of Easter. Sweet Jesus rose again. Peter saw his Lord again - the failures that must have broken Peters heart, when he let down his dearest friend - found renewal and healing in the comfort of Christs love and Lordship as the risen Saviour called out once more to his beloved disciple and friend. That day when Peters heart was so empty and fallen, sunken down so far, Jesus never letting him go must have made him about to burst with cherish and joy.
Why am I empty? Why do I fall? Why do I hide my face from Jesus? I know that when He calls out my name, when He offers to meet me, to hold out his hand to me, when he calls me friend and shows me that I am loved so much by Him - I know my joy is complete. So caught up in self, so blind to Jesus, so cold to Him. I need to be transformed, changed, I need to answer the call of Jesus, I need him. Nothing else will satisfy, no-one or nothing else will do. Tender love, risen Lord - I am like Peter, I deny you every day, and I am much afraid, but my heart knows that you are Lord and I want to worship. Thank you Jesus - you are beautiful, you are alive, you are everything.
March 26, 2005
new pottery
Day of work is over, glad a friend is coming over tonight - cause there are lots of ways people leave you stranded - big and small, and the little dissapointments I'm finding more apparent as I grow, and I feel more of a need to be graceful, and hopeful. So a cool and calm and hanging out time tonight should be a fine tonic!
I'm once again an open book. Life has unravelled and the dream of street work in Albania is totally on hold, but not forgotten. That door was closed quite firmly shut at this time and in that specific place, and now I'm as unaware of what the future holds as on the day I was born! I had this picture of a new lump of clay, not that the old me and the work of the potters hands needed replacing - but I feel like I am about to be made anew, and this jar of clay is becoming a collection of humble designs. I'm okay with that - it's actually all that I want - to be made in the image that the artist has in mind.
Waiting and holding on tight as the wheel starts spinning. Splashes of water bring some smoothing over but really, this lump of mud is being plyed right now, and its not so comfortable. I guess we all need to go through the purely individual experience of being made.
blessings! Beth
I'm once again an open book. Life has unravelled and the dream of street work in Albania is totally on hold, but not forgotten. That door was closed quite firmly shut at this time and in that specific place, and now I'm as unaware of what the future holds as on the day I was born! I had this picture of a new lump of clay, not that the old me and the work of the potters hands needed replacing - but I feel like I am about to be made anew, and this jar of clay is becoming a collection of humble designs. I'm okay with that - it's actually all that I want - to be made in the image that the artist has in mind.
Waiting and holding on tight as the wheel starts spinning. Splashes of water bring some smoothing over but really, this lump of mud is being plyed right now, and its not so comfortable. I guess we all need to go through the purely individual experience of being made.
blessings! Beth
March 21, 2005
I want to try jet-skiing!
I saw "Hitch" tonight. If you've seen it - I laughed so hard when Sara saw her grandfathers name signed at Ellis Island! I think it's great finding out unexpected things about people. I reckon jet skiing in cool blue shades is an ace idea too... Enjoyed the film overall for its reminder of the fun of love and friendship. I'm learning about that in myself - I know now for some reason, that those feelings can be true - even for me. Funny how for 28 years that never exactly sunk in before. Hitch didn't bring about that transformation I might add! Just glad for the comedy.
I'm slow to understand who I am, and how I feel. I've loved and lost and not quite grasped the fullness of two in love. I don't mind - because I'm still free and life keeps on being new each day, and there is possibility for love - not only the love that I am called to, but the funny joyous kind too. Freedom to limit love, freedom to let it grow. Undefined. Family, friendship, people - I'm surrounded with opportunity - to be hurt, to learn, to be blessed. Life is tremendous with the good and the bad - but I have an inclination that there is a winning outcome in this openess to love.
I like a verse in a song that goes "I never knew I was built for hurricanes. My heart, my heart is a boat on the sea." Yeah the waves of the hurricanes, I know what it's like to go under, but the still seas and the caves and bays and the tropical storms, the pirates, seagulls and treasure islands are in the path of the sailing boat too - and how surprising it is to actually ride out the storm.
I'm slow to understand who I am, and how I feel. I've loved and lost and not quite grasped the fullness of two in love. I don't mind - because I'm still free and life keeps on being new each day, and there is possibility for love - not only the love that I am called to, but the funny joyous kind too. Freedom to limit love, freedom to let it grow. Undefined. Family, friendship, people - I'm surrounded with opportunity - to be hurt, to learn, to be blessed. Life is tremendous with the good and the bad - but I have an inclination that there is a winning outcome in this openess to love.
I like a verse in a song that goes "I never knew I was built for hurricanes. My heart, my heart is a boat on the sea." Yeah the waves of the hurricanes, I know what it's like to go under, but the still seas and the caves and bays and the tropical storms, the pirates, seagulls and treasure islands are in the path of the sailing boat too - and how surprising it is to actually ride out the storm.
