albanian evening skies

additional (and sidetracked) thoughts!

I've been thinking... it's easy to say this or that about a culture and a people like said in the blog below- but goodness me - I know so little and only have a tiny tip of the iceberg idea of how things are. Just wanted to say that. Also - I need to add something else I have noticed about the Albanian people - they have such a humanity and want to help in anyway possible when approached. If they can't help they will search out someone who can. It's almost like a deep set ideology - because it's the natural response of almost everyone.

I love looking out at people here from the Landrover, because then I can look freely - the people live in humble and interesting surroundings - there is plenty plenty life to the way they are - and little privacy. (One example of little privacy is that buildings are close together. When I looked out at the apartments, bricks, stalls all interacted with each other, from my bathroom window this morning when it was still dark and there was a flickering light post - it all looked like a set from the "West Side Story"! Expected music and dance and gangs at any moment!) There are always many people out and about. Buses are packed like sardine tins. Outside there is lots of noise and voices and car horns tooting! People walking or zipping in and out on mopeds, bikes, cars, tractors, three wheels little trucks, donkey or horse and cart. I love getting out on my bike and facing the adventerous roads - gives me a sense of life, freedom and danger!! I really like it! I have to keep my eyes on the road ahead, and the side and behind cause any form of transport will come out from any angle at anytime! I keep my eyes on the road at the same time to meander around the pot holes and puddles and rocks! Sometimes its more like riding over the tops of the ocean waves!

And my other final thought to what I wrote yesterday is that though there are problems with the way women can be treated here - there are bound to be loving relationships between men and women - the men are husbands, fathers, gradfathers, uncles, brothers, friends. I don't understand all the ways - but there must be love and goodness in the culture of life here, even though women are made to work very very hard, men work hard too. When I was looking out this morning on a journey down from Shkodra to Tirana, I saw all the men - driving cars, working on building sights, in shops, cafes, walking out and about, smoking (so many smoke) calling out, meeting one another... I kept thinking different songs - like "this is a mans world, but it would be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl..." and the Johnny Cash song "Six foot six, he stood on the ground - weighed two hundered and forty five pounds - but I saw that giant of a man brought down - by a thing called love!" I'm still looking forward to knowing this place well and its people, that's my prayer - I don't want people here to be a mystery to me - only looked at through car and house windows. I want to be in the midst of the life I see - even though I'm a girl. And how good it will be to get to know the lives of the women and girls of this country. Wow - there is so much to learn. I know it's gonna change my life.

setting my face like flint

Every so often I get a slight surge of learning and finding myself really "here", adapting ever so slightly. It's not that I am distant wishing myself to be away from Albania - it's more that I am a stranger to this people and this land and its culture, identity and "being". The great thing is that I have a desire (sometimes stronger sometimes weaker) to understand, to know, to allow into my heart Albanians, Albania and its life, losses needs and strengths.

I've come to understand better the fear of me being out alone as the sun begins to set, and why and older lady in church would say - "don't speak to your neighbours". I just couldn't get it - what is up with people - will they attack me, will they be decietful to me? Why do people speak about their own people this way - are they not one of whom they speak? Will I ever be able to be "me" here? I met with another loving and wise woman from the church and she tried to explain things to me. I'm not sure that she told me any thing new - but somehow Gods Spirit gave me a flash of intuition or something registered in me, and I saw how I could adapt and begin to express myself in relation to these "rules"

It's about public opinion. There is such a strong sense of people needing to appear right in the sight of others. And this for may reasons... When it comes to girls they need to be so chaste. If there is a hint that a girl is seen with a boy or man alone - even out in a busy public place, then there is the insinuation that talks are being had and an engagement is being arranged. This girl would lose her chances of marriage with anyone else. Marriage is extremely important, and it is the desire of every family and even the neccessity that the daughters be married. If they reach the age of 23 without being married - then there is a lot of shame really and the girl is pitied. It's very difficult for Christian girls as there are not many young Christian men, so they end up marrying Muslims or unbelievers - through the demands of their families. It is unheard of for a single girl to live alone. I have alot to prove in regard to my reputation. Here in Albania - there is a great call to be respectable. (which is why it is so confusing with the western way of life pouring in to Albania - such strong deep traditions and consience with an exploding revolution of morals and thirst, hunger and greed for material bettering and gain)

I could go on and write a lot more - but I better not. But I have found that I need to be respectable by Albanian standards to be respected - and that will take a good year or two to prove. I am being watched constantly, I have been told. I need to be serious and show that I have purpose - I am not here to play around and be frivilous, so therefore I greet my neighbours and interact respectfully with them, but I don't extend my own conversations, smiles, laughing and extra's. I go out on my bike and no meandering here and there - I don't make myself look out of place. Women here don't go to cafes alone, and there are only certain cafes a woman can go. Women don't do anything out in public except walk with sisters, mothers, aunts or male family members, buy the shopping and return home. A woman should never be out alone after the sun sets. I think women have few rights here - though they are not always under the heavy hand of the patriarch as once all were, they still have far less rights or value or freedoms. I don't talk to men at all - though I can extend a greeting like good morning to those who I see often - like my neighbours. I can respond - but very sensibly and courteously. So no great smiles and hand waves and conversations with the people out on the streets. I love to smile and say hello to people! But this "setting my face like flint" is really good for me here. It's good to be direct and sure and be done away with what I have known as just being friendly. In this context it is good. And I will abide with what is right here. I can be respectable to others, and I can show that I am respectable, and to be respected too. And when the time comes for people to trust and really connect genuinely - they can come to see that I am warm hearted with Gods love! And I do still smile, when I can... and I make it as warm as I can.

