July 22, 2005
The computer would not let me post a reply on Allans blog - but I wanted to say that I find myself in that place more and more frequently - a place of restisting Gods strong love and grace, with an ever awareness of my small heart that is limited and runaway with thoughts of self and defeat. This past weekend I was a way at a conference and was asked to confess my idols - I found self proctectiveness to be quite high on the list and with a deeper look found unbelief - defending myself as one who did not care that Jesus did not love me... So strange, I never realised it so deeply before, and wonderfully I found the love of Jesus able to forgive and accept the hardness I felt towards him. It feels like there is annointing when we recognise Gods glory and intimate love for ourselves as individuals. I see people differently - I see them as loved by God. My insecurities in relating to others fade as I know that I am free to be myself - loved by Jesus. It doesn't stop there though - it's only a deepening of all the reasons to dwell in his presence, recieving, worshipping and trusting - being ready to be a risk taker, and a lover of people with truth becoming ever more vital. Bring on brokeness and meeting Jesus there, bring on faith in the otherwise thought unobtainable and bring on the solid life that is able to stand and express all that has been granted by the great I AM. I want an upward vision, I want depth and firm footing and I want the wonder of all that is good from his hand, and I want to be like Jesus - sharing what the Father has given to him.