March 14, 2005
interview attempt
Interview questions from Jenn ~
Here are the official rules of the interview game:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
6. I will answer reasonable follow up questions if you leave a comment.
Here are your questions:
1. Describe the place where you are when you feel the absolute freest and best you’ve ever felt in this life.
I remember one of the proudest moments of my life to date. I was in 7th grade, living in a small mission boarding school on the west coast of Africa - a beautiful, palm lined, sunny sky, beach coastal, red dirt road, simple housing place called ELWA (Eternal Love Winning Africa). Every year there was a science fair - a big deal to the school, as we lived without media and other entertainment things! I did a project on corrosion - as rust was a common aquaintaince with everyones property! I left the dorm family, walked out onto the beach road, then down the little dirt track through the jungle area up to the small school and on to the gym where all events were held. There were a few people around, it was just before the sun was about to set. As I got up to the gym hall entrance Jason Stonesifer was there - the most rebellious and goodlooking guy around in our wholesome missionary kid lives! He came up gave me a big hug and said well done. I was like - what on earth for? There were only a few elite who would win the science fair - Maria Blees usually did as she was aboslute intelligence personified. Still without a clue I went in to the hall where all the paintings and projects were displayed, and there was mine with a big "Grand Prize" ribbon on it. No way... it couldn't be for me... and it was! Not even first prize for my class, but grand prize of the whole school! I ran out, ran back down the dirt road, up along the beach and out of breath told my dorm parents, they were as pleased as could be, but no one felt like me - I was as high as a kite. I've never felt that exact way again. It was a feeling of absolute happiness, proud of myself, approved by people I loved and just full of life. I think being in that place of natural beauty with humble creation and freedom, secure in good friendships, being loved, and finding self worth and achievment is a place of joy for me.
2. If you could only have one meal for every meal for every day for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
I reckon it would be rice with chicken, chilli's, lime and tomatoes combined somehow with melted cheese on top, and an ice cold tall glass of water (I would detox from diet coke - cause would love being thirsty for water again) and maybe I would have a tangerine for desert and a small block of chocolate for something sweet. I think I'd be alright with that everyday. Healthy enough, and I just love the whole rice thing with those good flavors - and I'd eat it with a spoon - must be something to do with rice and soup days of Africa!
3. You are given the opportunity to record a CD with your new band and the first single hits number one on the charts. What is the name of your band? What is the name of your new CD and the hit song? And, who would you thank on the inside cover and why?
My band would be called "Ocean" cause it has a celtic sound to it, and I love the coast and the sea. The cd called "Anthropology" - would be influenced by Celtic, African, Albanian and American (African and Native and Other American) music, would be fairly alternative with gospel themes interspersed. I think the hit song would be called "no expectations" but not sure until its written! I would thank my sisiter Rebecca on the inside cover - for making my spirit alive to seeing people and life in a more realistic, humorous and artistic way. There would be other similar thanks too.
4. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?
Probably my confusion to knowing actually what romantic love is. It's alien to me, I have ideas and notions, and appreciation - but when it comes to living it - I'm lost. Agape love is my hearts first desire.
5. What piece of art speaks to you the most? What does it say?
I don't know... that's hard. There is one I like - just it's nice and friendly its called "Dominicans in Feathers" by Henry Stacey Marks. It's a painting of penguins on a cliff face. I like the colours and the warmness of it. It's hanging in the Museum and Art gallery here in Birmingham. I'll show it to you Jenn, when you come to visit! It would be excellent if you made it for a visit after Peter Munros wedding - we could even go up to Scotland to explore a bit, and maybe plan and trip with a few others too. Keep ideas coming. Would love to have you visit.
Here are the official rules of the interview game:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
6. I will answer reasonable follow up questions if you leave a comment.
Here are your questions:
1. Describe the place where you are when you feel the absolute freest and best you’ve ever felt in this life.
I remember one of the proudest moments of my life to date. I was in 7th grade, living in a small mission boarding school on the west coast of Africa - a beautiful, palm lined, sunny sky, beach coastal, red dirt road, simple housing place called ELWA (Eternal Love Winning Africa). Every year there was a science fair - a big deal to the school, as we lived without media and other entertainment things! I did a project on corrosion - as rust was a common aquaintaince with everyones property! I left the dorm family, walked out onto the beach road, then down the little dirt track through the jungle area up to the small school and on to the gym where all events were held. There were a few people around, it was just before the sun was about to set. As I got up to the gym hall entrance Jason Stonesifer was there - the most rebellious and goodlooking guy around in our wholesome missionary kid lives! He came up gave me a big hug and said well done. I was like - what on earth for? There were only a few elite who would win the science fair - Maria Blees usually did as she was aboslute intelligence personified. Still without a clue I went in to the hall where all the paintings and projects were displayed, and there was mine with a big "Grand Prize" ribbon on it. No way... it couldn't be for me... and it was! Not even first prize for my class, but grand prize of the whole school! I ran out, ran back down the dirt road, up along the beach and out of breath told my dorm parents, they were as pleased as could be, but no one felt like me - I was as high as a kite. I've never felt that exact way again. It was a feeling of absolute happiness, proud of myself, approved by people I loved and just full of life. I think being in that place of natural beauty with humble creation and freedom, secure in good friendships, being loved, and finding self worth and achievment is a place of joy for me.