I want to understand much deeper - who and why the Albanians are.

It was funny last night. I left my bycicle locked up at the bottom of the pallati (apartment block) and I forgot it. My neighbours on the fifth floor had packed up there little market stall where they sit each day and they - husband and wife made their way home. I really like this couple - I greet them each day and have had very small conversations. They are Muslim. Well the wife knocked on my door - it was unusual as it was dark and getting late. She quickly said - "Quick - go down and get your bike. Quick! Quick!" She did me a good favor. She told me off a little - but she did from a point of my interest. I felt that I could trust her a bit more because of that, and I felt a little Albanian too! Getting a telling off from an elder!

I'm going to find my place in Albania - unique land of the eagles.

its raining its pouring!

The rains are coming! It's been amazing listening to the rains pour down for hours each night over the last few nights. The thunder crashes and the neon lighting lights up the skies showing the prominent Albanian mountains. Last night the streets were flooded. I went out on the balcony to see the storm - couldn't believe how much water was swirling around, but this morning there was only puddles left in the potholes!

stirrings and small steps

There is a stirring within me, to look outward here in Shkodra. That is such a good stirring to have! But its strange when it seems so limited. I have so much to learn - language and cultural things about Albania - but I want to make small steps at being like Jesus. All I can do is have little conversations. I want to invite some friends I have made at church round to dinner - but I can't cook Albanian style yet, I don't know the hospitality rules, don't know if I would eat late at 9pm or 10pm with people if they come round to dinner, I can't even speak the same language! It kind of puts me off! But there's a stirring in me! The idea of having people round is working and I hope I just do it some time. I stand and pray or sing looking out of my window sometimes - I feel like Daniel in Babylon! But its good to have these Old Testament feelings - that I am a Chrisitian in a city that is far from God and I can be here to stand up for the things of God - to persevere, to shine, to pray and seek God on behalf of the people, and that can start with a simple visit to a neighbours house or stopping to talk with the lady who sits at the foot of the apartment everyday selling goods. I want to be stirred - in simple small ways. It's the whole point of being here. I am a bit impatient with myself - so I need God to stir within me his gentle will each day. I want great things - but my friend once quoted Mother Teresa to me - "we can't all do great things but we can do small things with great love". Oh to have that great love. How glad I am that I can spend time with the Greatest of all Love, and He can show me how.

Painting in Albania!

Here are some amusing photos of me painting my room! It's funny getting used to taking pictures of myself! I spent two late nights painting away. I had to get a certain paint for white washed walls and mix in a small pot of colour and two liters of water. All I had to mix with was an old metal soup ladle that I found and I mixed it all in a bucket and used a plastic tub to put paint in to roll the roller onto and a little jug to ladle paint into to use my paintbrush with. When I went to buy the paint the man in the shop who remained unmarried even though he was well into his thirties, was so impressed that I was doing all the paint work without a husband that he wanted to get engaged! I said no thanks with a smile and rode off on my bycicle! I liked painting my room as a project - listening to music and getting a job completed. I was given a set of curtains - so I got the yellow to match - it looked like it was going on a yucky kind of colour - but turned out to be a nice yellow.

lime trees and lemon lights

I was suprised to see lime trees in Albania. It turns out that they are a rare but seen thing! I remeber lime trees in the back yard of our Sierra Leonean, West African home years ago. I love limes, so when I saw them in Albania my prayer was - "oh Lord let me live in a home that has lime trees in its yard!" After the first visit to Shkodra to find a house I was extrememly despondant - never imagined finding anywhere that would come close to being livable - the communist era apartments where way too out of my world for me to cope with. I never expected such emotions - me raised on the mission field - me ready to go to the poorest of the poor! The second trip to Shkodra was on my birthday - and if possible - it was a worse experience than the first!

But - the first house we saw was lovely... It was old - artistic, no doubt falling down, but full of character and had a wonderful garden - roses, little ponds and walls, iron cast table and chairs, abundance of grapes and fig trees and an orchard of lime trees! Joy filled my heart - could God be granting me a dream come true? It was never in question whether or not I would live there - Judith who was certainly my senior and the one who could care for such a garden, and who needed two rooms, not just one - the whole question was - would she have this house? I prayed - "Lord if its not for Judith - then let it be for me!" And kept it close to my heart for the day.

