phonecall and following

Tonight I got a phonecall from Albania. It was Milto - as cheerful as he always is, with loving words that he always has - telling me he misses me, he is proud of me and asking when I will be there with him. He was with the kids - they had all been playing ping pong at the seafarers centre and now they were back at the home where they sleep. It is a cold and poor place - but where they are sheltered at night, fed, cared for and where they learn of Jesus and pray. It's a place where they feel secure in the protection of Uncle Milto. Senada, a 14 year old girl who is now pregnant spoke with me - asking when I would come, telling me she misses me. Then her brother who told me it was so cold over there right now, and Alexander a sweet young orphaned boy who I am just filled with so much affection for asked his nice kid like questions - leaving silences for me to fill in, with my broken Albanian language. I think about what it means to decide for love, and for the greatest desire of the heart, and I know there is so much that would fight against choosing the more sacraficial choice of another culture, of poverty of sorts and of leaving behind another place I have come to call home. But there is a deeper desire! It is wanting the way put infront of me by God. Can it be that there is such a way? Gosh if it were not so - so much of my life would have been a fine but coincidental misendeavor. I know when I have been in the place provided for me that I have loved each moment of every day - despite the challenges. Right now I am with a great team of people, now friends, working with others who have so many heart ache struggles. A girl that I have stayed awake through the night with a few times has been cutting herself terribly - but this self harming is part of what I am being taught about, being prepared for the future with. I think about what Allan has said about the notebook - what would I want? Well, give me numerous desire of my heart that I would choose - and I would love them - be it places or people - and I would struggle along as I do today. But with the heart given over - longing to be where He would want me to be - I find I am given the option of life as I never could have guessed, going places I never would have thought about, and doing things I didn't know I could handle. I have no idea how that all comes to be, and as to finding that I am one desrving of the love being offered to me from a godly man, and the trust of kids that need some loving attention - well - I don't deserve that at all. It's not the easiest following - but it must be the place where I will find the most happiness - although I don't know how it happens. I've loved every day of ministry to the refugees, of serving those who once were homeless, of studying at Moody Bible Institute, and I know I will feel the same in the ancient city of Durres on the Ardiatic Coast of Albania - with gypsy street children - who will become my friends and who will command my heart. It's so funny that the things that I think about alot are the things that you guys write about too - just we all have our unique ways of life and searching about us. Yeah - there's a core - the underserved grace and the seed planted in our spirits that we had so little to do with ourselves. I have no idea about the way our God works! I went to bed at 5am in the morning after waiting for Debbie to come back from the hospital - I had spent no time with God for a couple of days, but he answered all of the prayers Gareth and I prayed into the evening with before we came on to work that night. I was full of my feeling small in Gods eyes - but the only verses that I briefly opened up to read in Romans were that the things we want to do we don't do, the things we don't want to do we do - but God made a way through all of that - I'm set free. I don't get it yet - but I was made secure again until my next self despairing. I'm wandering blind - but given a gift of a color filled scene before me as I see God at work despite my weakness and in realising that yeah - God still has a place for this selfilled oftentimes confused one. Thanks to Jenn and Allan for the thoughts after God and the light hearted insights to encourage. Blessings!

narrow vision

Thinking about the message of "The church has HIV" over the last couple of days, random thoughts have come to my mind. I remember thinking about the grassroots involvement of the Christian - the small scale of holding hands with a dying person or carrying an orphaned child to a place of safety and nourishment. And Jesus - the one who extends far beyond our visions passion - his meeting the individual needy one within a crowd and also preaching to the many physically and spiritually hungry and convicting the thoughtless or the proud. His simple message of "follow me" to the disciples - and there were only so few. So is the church the praisers who shouted "Hosanna!" seeing their hopes ride across palm branches on a donkey, are they the thousands who ate fish and bread, and the faithless town asking for a sign? Yeah - Christ's compassion extended far upon them - as it has upon us. But my simple mind thinks that the 'call answered' belongs only to those who have counted the cost and who step upon the dimly lamp-lit way infront of them. And the church triumphant? On the day of burial in Jerusalem was it not the fishermen and their brothers along with a Roman centurian and the grieving women who sat at the tomb?

