breath and energy

I'm beginning to feel an almost imperceptible renewed breeze of life coming through me - just a slight return of energy and life/breath. Spent the last two weeks with bronchitus and flu and hayfever - full of thoughts - full of alone time, full of whirlpool emotions. But today - just today - I feel a little bit of strength a little bit of life. One day I'll have something to write and say - but it is still not yet. Looking forward to hearing the griffen house album - looking forward to living with enthusiasum and life! Bring back the energy and joy - bring back the love and expression - bring back life!

moving day

Today - cooler than normal, everything is dark green as its rainy and humid and clear. I'm sitting in an internet cafe with funky soul music playing, I've got a diet coke and a cheese toastie - taking a well appreciated time out from the life and the world around me. It's good around me - but more of the adaptation realigning is taking place. I moved home today. Left Mum and Dad and the family home for the last 10 years.Everything is all packed up and the end of an era is now. Moved to an unknown part of Birmingham to me - Stirchly, with two great girls from work, to a nice old terraced house - but the same day I move in - Nancy has moved out - she is going back to the States after being here for 3 years. I understand the feelings of it after moving back to England from the States - a whole year ago now! I can't believe the time has gone so quickly... Everyone will be getting used to something or someone new - and soon it'll become normal and great - but today is the day of the move...

creative space

Tonight there is a "creative space" time at the hostel where I work. People have painted paintings, wrote poems, will do drama. I've been to hardware stores, painted pictures, written one or two words, sawn, built a frame for Carol's painting. I love that feeling of practical work on a summers day - put the music on, get paint all over my hands, make an acheivement of sorts. Nothing too profound to share - just ticking along with my own visions and dreams forming themselves in my heart and mind. With all the priveledge we hold as healthy, mind active working people there is so much we can do throughout the day and the long term for the good. I've been thinking of the minature earth and the fact that we belong to this generation - there's tons we can do, we got a place in this earth. Tie in the heart of God and the surrender of the cocooned life and we can live and move and contribute for the better in this creative space.

dreams in waiting

A few days ago I was high on a mountain top - surrounded by unspoilt grass, daisies, delicate purple flowers. The view of the surrounding mountain peaks was awe-inspiring but in no way overwhelming - it was a gentle awe, like the warm, almost hot, sun and ever so gentle breeze that indescreetly blew. I was there with Cimmi and Danja and thier 2 year old daughter Sara, Richard, Joanne and Dorothy. We had a picnic of the freshest, ripest tomatoes, homebaked bread, cream cheese and faithful coca cola. Richard is writing a book called "The invisible servant" of his life and ministry in Albania - and he has been there through the war times and has sought to encourage the people that they might know hope which is so lacking in their culture and lives. Many of the old Albanians have been through persecution and poverty, they have grown in perseverance and character and in this are amiable and admirable - but they have no inckling of hope - and the next generation grew up the same. There is the possibility for a new day in Albania - it's arriving - it may be a generation of hope that is raised in young Sara's day - but it will be a huge battle that if won, will be won by God alone through his faithful invisible servants I would imagine. But all this is not what I wanted to say. I went back to Albania unexpectedly last week - arrived home again yesterday morning. My heart is ever more tied to the country, I feel a kinship to it. Although I was in a place I had never been with people I had never met before - it was Albania and I found that strange feeling of belonging again. My thoughts were shared with Richard on the top of another mountain - the longing to fulfill this destiny I have felt pulled to for so long - a life lived of advocacy and an expression of truth and love. It makes sense to me that it would fit in Albania and it would fit with children at risk. I didn't feel wrong in my words or ambitions - but felt that there was still that - not yet, not now. It made me wonder if it will ever be. If I got to the end of my life and nothing was done about these feelings in my bones and being - then I'll wonder why they ever were there in the first place. But I left that mountain top, knowing that it was my heart that was restless - it is my heart that longs to be expressed and God may suprise me in how he brings that expression to light. I'm not giving up on the dream - I'm going to be ready for the day that God might say - now go, go to the battle ground. Until that time I live a day at a time - grateful for provisions and setting in sight the staying on the narrow path of what would God want from me today. What will I do today - never mind the dreams, never mind that future place of serving that I have only seen in my own imagination. God's going to get me there, get us there - today is all there will ever be, and for the long term I'm going to be ready, I'm so glad I get the chance to get ready.