We searched on - and had a nice stop at a traditional restraunt for my birthday meal - though I found myself at the verge of tears every moment! Eventually at the end of a long day we came to an apartment that was thought to be ideal for me. It was fine - but it wasn't nice - it had Muslim things up on the wall, old cigarette ends lying around and it was enclosed with a big iron door - I felt locked away and awful. Everyone was saying - "oh you must decide - is it for you?" and the owner was pressing me for an answer. I had no idea, Judith still hadn't decided on the dream home and I had lessons to learn in standing up for myself. I said okay - "I'll take it - just lets get out of here!" I thought - there will never be a place I want to call home - so this is it - I will make do. That night however I was far from at peace and I talked to my parents on the phone who insited I make the choice I wanted for myself. I talked and prayed with Judith and Sonya - whose house I was staying over at. They pressed me to be wise - not to back out of an arrangement, to realise it was close to the church, but I could not bear the thought of living there. As I prayed and fell asleep I asked God for his choice and abundant wisdom and courage to stand up for what I needed. Then drifting off to sleep I remembered the other apartment I had seen...

It was in the communist apartment block that surrounded the statue of Isa Bolentini. It was a mess, but it was simple and it was out in the open - central to the city and authentic - had an old belfast sink in the kitchen and when I had sat out on the balcony to breathe in the feel of the place there was a string of lemon lights that light up at night time, and I laughed with God - "is this the closest to lime trees that I'm going to get?" I watched all the people and traffic and thought - yeah - maybe... but like always nothing seemed good to me and my unsettled heart. The next morning all I wanted to do was go to the Isa Bolentini apartment! I shared my decision, faced the consequences and all was approved and encouraged and put into place. Isa Bolentini house was not the lovely grand garden home which would have been a haven hideaway - but it was an apartment in the midst of the life and problems and noise and dust - but it was a place I could call and make home - and it was my choice and my commitment - and I believe Gods placing of me in this town. By God's enablingI stood up for myself and claimed my lemon lights home!

This is Snoopy. I saw him up there in the sky a few weeks ago in Tirana, the captial of Albania!

an open road

I've been here for a month or even more now. I have settled into my apartment in the northern city of Shkodra. It was old and dirty and broken - but I'm getting to know it well and I like it - it's home. When the fuse blows I know to run down to one floor below where there is a metal box that I can pry open with my key and flip the fuse. I know that after I flush the toilet, I let it fill up and then lift the top and rearrange the mechanisms so it doesn't keep over flowing! I know to unplug the water heater when I have a shower so there isn't electric current charging round the bathroom!

But I'm glad that all those sort of things aren't mattering so much anymore... I want to have a house that people will enjoy coming to - where kids will have games to play or crafts to make. I need some creative ideas! I've been out for hot chocolate with a friend from church - I'm settling in with local believers at a church that is alive and full of love and servant hearts. It's like I'm ready to start living creatively in this town.

God has good plans for those who are open to His purposes. God has kind intentions to people of this world, to people in this neighbourhood and I'm so fortunate to find myself landed in small community of believers who feel the same. They want to live for others - live beyond their own small worlds. They have been an example I have needed to see. I am settling in and God is beginning to give me his joy and strength here - I'm beginning to forget myself!

life is beautiful, life is curious

I was in the village the other day - down in Sheqeras in the south. I know it's poor and problematic in so many ways - but I like it so much, and it really is beeutiful. Life is like I imagined it to be back in my granny and grandpa's time on the Isle of Lewis, north western Scotland. There are carts and horses, always children and men and women walking up and down the dirt roads in and out of their own and their neighbours houses. I stayed with an Albanian girl and her mother at their house over night and had to go and fetch milk from the neighbours house before dinner. I walked along their coulorful flower lined path that led up to a sweet farm house. In the outhouse barn a lady was milking the cow, there was a little puppy chasing chickens in a chicken coupe that was outside in the yard alongside the haystacks. The young daughter in law invited me in the house and showed me her new clothes from Italy that her uncle sent over. They were all old friends. And afterwards we meanderd home. I thought to myself that this picture of life really is beautiful.

We travelled back the high mountain roads to Tirana. We got into a very small foogon that was heavy laden with a big barrel and all sorts of other curious contraptions. So Margaret and I squeezed in to the front with the driver and we whirled along - the driver told us he could get to Tirana in 3 hours and Margaret said - oh take your time we are in no hurry. It wasn't long before we stopped for coffee and the driver began filling up big bottles of water and putting them under the car. We carried on - and half an hour later stopped again - this time the whole front seat was lifted and the water poured out over the mottor below our seats. Turned out that the motor needed cooling down every 30 minutes and the car could go no higher than 50 kilometers and hour. We chugged up the high hills with heat and steam rising beside our seats! One stop I decided to look under our seats and saw a motor steaming hot with pipes and clothes and a big sponge on top of it and the water flowing on to the motor from the hose pipe the driver was splashing around! Along the way when it was really struggling the driver shouted "Janie, Janie!" to his wife and she took out this contraption and hosed in water to the engine while we were driving! Gosh - life really is curious! Took us 7 hours to get to Tirana but we enjoyed all the stops along the way - talked to the kids selling hazelnuts up on the top of the hills, enjoyed the fish swimming around in tanks at the foot of natural springs, we sat and looked out on a lake, ate at a cafe stop, almost burst out laughing so many times seeing the driver make a pile of metal and bolts work to its maximum. He worked hard! Once the junk pile wouldn't even start - so we rolled backwards down the hill as he hot-wired his own car! Little did we know what we were getting into at the road at the end of Sheqeras. Life is curious. There was a man in the back with Janie - and his young son. It turned out that he was visiting his wife who has a tumor. She is in the hospital in Tirana - awaiting an operation that they had no means of paying for. Margaret handed him the money as he jumped out the car, saying all the goodbye greetings. Margaret doesn't give out money like that - but no doubt God prompted it. Life is curious and good. Praise God for his care in everything.

