December 01, 2005

just a part of this big world

Took a walk - up along the road, past the chocolate factory, up to the christian bookstore, into a cafe. Sat and wrote - drank hot chocolate, took a walk to the park and stood by a little stream and thought through my questions.

I got that feeling of wanting to run away again, wanting to break every chord and connection I have with here - a place I might have some semblance of belonging. I know its cause I'm leaving soon, and I know its cause there can never be a perfect place of forever friendship, life and love. I crave that permenance, and get so dissapointed when I feel its not somthing real, and I don't understand why I feel my heart breaking a little. I'm afraid of loosing whatever I might have gained, recieved, given. I know I'll just miss my friends. I always do. Are we meant to care and feel this much? I do mostly think so.

I'm glad I get to work these things out in my own way, in my own thoughts and walks - cause until I do I just want to be gone, away, unseen and unknown. I'm glad God is there - to hear me and know me. These lonely days are just a part of this big world.

2 comments:

Jenn said...

my question is...is that all I can hope for? I have felt the exact same way, like I have to cut all ties because facing the reality of leaving people I've grown to love so much one more time is more than my at-times fragile heart can take. I sometimes wish I could bundle you all up in some cozy commune and we could forever change the world together. Do I have to be a trillion miles away from comfort to be useful for anything? Grace and peace, friend. Here's to a more tangible future.

Mary said...

beth, thanks for sharing this. it's on my heart, too, so i will include you in my prayers today, ok?

with love.