For Lynn

I have to write again... because so much can happen in one day. I left my Dad's office this morning, after checking emails on his computer. I was going to the shops to buy some lunch and snacks for a sunday day off from work. I saw a friend who told me that a dear friend of mine died yesterday. I met Lynn and Les about 7 years ago - and they became the grandparents I never had, and good friends too. They loved animals and took care of my well adored border collie when I lived in Albania and my parents were half way accross the world. We would often be together in the park we all loved, and Lynn moved into our street after her husband Les died. Les became a christian before he died, and he had been an atheist for so long. Lynn missed him like crazy, and longed for heaven, and she is there now. It aches though - to know you love someone and can't let them know anymore. It was a special friendship that only we had, and I'm glad.

May Day

Just would like to say I wish I was with you all on May 1st. I'd be there ready to talk through these issues - to dream, to surrender, to be lifted up in faith. I don't come accross people who are so passionatly tied to these matters of global perspective. Even if I do - as to be honest most people I know have some passion about the world and its realities - there seem to be so few who would want theirs lives to be turned upside down as the cost of being a part of some move towards life, for those crying out for life. Jenn, your bringing it back to Jesus is so good - because I am prone to think far and wide on fighting injustice (what's the point of empty thoughts!). I want to be a part of it - I think that is the strongest yearning of my heart, but above that I want my heart permeated with Jesus - and for my life and work to be an out pouring of Him, of the message of the cross. We serve an awe-inspiring God of Love, Justice, Sacrafice and Freedom. See what is there to do with these feelings and thoughts? May Day sounds like a good venue indeed.

dark part of my soul

It is silent, staring out the window
feeling alone, inferior, unknown.
It feels unobtainable -
yearning for acceptance, keeping isolated, retained.

It is broken, crying quietly and within.
It's not all consuming - except for moments in a day,
sometimes days within a year,
years within a lifetime.

It's not all of me,
only the dark part of my soul.

Pour light into the darkness,
a flood of bright exposure -
In a wide open space let fresh breezes and glory freely flow
Till the brown dark earth sparkles
daisies, buttercups and precious stones
in dew kissed blades of deep green grass.

Kirk and Amy

Gonna keep it short and sweet - cause no one writes on my blogs!! It's one of those insecure kind of days - wondering about my worth, and thinking it to be small in others eyes. And Kirk Franklins song just comes to mind - "try to call your best friend, but he's not there, so you wind up feeling empty like no one cares....there's a man from glory full of mercy and grace. He'll pick you up, he'll hold your hand......................." and on and on!! Kirks songs are great - you just end up singing them and getting carried away if your not careful! And Amy Grant ofcourse - one song always helps - one song I knew decades ago - "I love a lonely day, it makes me think of you" Bringing it back to God, and it reminds me to talk to him, when I'm feeling this way.

happy with myself

I wanted to think about who I would like to be, with all the shallowness of certain hopes and the deeper dreams too...

Right here goes - completely just as my thoughts flow. I want to be full of life - able to have energy - to run and dance and be comfortable in my own body. I guess to be able to be the right size - to fit well to my bones, so I can wear the clothes I like and look nice. At the same time to have health, a nourished and well watered system! I want to enjoy the simple things like bubble gum and the weather. I want to be open hearted and have conversation easily, and be able to laugh at silly things and be cheerful. I'd love to have some adventures whether that would be dirt bike racing or trekking through the jungle, or wildlife exploring - watching lions and tigers. Or maybe just taking a train ride with some friends to some interesting city or countryside. It'd be fun to know music better, get to find some nice cafes, or know some scrumptious recipies for milkshakes or cakes to make when friends visit. I want to have an open heart to this world, and an awareness of what people are going through, and wisdom and affection enough to share with them. I want to spend each day - with time to chill out and fellowship, but also with time set apart for quiet, for study, for growing. Overall I want to be open for life and ready, able and willing to embrace it - and bring kindness to it.

I guess these are my goals for now - no longer an ideal of changing the injustice, my vision just extends to being happy with myself... maybe then I'll be granted another burden in my heart, another passion for standing firmly in the gap. I don't have that right now - it's turned simple, it's turned inward, and maybe the hardest work ahead of me is finding that contentment with me. These aren't unobtainable ideals - I guess I just got to start living. Proverbs 3

ps - I guess I better let you know what I'm up against... my natural tendancies - laze around the house, eat some good food - once in a while I'll cook something, watch tv shows for a bit, roll a tobacco cigarette for myself, smoke it in the garden, possibly find the motivations to clean my room, take a shower and have a walk in the park - maybe even read a bit of a book. I've started so many over the past 3 months... Work is my main motivation and church, meeting friends too. Keeps me right! I got a few battles to fight a head of me if I want to be happy with myself!

day in the city

The good weather is on its way this side of the waters.

