March 21, 2005

I want to try jet-skiing!

I saw "Hitch" tonight. If you've seen it - I laughed so hard when Sara saw her grandfathers name signed at Ellis Island! I think it's great finding out unexpected things about people. I reckon jet skiing in cool blue shades is an ace idea too... Enjoyed the film overall for its reminder of the fun of love and friendship. I'm learning about that in myself - I know now for some reason, that those feelings can be true - even for me. Funny how for 28 years that never exactly sunk in before. Hitch didn't bring about that transformation I might add! Just glad for the comedy.

I'm slow to understand who I am, and how I feel. I've loved and lost and not quite grasped the fullness of two in love. I don't mind - because I'm still free and life keeps on being new each day, and there is possibility for love - not only the love that I am called to, but the funny joyous kind too. Freedom to limit love, freedom to let it grow. Undefined. Family, friendship, people - I'm surrounded with opportunity - to be hurt, to learn, to be blessed. Life is tremendous with the good and the bad - but I have an inclination that there is a winning outcome in this openess to love.

I like a verse in a song that goes "I never knew I was built for hurricanes. My heart, my heart is a boat on the sea." Yeah the waves of the hurricanes, I know what it's like to go under, but the still seas and the caves and bays and the tropical storms, the pirates, seagulls and treasure islands are in the path of the sailing boat too - and how surprising it is to actually ride out the storm.


Jenn said...

it's always good to read your blog make me think about how best to describe how I feel. I wish I felt compelled to always be so honest about my feelings. I confess, emotional vulnerability isn't usually my first inclination. Do you think, though, it's possible that I'm just holding out for too much perfection? Maybe I'm just waiting until everything is exactly as it should be and failing to live in what it is. I don't know. I like the idea of reality, of the moment, but I rarely live in it. I'm always hovering just above it, lost in idealism and philosophy about life and love. Am I doomed to a life of philosophy without practice? I know I can't change who I am, but who will love me this way? I see all my flaws and problems and sins and I think it isn't possible for me to be truly loved by anybody...i feel totally unloveable. Communication is a huge thing to me. I always want to communicate to those I love that I love and care about them. I suppose if I ever find a husband and have a child or two, I would want more than anything for them to know I love them. But all this love I long to be able to give doesn't get expressed because of fear or whatever. I don't know what holds me back. This is a really long comment...sorry.

beth smith said...

I think you are one of the most emotionally vulnerable people I know. I know that I've learnt to be more honest about my self becasue of you.

You know, I just wrote out a paragraph or two about what I think, and the internet connection cut off, so it all got lost. So upset about that!! I'll try and recap.

I've been reading your and Allan's last conversation, and I think it is so right to be truthful about who we really are, how we feel and where we are at. I don't know why it is such a rare thing to find amongst us all, and because of that I suppose we think that the only ones with rubbish within ourselves is ourselves. How could we dare welcome Jesus in to the most dispicable and foolish and selfish parts of ourselves, knowing propably that this stuff wont even go away with the best of intentions. How could God love this? Should He still love me? Will He still love me? I wouldn't still love me. But I can't believe that Jesus would walk away. I want that loving involvement, not the condemning that I'm ready to beleive, and that I think I am worthy of most moments of each day.

I think the worth that God sees of the heart that cares, is wonderful to Him, cause He loves the unloved and he hates the injustice. He's going to do these things through our lives - cause He will invest 100% in us - in His way, in His time. I like what Allan has written - that Jesus values us. I wonder what will happen with the more that I live as I beleive that to be true, I wonder what freedom I'll find and what changes will continue to develop in my contradictory self.

I'm a mystry, I'm a mess, I'm rubbish and I'm blessed and I'm me. Take me as I am God, love me and make me like you - in a way that only you can do. Jesus held Peters hand tightly as he sunk towards drowning. We'll never drown, and we'll do more than we imagined that God would ever do with our lives.