foogons, apartments and internet cafe's

My friend Catherine emailed the other day asking for more news of what life is like out here for me - she said it all seemed to be jumping on foogons (the minibuses that take you anywhere you want to go!) looking for apartments in the hot sun and being in the internet cafe's! That's quite funny and not too far off the truth! It's early days yet. I've been doing some reading about Albania - practicing my language everyday with people I meet - and there are always people here - its a bustling place, people are out and about - children, adults, old people altogether, walking, talking, going about their businesses. I've made friends with a family down the road from me - Maria and her four children. They love Jesus and talk about him all the time. I went round to theirs for lunch last sunday after church and they laughed at me because I didn't know when the right time to go or stay was - so ended up wandering in and out of the house while they did their work - like washing the floor or hanging up the laundry. I asked them - "oh, is it time for you to sleep?" Thinking I could find out when they wanted to have their rest, and then I would leave - and they laughed saying "do you want to sleep!" and began making a bed for me to sleep in! I decided I would wish them well and go home. They were lovely! I have made friends with Vera and her two children, today I went to tell them I am going to move to Shkodra. I sat out with them on their veranda and drank turkish coffee with them while it rained and rained outside. It was really nice. I think we will stay friends and I can phone and see how they are all doing. I gave Vera a little card with the verse Isaiah 41:10. She seemed to treasure it. So all in all - life is made rich by the beginnings of relationships here and otherwise looking for apartments - going in and out of Tirana on foogons and getting to internet cafes to set up a good way of keeping in touch with people back home. I just sent out my first prayer letter - and realised the font is different on different computers - so it won't come out all nice and in place as the original - but a bit all over the place! Oh well - as the Muslims say - "only allah is perfect!"

In Albania to Stay

I'm sitting in the Stephen Centre - a foreign, christian cafe/restraunt in Tirana. It's air conditioned, has the flags of the world hanging up between the walls, it even has a framed art deco photo that used to be in my old Birmingham home. I've got my traditional diet coke with ice, a notebook and pen and a million thoughts.

I just met a poor gypsy family; snotty nosed kids just wearing underpants and tatty tee-shirts, a father and mother pushing a plastic pushchair for their little one and all pleading with their eyes for nje cind lek - about 2pence. 'Me fal, me fal' I say as I walk past 'forgive me, forgive me' and when I look back to say goodbye the mother let go of my arm and looked back with a wide and sparkling smile. Some people here are very poor, not all, but some. I'm not going to start speaking about Albanian culture because over the years I've come nowhere close to earning that right - but there is undoubtedly poverty here - not accross the board - but it is alive and kicking in Albania.

After Anna and Catherine left (see "Firefly Week" below) I began my second week in Albania. It was heartaching to see them go and I realised how I missed my family, other friends and life 'back home'. The reality of being in a foreign country and culture had been slowly dawning on me while Anna and Catherine were with me, but the day they left it fell upon me like a ton of bricks.

The day they left - early in the morning, I hugged them goodbye outside the airport at 3.20am before jumping back in the taxi that would take me down the bumpy Bathore Road to Margarets house. I slept for 3 hours before Margaret, Judith and I began to prepare for travelling up north in the Landrover to Shkodra to look for houses to live in.

We will go up as a small team to set up a nesting base for WEC and its new workers (me being one of them) Margaret, a Scottish lady who has been a WEC missionary in Albania for 13 years will coordinate this new phase for WEC Albania and Judith a Singaporean lady who has been a WEC missionary in Albania for 8 years will work alongside Margaret while further developing her Albanian language. I will have the main focus of intensive language learning for my first year. The team's vision is to see Albania and Albanians affected by Christ and His character - seeing the light and life of Jesus reach into Albania and made alive.

My hearts vision is the same - but at the forefront is a concern for children at risk. All that we do will have these things in mind and I will work hard at learning the language and trust God with all He will open up before me in the year to come. I believe He will open up fruitful relationships aswell as opening my heart and mind to the reality of the country and people of Albania. I want to see the best that I can in Albania but I know I will see the difficult and the wrong too, and I want to - but in an informed and compassionate way. I have much to trust God for - and it's the reason I am here.

So... we arrived in Shkodra. It was hot, lots of apartment blocks, some old parts of the town with worn out beautiful buildings, old style stores still in use - book shops and bakeries. In the more modern part - small food shops and cafes all wall to wall along the wide streets with tall apartment blocks. Sonya and Albani met us with smiles and hugs. They are a young Albanian Christian couple who belong to a church that although they don't know us have taken it upon themselves to welcome and help us come to Shkodra. It is amazing how much friendship they are extending and we feel very blessed. Sonya is 24, tall and beautiful and very smart and warm hearted. She loves Jesus and wants to live for him, seeing him expressed in peoples lives. I took to her straight away, it was a great help seeing as I missed Anna and Catherine so very much that day.