I spent yesterday in the city centre with my friend Mark. I like that, when you get to the stage of knowing the city, it's best places, where to walk, just a feeling of belonging to the buildings and streets. We found a good place to eat in a fancy restruant under the ground, almost like a victorian, gothic, medieval, sumptuous place in a cave! Saw a film at an older cinema, where all the kids makes lots of noise, and the popcorn is sweet. Then we walked the city, along the canals, exploring old derelict industrial buildings. Amazingly enough a guy from church cycled by while we were peeking in the windows of a giant old mill - although its the second biggest city in England, you always bump into someone. As we got to the new developments along the canal - the up and coming corporate apartments for the young wealthy (UK style gentrification). It's all very nice (stones throw away from the council lowest economy appartments) - new architecture and bridges alongside the old wharf and canal boats - in a part called Jupiter. Passing by there was a young guy leaning out of his boat barge listening loud to old jazz. It was still sunny but setting by now, and we chatted accross the water to him, hearing his adventures of being blown out to sea and his engine breaking, and how he has pulled the boat by hand over the last nine months to get to moor there in Birmingham. He invited us over to the boat, so we sat in, listening to Arabic chillout music and drinking water - cause that is all he had - he was a penniless! His small barge boat was called "The Black Pearl" after Jack Sparrow's ship in "Pirates of the Carribean" and there I left Mark and our new friend Tom Farrow. Finally on my way home, there was an old aquaintance from Iraq at the bus stop that I hardley ever go to. I had known him from working with Sister Margaret a few years back. He still hasn't been home, has endured all the Iraqi war knowing it to be a big business game, but is settling into life, albeit uncertainly. He teaches Math at college now, is trainning to be a teacher and is making all the changes needed to live in a new culture and be a new person in the new life he has to live. He's doing great, but he just seems sad, and no wonder.

Anyway - it was a day in the city, and I loved it.

disciple lostness

I realised I'm battling every day - trying to find my way to Jesus. I just don't mind saying it how it is. The disciples spent three years just not getting the Lord, following, committed and often not understanding what was said, or why things were done the way they were, or why they were such failures at times. They didn't mean to be - they just were. That's me. I feel like I'm trying to make excuses to get out of responsibilty, I feel like my honesty is supposed to free me from the hard work I need to do in my life. And Jesus knows it all!! He doesn't mind me having to learn hard lessons, He's so ahead of the game! Am I visionless right now? Maybe. Am I learning that Jesus loves me? Yeah. Do I want His discipline? I'd get nowhere without it. Jesus - pick me up - give me a vision of you. I'm slow to hear, so slow to see. Take me out of my world and blind me with your glory. My only fear is that I would stay unchanged, that I would be quick to return to my self. And how I love and truely long for the gentle saviour to bring me to quiet rest. This doesn't make sense to me any more!!
~Sweet Jesus, you never, ever let me go, oh, Sweet Jesus never ever let me go.~

much afraid

People are really good aren't they? People have been so good to me - opening their home, their friendship, their fellowship - and still I come back to my own home and find solace in being alone again - with a familiar self deflatedness and loneliness that I wish I was free from. I think it comes down to people just not being enough, maybe it's people being not yet totally connected as friends of mine - but I think, I know, it's more of a lacking within myself. See like Jars of Clay sing - "empty again, sunken down so far, so scared to fall, might not get up again...of all of these things, I'm so much afraid, scared out of my mind by the demons I've made" and the beauty and the answer comes with the only true message that comforts my heart and soul - "Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go. Oh sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go."

He rose again two thousand years ago by this remeberance day of Easter. Sweet Jesus rose again. Peter saw his Lord again - the failures that must have broken Peters heart, when he let down his dearest friend - found renewal and healing in the comfort of Christs love and Lordship as the risen Saviour called out once more to his beloved disciple and friend. That day when Peters heart was so empty and fallen, sunken down so far, Jesus never letting him go must have made him about to burst with cherish and joy.

Why am I empty? Why do I fall? Why do I hide my face from Jesus? I know that when He calls out my name, when He offers to meet me, to hold out his hand to me, when he calls me friend and shows me that I am loved so much by Him - I know my joy is complete. So caught up in self, so blind to Jesus, so cold to Him. I need to be transformed, changed, I need to answer the call of Jesus, I need him. Nothing else will satisfy, no-one or nothing else will do. Tender love, risen Lord - I am like Peter, I deny you every day, and I am much afraid, but my heart knows that you are Lord and I want to worship. Thank you Jesus - you are beautiful, you are alive, you are everything.

new pottery

Day of work is over, glad a friend is coming over tonight - cause there are lots of ways people leave you stranded - big and small, and the little dissapointments I'm finding more apparent as I grow, and I feel more of a need to be graceful, and hopeful. So a cool and calm and hanging out time tonight should be a fine tonic!