What little I know of the Church... Honestly, it has not been in my heart and soul as it should be. But the followers of Jesus build up my heart - and I want to be one of them climbing the mountain with goodnews. I am so grateful that there are followers that have a vision for the church, I selfishly don't want to wait with the wandering, bleeting groups of sheep huddled within the fence - I want to be with Jesus - pulling the crippled one from among the rocks or searching high and low to find where the lamb is crying. But what on earth can another dumb sheep do?! That's the highest mystery of it all - the Shepherd thinks we can help. No wonder the bleeting crowd stays huddled - it's ludicrous to go out to the wilderness.

Maybe tho' - some are called to go out following and helping, surrendering the uselessness we have - to be used by Him and following His lead - but also to return and show with joy the victory that really exists is giving up the safety and the futility. Maybe others are just called to go and not return to the larger fold - but their giving lives will bring the Saviours joy and salvation and restoration to those outside so desperate for aid. I think whatever we hear Him tell us to do - we will always be called to follow Him. He is ministering to the Church, and his blessing is rich and abundant - but as far as my tiny understanding goes - I think His work is out there in the dying world. I have no strong idea of theology and I thank God for his love of the church, and his patience and his purposes and kind intentions - I'm reckless and have no message for the closed in, I just want to go, I just want to follow - so I cry out and live by the love, patience and kind intentions that Christ has upon my life - and I count the cost and can think of nothing finer but to go to the high places and the low valleys and if I can shine upon others, as He has shone upon the world - then I am happier than I could ever imagine to be.

So highly inconclusive - the thoughts of mine upon the state of the church. I don't even really know what the church is. I want it to be the followers of Jesus, I want it to be the unsaved that find Him, I want it to be the weary who don't fully grasp or understand that their Saviour loves them, I want it to be the sinfilled ones who experience forgiveness. But I am so glad that the grace and love of Jesus is poured out on the church, and if I was worth any of my words I would pray for the loving discipline upon it, that I am needy of in my own life. But, yeah - the spiritually hungry church, self preserving believers, the millions dying of aids, the orphan, the poor, the widow, the stanger, the sick, the sinful and the blind, lame and dumb - they are all in the same boat - they need to hear the loving compelling call of Jesus - to "take up your cross and follow me" - maybe then they would find that they are all in the same place, knitted together - in their need of salvation - with hearts and souls open to the indwelling Spirit for healing and joy, maybe then the church could start acting like Jesus to others. In this troubled earth - we are all only fleeting vapor that will find its true rest in the eternal dwellings of the Fathers Mansions. It's not time to find comfort huddled in a fenced field. Jesus has a purpose beyond our imaginings and yeah, I would imagine that it extends far and wide to beautiful Africa and its dying population. I have no idea - how he is going to do that. Just want to be a willing sheep. I would hope that the church would be willing too. He's got the world in his sight - and he loves the world. He has a purpose for every single believer.

This scribbling could go on and on... if any endured so far down the page, well - I just want to hear more about the vision for the church and I want my attitude to be challenged and added to. I don't just want to ramble - and I find I am getting quite serious about the whole thing!! In an important attempt to not become entirely boring I think it's best to make this the last word - now!

a novice and a fool

Today I came home from work - feeling foolish. Seeing myself that way, knowing what a novice I am, in everything. So many new beginnings, adapting so many times, new friends, finding a new belonging, and then all of a sudden I see things as I temporarily believe they are - that I'm sitting in on a life that others live and belong to, and really I'm only a novice - and my words have been foolish. My thoughts are foolish and my ways are too. With all my insecure defended pride of sorts I find I am alone in my soul and I want to be sheltered, I want to find my island where there is no one but me, so that I can be safe and fly free, surrounded by sun and sky and sea. I might need to go there someday, but in reality I do have a place in this world - with all the beauty and torrents that surround and I suppose with gratitute and eventually willingness I have no choice but to be a novice and a fool.

first venture

Well, there are many firsts - and this is one, to start a form of publication - so very unlike me, although would love to write something of worth one day - so may as well begin to get some practice in! The matter of presently writing something of worth... well...not keeping my fingers crossed about that - but I have the great ones who have gone before me to learn from!

This is all for now - a mere hello to the blog world... I look forward to all of this... it feels like there is something new to take hold of, the ideas that change the way we think and help us look at who we are.

Addios!