We began walking - hoping to meet the arranged contacts, and as we waited in a park a young lad peddled up - his name was Noah, pronounced No-ae-ah. He had been cycling around all day to help us find a house. He had soft, gentle eyes, must have been about 15 years old, loved Jesus and wanted to help and serve without a second thought - it was in his nature. Soon he was leading us to our first viewing. It was off the main road, down a potholed street, up to an old communist style appartment block and painted above the entrance in pale pink paint was GERMANY - must have been there for the football. Up we climbed, and I felt so alone. We steped in through a steel door and there were two rooms filled with furniture - old chairs and a bed, some bunkbeds and a table. There was a bathroom with a hole in the floor and a kitchen with a walled sink that was crumblimg. It was small and compact - I looked for a balcony and the view was other appartment blocks. The family who owned it spoke strongly about all it's benifits and I began to try and imagine myself living there. As I walked back down the stairs my legs began to shake, weak beneath me. I looked steadily forward, put on a brave face but when we were weaving in and out of market stalls going single file, my heart ached and I cried out to Jesus, for Him to hold me and take care of me. I felt His strong, loving and reassuring hand with me and silently I let my tears fall.

The next place was much nicer - in an older part of town near the mountains with many fruit trees in the yard and very close to where Sonya and Albani lives. I was asked to make a decision and though it didn't fill my heart with joy I figured that no place in Albania would immediately be all I dream of, so I decided yes. We waited in a cafe for the next hour or so and them I had to go back to sign documents for renting the apartment. It was decided that Sonya, Noah and I would go to do this. As we stood outside gathering ourselves together to go a strong whirling wind began to rumble, blowing rubbish and dust up in circles in the air and the skies were are a darkening blue-grey. As we pushed the two bikes along the road the rain pelted down and down and down! Thunder cracked and lightling lit up the sky and torrents of rain fell. Sonya hurried along worriedly, I just was amazed and hurried and laughed as did Noah. He kept exclaiming "oh - wha!" as they do here and he would duck his head down, glance over to me and grin widely! It was the best I had felt all day!

It turned out that the contract for the house was not at all legal - so we couldn't accept it. We ate spagetti at Sonya and Albans house and 8 hours later got back into the Land Rover for the journey back south. It felt like the first day of my new Albanian life. I got home and was exhausted, missed my friends, missed my family and fell of to sleep and to sleep.

The following days have introduced Bible studies and fellowship times with Margaret and Judith, sitting on the steps with the mother and daughter who live below Margarets house, talking to a young gypsy boy who sells cassttes at the end of the road where I get the bus to Tirana. I'm often jumping on and off the fugon minibuses to get to Tirana to do emails or any other town work that needs doing. I was at church yesterday with a bus load of people from Bathore who go to a church near by. I'm meeting people, talking with them, finding my feet, enjoying Albania. Margaret, Judith and I are all praying about the move to Shkodra, the right timing of it, the right house. We wonder if it will be a three story villa - where each of us with have a level to ourselves. I really like that idea. God knows what is best and what is perfect and what fits in with His plans - and that is what we are asking Him for. I do have great expectations of all that is ahead. God has me here for a reason. To Shkodra and to the North!

Firefly Week

We had a great adventure...
(as soon as I can work out how to put photos on - I will)

After arriving into Tirana we were picked up by Margaret Reid, the long term WEC missionary here and bought into the centre where Margaret had some people to meet. We were sent out for our first Tirana experience when Margaret asked us to go to do the shopping in the market - melons, olives, bread, local cheese, onions, tomatoes and the like were all on the list - and the market was alive with sights, sounds and smells and friendly vendors interested in foreigners. It was hot outside and bustling. Anna and Catherine loved it and we made our way round getting lots of good and tastey natual foods. From the start Anna and Catherine opened their hearts to Albania - natural travellers indeed!

By the time we got to Margerets house - tired and hot and dusty but content and excited and happy, we arranged where we would sleep and dropped off to the the sounds of Albania's night - this night it was drums beating for a wedding, dogs barking at each other and hundreds of crickets singing their song while a muslim dirge occasionally rang out. It was as though we were lying in a bed in Africa - the heat and the mosquitos to add to the effect! Was a good introduction to a foreign land.

The next morning a bit bedraggled we set of bright and early and got on a fugon to Korce. We flew round the high mountains in a spacious minibus - two young lads travelling back and forth from Italy kept us entertained along with the speed along driver who stopped at a cafe for a soup and coffee break. It was lovely - there was a soft flowing river, a gentle breeze in the warm air and a nice cappacino with cream on top to enjoy. We stopped again at a natural spring and filled up our water bottles with the most refreshing water to be found. The driver took us to the very doorstep of where we needed to go.

We arrived a Dorcus International, a Dutch Christian humanitarian project that so kindly offered us accomodation - but meanwhile it had to be cleaned out as it was a shed like place that had just been flooded! After a coffee we ended up helping out the lady cleaning and began to form a nice friendship with her - Lirika. Catherine had a picture for her - of God wanting to pour out his love upon her as gold, knowing that she had lost a lot in her past. The next morning while talking with her again it turned out to be so true - she had lost her husband many years ago - leaving her to struggle through life in many ways. (Here's a picture of the sitting room area of our sweet shed - very makeshift but became affectionalty familiar in the short space of time we were there - the good company made it home!)