I'm once again an open book. Life has unravelled and the dream of street work in Albania is totally on hold, but not forgotten. That door was closed quite firmly shut at this time and in that specific place, and now I'm as unaware of what the future holds as on the day I was born! I had this picture of a new lump of clay, not that the old me and the work of the potters hands needed replacing - but I feel like I am about to be made anew, and this jar of clay is becoming a collection of humble designs. I'm okay with that - it's actually all that I want - to be made in the image that the artist has in mind.

Waiting and holding on tight as the wheel starts spinning. Splashes of water bring some smoothing over but really, this lump of mud is being plyed right now, and its not so comfortable. I guess we all need to go through the purely individual experience of being made.

blessings! Beth

I want to try jet-skiing!

I saw "Hitch" tonight. If you've seen it - I laughed so hard when Sara saw her grandfathers name signed at Ellis Island! I think it's great finding out unexpected things about people. I reckon jet skiing in cool blue shades is an ace idea too... Enjoyed the film overall for its reminder of the fun of love and friendship. I'm learning about that in myself - I know now for some reason, that those feelings can be true - even for me. Funny how for 28 years that never exactly sunk in before. Hitch didn't bring about that transformation I might add! Just glad for the comedy.

I'm slow to understand who I am, and how I feel. I've loved and lost and not quite grasped the fullness of two in love. I don't mind - because I'm still free and life keeps on being new each day, and there is possibility for love - not only the love that I am called to, but the funny joyous kind too. Freedom to limit love, freedom to let it grow. Undefined. Family, friendship, people - I'm surrounded with opportunity - to be hurt, to learn, to be blessed. Life is tremendous with the good and the bad - but I have an inclination that there is a winning outcome in this openess to love.

I like a verse in a song that goes "I never knew I was built for hurricanes. My heart, my heart is a boat on the sea." Yeah the waves of the hurricanes, I know what it's like to go under, but the still seas and the caves and bays and the tropical storms, the pirates, seagulls and treasure islands are in the path of the sailing boat too - and how surprising it is to actually ride out the storm.

interview attempt

Interview questions from Jenn ~
Here are the official rules of the interview game:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."

2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.

3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

6. I will answer reasonable follow up questions if you leave a comment.

Here are your questions:

1. Describe the place where you are when you feel the absolute freest and best you’ve ever felt in this life.

I remember one of the proudest moments of my life to date. I was in 7th grade, living in a small mission boarding school on the west coast of Africa - a beautiful, palm lined, sunny sky, beach coastal, red dirt road, simple housing place called ELWA (Eternal Love Winning Africa). Every year there was a science fair - a big deal to the school, as we lived without media and other entertainment things! I did a project on corrosion - as rust was a common aquaintaince with everyones property! I left the dorm family, walked out onto the beach road, then down the little dirt track through the jungle area up to the small school and on to the gym where all events were held. There were a few people around, it was just before the sun was about to set. As I got up to the gym hall entrance Jason Stonesifer was there - the most rebellious and goodlooking guy around in our wholesome missionary kid lives! He came up gave me a big hug and said well done. I was like - what on earth for? There were only a few elite who would win the science fair - Maria Blees usually did as she was aboslute intelligence personified. Still without a clue I went in to the hall where all the paintings and projects were displayed, and there was mine with a big "Grand Prize" ribbon on it. No way... it couldn't be for me... and it was! Not even first prize for my class, but grand prize of the whole school! I ran out, ran back down the dirt road, up along the beach and out of breath told my dorm parents, they were as pleased as could be, but no one felt like me - I was as high as a kite. I've never felt that exact way again. It was a feeling of absolute happiness, proud of myself, approved by people I loved and just full of life. I think being in that place of natural beauty with humble creation and freedom, secure in good friendships, being loved, and finding self worth and achievment is a place of joy for me.

2. If you could only have one meal for every meal for every day for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?