2. If you could only have one meal for every meal for every day for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
I reckon it would be rice with chicken, chilli's, lime and tomatoes combined somehow with melted cheese on top, and an ice cold tall glass of water (I would detox from diet coke - cause would love being thirsty for water again) and maybe I would have a tangerine for desert and a small block of chocolate for something sweet. I think I'd be alright with that everyday. Healthy enough, and I just love the whole rice thing with those good flavors - and I'd eat it with a spoon - must be something to do with rice and soup days of Africa!
3. You are given the opportunity to record a CD with your new band and the first single hits number one on the charts. What is the name of your band? What is the name of your new CD and the hit song? And, who would you thank on the inside cover and why?
My band would be called "Ocean" cause it has a celtic sound to it, and I love the coast and the sea. The cd called "Anthropology" - would be influenced by Celtic, African, Albanian and American (African and Native and Other American) music, would be fairly alternative with gospel themes interspersed. I think the hit song would be called "no expectations" but not sure until its written! I would thank my sisiter Rebecca on the inside cover - for making my spirit alive to seeing people and life in a more realistic, humorous and artistic way. There would be other similar thanks too.
4. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?
Probably my confusion to knowing actually what romantic love is. It's alien to me, I have ideas and notions, and appreciation - but when it comes to living it - I'm lost. Agape love is my hearts first desire.
5. What piece of art speaks to you the most? What does it say?
I don't know... that's hard. There is one I like - just it's nice and friendly its called "Dominicans in Feathers" by Henry Stacey Marks. It's a painting of penguins on a cliff face. I like the colours and the warmness of it. It's hanging in the Museum and Art gallery here in Birmingham. I'll show it to you Jenn, when you come to visit! It would be excellent if you made it for a visit after Peter Munros wedding - we could even go up to Scotland to explore a bit, and maybe plan and trip with a few others too. Keep ideas coming. Would love to have you visit.
March 13, 2005
loved by God
I try to please God, I try to be worthy of His love, I try to demand His love, but none of this makes any difference - and in a moment He shows me His love, and He pours out His love, and it makes me beautiful in His love. My prayer is to thank Him, and my prayer is to see His love. This is true, this is wonder, this is love, this is Jesus and the love of God. My heart overflows with a good theme, the love of God. Loved by God. Holded by God. Treasured by God. Loved by the most beautiful God.
amy charmichael
Before the winds that blow do cease, Teach me to dwell within Thy calm; Before the pain has passed to peace, Give me, my God, to sing a psalm, Let me not lose the chance to prove The fullness of enabling love. O Love of God, do this for me; Maintain a constant victory. ~ Before I leave the desert land For meadows of immortal flowers, Lead me where streams at Thy command Flow by the border of the hours, That when the thirsty come, I may Show them the fountains in the way. O Love of God, do this for me; Maintain a constant victory.
March 10, 2005
catching the waves
My world is going upsidedown, or maybe not upsidedown - but certainly hanging in the balance - almost as though I'm waiting on a wave, just about to be carried - but don't know if it will take me under and cream me, or or if I'll ride it smoothly to shore. My heart has been open, and my spirit longing for the place I have felt so called to for so long. Already I think of the individual kids that I have dreamed of being alongside in their lives. And it might all happen still, it might all be a miscommunication. I wrote a special, good man that I wasn't ready to say a marriage yes to him, and he wrote - if that were so - I should not come at all. Why would he say that? It has to be miscommunication! So I decided I will not yet grieve this, I wont believe that he means what he says. I'll believe he is only hurt, and in a few days he will write or call, and he would accept me as I am (expectant of feelings of love, in time, in such precious service together) So I'll silently wait, waiting for the wave to break.
March 05, 2005
home from work
It's a cold evening, just finished work, and tomorrow is a day off... nice. Mothers Day is tomorrow - over here - this side of the Atlantic, and will hopefully go to church with the parents and it'll be nice to be there once again. I think I'll go out and see "Life Aquatic" tonight with my old friend Mark. So normality rules. Quite nice really. Everything's 'nice'! Need that though - the chilling out time - but with it is a dormant thought of what I need to do - to live this life well. Although some things are on hold, and I choose to just switch off and relax - I want to keep up with the essentials in the long run - time with God, healthy living, being the best I can be. Often just hopeful hopes! Anyway - just capturing my feelings before my small weekend begins! Hope all is well with Chicago life at the moment.
March 03, 2005
back to basics
I saw "Corporation" tonight. It's good. A bit of a bombardment of information - but really worthwhile. All of this stuff is beginning to sink in. Want to return to happiness and joy and good living amongst people in good communities - but there is such a weight to this world! It was good to confirm and solidify the mistrust in the corporation ways of this generation. It will be interesting to see how people (me inparticular) find a way to live differently in light of such info. Crazy thing is I was hungry for a MacDonalds throughout the film!
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