That afternoon and night we wandered around Korce - cafes, finding postcards, visiting the big othodox church. A couple of old men showed us around the grand building with many icons of saints and apostles and with joyful blessings upon us wished us farewell as we left - one reaching out finally to Catherine pouring out upon her the blessing of finding a beautiful and good husband - Catherine making fine efforts at her language understanding in returned blessed him back by saying "and to you too"! One of the best things of that day was finding a wonderful sweet shop with cakes and baklava like we had never seen before - we took our time picking out cakes before finding a park where people all milled around, the old men playing backgammon, cards and dominoes and others sitting around catching up on the days gossip. In the heat we talked and prayed for Albania. Tierd out we found a restraunt called The Danub, though it was empty it looked very posh and we dined with the best of steaks and finest fruity Albania Merlot wine and a delightful young waiter who seemed trainned to serve royalty! And all of this to the background of 1980's love songs!

The best of all the marvels of that day was walking home late at night down the large dusty road, past great concrete arches that we could not work out what they were there for, and looking out upon the dimly lit bushes and trees that ran on the sides of the road Catherine exclaimed - "look!" and for the first time atleast for Anna and I we saw the buzzing light of a firefly. It was like a fairly from a storybook, then there were two - we were transfixed! It was so much fun. We stayed on the look out all the way home seeing new ones occasionally aswell as searching out the milkyway and bright stars spread out accross the Albanian night sky.

There is much more to write about - the trip to the village Sheqeras - our drivers to the rescue that drove us along the road that would have taken us from morning to night otherwise, meeting Dite a lovely Albanian older lady who treated us like daughters in her simple home, finding a church called Church of the Hebrew Carpenter - a small fellowship of christian opera singers who sing hymns at the top of their voices and then ate ice cream and fruit with us entertaining us with conversation and song! Also the night time ritual of the whole of the town gathering to walk up and down the roads of the town or city - talking and laughing, catching up. Kids in the park with their families till all hours at night and the finding of a wonderful lit up and musical fountain surrounded by a cafe that sells divine hot chocolate. Travelling up north and welcomed into a christian lady's home to be fed great food and sweet coffee and the three of us laughing uncontrollably because of the heat and all the funny things of the week - and there were many. Thankfully she had three daughter all the same age as us and she loved us for it! There is much to tell. Albania offered us the best of itself and Anna and Catherine saw it in the best of lights with open hearts and tender souls. I miss them lots. They entertained me no end!

Mary's Thoughts

I am having a sleepless night. I shouldn't be. It's almost by choice - and a foolish one as my day is busy and full tomorrow starting with injections at the doctors at 9am... I go to Albania in a week - that's my validation for not being able to sleep - but I don't reckon its so simple. I have thoughts to work through - lots of my own thoughts that I don't want to deal with, so with a water bottle to drink from at my desk and the light from the computer the only light in the room I face an avenue to finding some answers, I give myself a reason to be awake at 2am and I start to write and update this blog which I havn't written in for weeks.

I've looked back at "expectations" and read what Mary wrote - I jotted down a few things hoping they would speak to me or make me think, and they have. My house mates Anna and Catherine and Anna's boyfriend Owen were talking tonight about God's leading and leadership in church and ministry - and how it is often a narrow road - and a surrenderd one to Gods choices. So Mary's question of "God - should I expect you to call me out to great things?" rang a chord, and I feel like I have an answer. I think the question in itself is good. If you are really willing to do what God wants you to do - then he will lead you into great things - and they are great things by God's standards - quite often contrary to what we hold up as great. The only reason we love beauty and art and friendship and justice and anything good is because of the Spirit of God or the image of God. That's what I think. So to give God your will, so he can give you his will is the only starting point to anything of greatness in Gods eyes - cause he will have a good and perfect will, and he will have good works already ordained for you to do. Jesus was all about his fathers business - and if thats what we're looking to be sold out for - then yeah God will call you into great, great things - by his great, great standards. Which probably means servanthood, sacrafice, meekness, faith that stretches you, hurts that hurt you, love that melts you, joy that is great, family/friends that are wonderful and difficult and wonderful, burdens for people that are heartbreaking, seeing the world as it is that can almost crush you, seeing the beauty of life and loving every minute, seeing people come to know God, seeing God win, seeing the goodness of God in the land of the living.

Is that the calling of God upon us - isn't that what we are about - isn't that what we are walking or climbing towards when we seek after Gods will for our lives. To me that makes the whole world the place of God kingdom and our hearts and minds unlimited in their avenues to be expressive of God. I think that although we can do so many different jobs and live so many different lives I think if we truely desire Gods will for our lives and ask him for this - not once or twice but by the very act of being alive, it it is what we are living for - God will give us a vision and a heart that follow his own, and we will want to walk down that narrow way - no matter what the cost.