I reckon it would be rice with chicken, chilli's, lime and tomatoes combined somehow with melted cheese on top, and an ice cold tall glass of water (I would detox from diet coke - cause would love being thirsty for water again) and maybe I would have a tangerine for desert and a small block of chocolate for something sweet. I think I'd be alright with that everyday. Healthy enough, and I just love the whole rice thing with those good flavors - and I'd eat it with a spoon - must be something to do with rice and soup days of Africa!

3. You are given the opportunity to record a CD with your new band and the first single hits number one on the charts. What is the name of your band? What is the name of your new CD and the hit song? And, who would you thank on the inside cover and why?

My band would be called "Ocean" cause it has a celtic sound to it, and I love the coast and the sea. The cd called "Anthropology" - would be influenced by Celtic, African, Albanian and American (African and Native and Other American) music, would be fairly alternative with gospel themes interspersed. I think the hit song would be called "no expectations" but not sure until its written! I would thank my sisiter Rebecca on the inside cover - for making my spirit alive to seeing people and life in a more realistic, humorous and artistic way. There would be other similar thanks too.

4. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?

Probably my confusion to knowing actually what romantic love is. It's alien to me, I have ideas and notions, and appreciation - but when it comes to living it - I'm lost. Agape love is my hearts first desire.

5. What piece of art speaks to you the most? What does it say?

I don't know... that's hard. There is one I like - just it's nice and friendly its called "Dominicans in Feathers" by Henry Stacey Marks. It's a painting of penguins on a cliff face. I like the colours and the warmness of it. It's hanging in the Museum and Art gallery here in Birmingham. I'll show it to you Jenn, when you come to visit! It would be excellent if you made it for a visit after Peter Munros wedding - we could even go up to Scotland to explore a bit, and maybe plan and trip with a few others too. Keep ideas coming. Would love to have you visit.

loved by God

I try to please God, I try to be worthy of His love, I try to demand His love, but none of this makes any difference - and in a moment He shows me His love, and He pours out His love, and it makes me beautiful in His love. My prayer is to thank Him, and my prayer is to see His love. This is true, this is wonder, this is love, this is Jesus and the love of God. My heart overflows with a good theme, the love of God. Loved by God. Holded by God. Treasured by God. Loved by the most beautiful God.

amy charmichael

Before the winds that blow do cease, Teach me to dwell within Thy calm; Before the pain has passed to peace, Give me, my God, to sing a psalm, Let me not lose the chance to prove The fullness of enabling love. O Love of God, do this for me; Maintain a constant victory. ~ Before I leave the desert land For meadows of immortal flowers, Lead me where streams at Thy command Flow by the border of the hours, That when the thirsty come, I may Show them the fountains in the way. O Love of God, do this for me; Maintain a constant victory.

catching the waves

My world is going upsidedown, or maybe not upsidedown - but certainly hanging in the balance - almost as though I'm waiting on a wave, just about to be carried - but don't know if it will take me under and cream me, or or if I'll ride it smoothly to shore. My heart has been open, and my spirit longing for the place I have felt so called to for so long. Already I think of the individual kids that I have dreamed of being alongside in their lives. And it might all happen still, it might all be a miscommunication. I wrote a special, good man that I wasn't ready to say a marriage yes to him, and he wrote - if that were so - I should not come at all. Why would he say that? It has to be miscommunication! So I decided I will not yet grieve this, I wont believe that he means what he says. I'll believe he is only hurt, and in a few days he will write or call, and he would accept me as I am (expectant of feelings of love, in time, in such precious service together) So I'll silently wait, waiting for the wave to break.

home from work

It's a cold evening, just finished work, and tomorrow is a day off... nice. Mothers Day is tomorrow - over here - this side of the Atlantic, and will hopefully go to church with the parents and it'll be nice to be there once again. I think I'll go out and see "Life Aquatic" tonight with my old friend Mark. So normality rules. Quite nice really. Everything's 'nice'! Need that though - the chilling out time - but with it is a dormant thought of what I need to do - to live this life well. Although some things are on hold, and I choose to just switch off and relax - I want to keep up with the essentials in the long run - time with God, healthy living, being the best I can be. Often just hopeful hopes! Anyway - just capturing my feelings before my small weekend begins! Hope all is well with Chicago life at the moment.

back to basics

I saw "Corporation" tonight. It's good. A bit of a bombardment of information - but really worthwhile. All of this stuff is beginning to sink in. Want to return to happiness and joy and good living amongst people in good communities - but there is such a weight to this world! It was good to confirm and solidify the mistrust in the corporation ways of this generation. It will be interesting to see how people (me inparticular) find a way to live differently in light of such info. Crazy thing is I was hungry for a MacDonalds throughout the film!