April 30, 2006

Isle of Lewis

I've been up in the islands of Scotland for the last 2 weeks - visiting churches and schools speaking about Albania and missions and my testimony. It's been challenging and great - spoke at 22 meetings altogether. There are lots of people that will now be praying for me as I go out in the middle of July. The Isle of Lewis is my home really - my dad is from there - but as we grew up all over the place I've never lived there - so was a gift to be able to speak accross the island and be known. Life is so full, and daily bringing its own growth and choices - I'm grateful, know a faithful God, and still live with myself and all my weakness. Gotta keep fighting to stay afloat and live in fullness. Don't think I'll ever get round the mystery of being alive and journeying to heaven - gotta keep on making this life count - and it's only in looking to Jesus and finding my way close to Him in the midst of it all. Keep on looking to be overwhelmed by His love, for both myself and others.

April 05, 2006

Noah and Jacob

My beautiful nephews. I will miss them when I go to Albania. I wish I knew them better even now.,I don't live near them, so don't see them as much as I would love to. Noah is amazing. He loves talking, learning about everything, achieving everything - he'll face a challenge and come out the winner! Jacob is beautiful. So calm, so sullen, loves him Mum, loves his food. I remember them first born. It's such a priveledge to be related to children. God's wonder and miracles are magnified in these little ones - so complete and full as individuals - they will just keep on growing up. Love these boys - want to know them well.

April 04, 2006


Any advice for me on my expectation thoughts in the blog below?
Is it too abstract?

Seems like reading about potential for so much - transformation of world, living in community, the kingdom of heaven... well expectation should be high - right? I want to be running into the radical of the simple faith and living out the reality, being like Jesus - in joy and suffering and relationships too.(I'm one who could be highly idealistic...I don't think that's bad, I want to be.)

I believe in what I wrote though about "no expectations" (I wouldn't die on a hill for it however..!), and I think it is a certain way of life, but I sure don't want it to be a self protection that is limiting. I think I've got some wisdom there - but I wonder if there is any insightful ones who can see "yeah - that's good", or "well.... not too sure about that...."

April 03, 2006


I'm learning about not having expectations.

I used to live that way - in regard to travelling to new places. I found myself in that wide open space of no expectaions. It didn't mean that I would not recognise wonder or when something was likable or unlikable, nor was I without emotion. I would go to new places literally with no expectations of what I would see or feel or what I would gain - and with wide open eyes and an adventurous heart I had so much curiosity and enjoyment of everything I found. Not having expectations - meant that the possibilities were endless, unthought of, unlimited.

I can't say that it's been the same with life - and with friendships - these things are truely intricate! So tied up in experiences, emotions, hearts, minds. There is so much potential to be affected in good and bad ways through relationships, through family, through friends. It's near impossible to not begin to have expectations - of either being hurt or being cared for. That journey of building expectations began as a baby. My array of expectations of others have gone from innate, high ideals, shattered and all the other varrying degrees over the years. In more recent times as I gradually once again grew in daring to be known, loving and being loved - somehow with that acheivement came a flood, a return of expectations, hopes and high ideals. And again such potential for dissapointment!

Dissapointment is not bad. It's life - it's even valid. There is no one who has all as they would wish - it's not up to us to have all we want and the perfect life for our own sakes. No one has that place on this earth. God alone has that right. No one is exempt from dissapointment, and dissapointment is not bad - it's valid, it's reality. We should learn to accept it, but that does not mean we are without passion or right desires or acheivement and without fight for what we want and believe in. Ideals are good - but not at the cost selfishness and the perfect world for me, how I imagine things should be or what I think is best. Me is not the aim. We as individuals cannot provide or obtain what is perfect for us. Gifts to our lives come from outwith ourselves. We cannot create our perfect world, where people are as we desire them to be, or where verything is in its place, and all is right with the world. I don't believe we should be so tied to our own expectations. At least I am learning that. It's not reality. But that does not mean we should not love, nor does it mean that we wont be enriched by others.

I am learning to trust the Good Shepherd as he leads me in everything, and as He is my provider not only in some area's but now in all areas (as actually He always has been) I find though that I am full of my own expectations. I imagine how God will provide, I ask for things and hope. I want to loose my expectations. I just want to recieve as God would provide, and trust him to do that. Freely given, freely recieved. I recognise that as a way I want to live, I want to choose to live that way. Open hands - ready to recieve - not grasping, tightly holding on hands, keeping what I want, looking for what I imagine I need. It's the same in relationships. No more reaching, no more holding on, no more trying to keep - instead keeping open hearted, keeping on growing in the love that springs from my heart - from God, keep on giving - but have no expectations - only with open hands recieve and enjoy when freely given to. Life and friendships will always be surprising to me that way. And life has a freedom that is not seeking a perfect world for myself - instead life and relationships can be open and full of possibility or not... An added ingredient of course must be wisdom and insight. Ofcourse I need practicallity and to do my part in choosing what is right and good for my life. But can you see the fineline difference? I don't want to expect things to be as I think they should be.

But with God there is another kind of expectation, not in ways that we think God should work - for our own ideas and thoughts and hopes - but in His sovereignty, in His love. These are a granted, a given. There's no wavering, there is no remission. I just need to be open - I don't want to limit God's love or provision by demanding it be done in my way - for my hopes and gains - I probably would ask for much less than God would lavishly pour out upon me.

Lord Jesus - I'm learning again - not to expect the best, not to expect the worst - but in freedom to recieve and give. I hope I can live that way. I want to recieve that way. I'm learning to trust with abandon. I'm trusting in you. My expectations are in you, may they not be my own.