Then I read "sheer receptivity, utter dependance and radical reliance" - Mannings words on childlike relationship to God and His great power and mercy and love, and the great cost paid to follow with our very lives has a great balance in the fullness of God in return. Expectations - there is no call from God to be utterly dependant unless He is utterly dependable. The expectations that God has on us - are fully in relation to His capacity to be all that he has said he is. There is no cross to bear - but for the joy set before it. Following Jesus is our greatest call, and he knows the will of the father - and the father is God himself who has the whole world in his hands - he has great things in store for those surrendered to him. And that's obedience, and I wouldn't even dare to begin to write of Gods love that we can recieve and know so little about.

Then I read Mary's recent post - about "as it should be" and although things seem unsettled in big and small ways in personal life and in the world at large - I feel glad that the struggle is there - that there is no peace when it comes to strife and injustice and hurt and loss, and there is hope although at times only a thread, hope in God and the differnce he can make - and even if it is just in a small way - through the capactiy of a christian wanting to see God bring life and healing and taking a step towards being like Jesus and reaching out - then it's worth the struggle. It's cool that God has allowed the world to be seen and the hurt to be felt, it's cool that he is sharing his heart. I pray for his spirit to be alive in me - to mold my heart and mind and use my life for his will.

And all these things are not nicely tied up in the end - not in this blog - not in this life! And I should be in bed sleeping, and I havn't spent proper time in prayer or in reading the Bible for days even weeks. And I've know grace anyway - and I feel free, but my old self comes creeping in and I know I'm in my own strength right now and I want the comfort of other things - I need water from the eternal well and I find myself a thirsty but don't drink, I need the bread of life and I find myself hungry and empty but I don't eat. It's not Albania and thoughts of the new life, the narrow road there - it's my need keeping me awake - and I've still not prayed. I must and I will. Mary your thoughts have let me find grounding for my own thoughts - and I've meandered through - and I've found a space to speak the truth of me, so bless you for all your insights and writings and struggles and thoughts! Goodnight - I hope I'm off to pray before a long awaited sleep.

Here and Sheqeras

Well, I've chosen a day to write which isn't a warm, gentle breeze kind of day in the metaphorical world - more of a ... mmm... still, greying evening, with hints of light pink clouds. I've had some brill times of closeness in these last few days to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit but sinking into the joy is a wonder of how I'll manage with the changes ahead of me. I'm no longer going to be living in Tirana, Albania's capital - but instead I will find my first year in the foreign land in a south eastern village called Sheqeras. I'll fetch my own water and live the Albanian village life. I'll be immersed, no gentle easing into a pioneer type existance - but head first dive in. And that makes me excited, and that makes me wonder how things will be. I am so glad to be in Gods leading and in living the life He has called me into - but I am so human in my emotional response to change - and feel myself at a loss in certain realities. I'm looking around me, looking for solid ground. It's not being afraid of whats ahead - but trying to find standing in the here and now. The wait is on, the questions find themselves in my sleeping dreams.

I'm putting off getting preperations in place - piling on my desk is requirements of writing a will, filing for residency in Albania, sorting out my taxes, prayer letters, contacting people, seeing people before I leave - its far enough away to not seem real - 2 months away. I'm working at Bridge House again, back at Bond Street after 3 months away, time is going to fly and I'm just going to have to do these things and then say good bye. I hope for good times in these days - but find I tread water at times not swim with direction - and today I just want to dive under and find treasures to take away everything from my mind. I shall sign off - addios!

Isle of Lewis

I've been up in the islands of Scotland for the last 2 weeks - visiting churches and schools speaking about Albania and missions and my testimony. It's been challenging and great - spoke at 22 meetings altogether. There are lots of people that will now be praying for me as I go out in the middle of July. The Isle of Lewis is my home really - my dad is from there - but as we grew up all over the place I've never lived there - so was a gift to be able to speak accross the island and be known. Life is so full, and daily bringing its own growth and choices - I'm grateful, know a faithful God, and still live with myself and all my weakness. Gotta keep fighting to stay afloat and live in fullness. Don't think I'll ever get round the mystery of being alive and journeying to heaven - gotta keep on making this life count - and it's only in looking to Jesus and finding my way close to Him in the midst of it all. Keep on looking to be overwhelmed by His love, for both myself and others.

Noah and Jacob

My beautiful nephews. I will miss them when I go to Albania. I wish I knew them better even now.,I don't live near them, so don't see them as much as I would love to. Noah is amazing. He loves talking, learning about everything, achieving everything - he'll face a challenge and come out the winner! Jacob is beautiful. So calm, so sullen, loves him Mum, loves his food. I remember them first born. It's such a priveledge to be related to children. God's wonder and miracles are magnified in these little ones - so complete and full as individuals - they will just keep on growing up. Love these boys - want to know them well.

Expectations?

Any advice for me on my expectation thoughts in the blog below?
Is it too abstract?

Seems like reading about potential for so much - transformation of world, living in community, the kingdom of heaven... well expectation should be high - right? I want to be running into the radical of the simple faith and living out the reality, being like Jesus - in joy and suffering and relationships too.(I'm one who could be highly idealistic...I don't think that's bad, I want to be.)

I believe in what I wrote though about "no expectations" (I wouldn't die on a hill for it however..!), and I think it is a certain way of life, but I sure don't want it to be a self protection that is limiting. I think I've got some wisdom there - but I wonder if there is any insightful ones who can see "yeah - that's good", or "well.... not too sure about that...."

Expectaions

I'm learning about not having expectations.

I used to live that way - in regard to travelling to new places. I found myself in that wide open space of no expectaions. It didn't mean that I would not recognise wonder or when something was likable or unlikable, nor was I without emotion. I would go to new places literally with no expectations of what I would see or feel or what I would gain - and with wide open eyes and an adventurous heart I had so much curiosity and enjoyment of everything I found. Not having expectations - meant that the possibilities were endless, unthought of, unlimited.

I can't say that it's been the same with life - and with friendships - these things are truely intricate! So tied up in experiences, emotions, hearts, minds. There is so much potential to be affected in good and bad ways through relationships, through family, through friends. It's near impossible to not begin to have expectations - of either being hurt or being cared for. That journey of building expectations began as a baby. My array of expectations of others have gone from innate, high ideals, shattered and all the other varrying degrees over the years. In more recent times as I gradually once again grew in daring to be known, loving and being loved - somehow with that acheivement came a flood, a return of expectations, hopes and high ideals. And again such potential for dissapointment!

Dissapointment is not bad. It's life - it's even valid. There is no one who has all as they would wish - it's not up to us to have all we want and the perfect life for our own sakes. No one has that place on this earth. God alone has that right. No one is exempt from dissapointment, and dissapointment is not bad - it's valid, it's reality. We should learn to accept it, but that does not mean we are without passion or right desires or acheivement and without fight for what we want and believe in. Ideals are good - but not at the cost selfishness and the perfect world for me, how I imagine things should be or what I think is best. Me is not the aim. We as individuals cannot provide or obtain what is perfect for us. Gifts to our lives come from outwith ourselves. We cannot create our perfect world, where people are as we desire them to be, or where verything is in its place, and all is right with the world. I don't believe we should be so tied to our own expectations. At least I am learning that. It's not reality. But that does not mean we should not love, nor does it mean that we wont be enriched by others.

I am learning to trust the Good Shepherd as he leads me in everything, and as He is my provider not only in some area's but now in all areas (as actually He always has been) I find though that I am full of my own expectations. I imagine how God will provide, I ask for things and hope. I want to loose my expectations. I just want to recieve as God would provide, and trust him to do that. Freely given, freely recieved. I recognise that as a way I want to live, I want to choose to live that way. Open hands - ready to recieve - not grasping, tightly holding on hands, keeping what I want, looking for what I imagine I need. It's the same in relationships. No more reaching, no more holding on, no more trying to keep - instead keeping open hearted, keeping on growing in the love that springs from my heart - from God, keep on giving - but have no expectations - only with open hands recieve and enjoy when freely given to. Life and friendships will always be surprising to me that way. And life has a freedom that is not seeking a perfect world for myself - instead life and relationships can be open and full of possibility or not... An added ingredient of course must be wisdom and insight. Ofcourse I need practicallity and to do my part in choosing what is right and good for my life. But can you see the fineline difference? I don't want to expect things to be as I think they should be.

But with God there is another kind of expectation, not in ways that we think God should work - for our own ideas and thoughts and hopes - but in His sovereignty, in His love. These are a granted, a given. There's no wavering, there is no remission. I just need to be open - I don't want to limit God's love or provision by demanding it be done in my way - for my hopes and gains - I probably would ask for much less than God would lavishly pour out upon me.

Lord Jesus - I'm learning again - not to expect the best, not to expect the worst - but in freedom to recieve and give. I hope I can live that way. I want to recieve that way. I'm learning to trust with abandon. I'm trusting in you. My expectations are in you, may they not be my own.

Blue Sky and Sunshine

Candidates orientation is now over - 2 intense months of great inspiration, further growth, a deeper impact of reaching the unreached peoples of the world with the message of Jesus and His great salvation, emotional growing up, challenging team dynamics, the best of people to meet. Loved making friends there with the other 9 candidates getting ready for moving out to new places, and loved hearing the depth of peoples journey into God. There were chapel times each morning (After house duties and breakfast. No sleeping in!) and they were so brilliant. People who had lived by faith for years - relying on God, living daily in His word, they brought jewels and gifts of Him for us to think on each morning.

The other night it was raining, pouring down. I popped out briefly wrapped up in my cagoule anarak and got some Thai King Prawns in Chilli Sauce and rice from the Chineese takeaway. I came home, ate and watched Northern Exposure Episodes... it was fun - just being normal and everyday and very chilled out. I'm back home in Bond Street! And Birmingham too - brilliant seeing friends, being back at church, and being home with Anna and Catherine - my self-adopted family.

I'm going to Albania soon. Not till the middle of July. Sometimes feels like I'm wading through rivers to get there. I'll be pleased when I arrive, cause then all will make sense - I will be where I am meant to be. And I know I desire greatly to be there. I know I am meant to be here now thankfully too - but I'm being uprooted. I wish I was grown up, self contained, confident and brave enough not to feel insecure about that. I still want to be a part of my friends lives. I need to realise and believe that I am. I need to not look around me at what wont be my life for very much longer, although it will be for my friends - cause it's my life that I've got - and God's making it a tailor made best fit for me. I love Him - He's my constant clear bright blue sky and sunshine no matter what the weather. And it is bright out there - all the way to Albania!