People are really good aren't they? People have been so good to me - opening their home, their friendship, their fellowship - and still I come back to my own home and find solace in being alone again - with a familiar self deflatedness and loneliness that I wish I was free from. I think it comes down to people just not being enough, maybe it's people being not yet totally connected as friends of mine - but I think, I know, it's more of a lacking within myself. See like Jars of Clay sing - "empty again, sunken down so far, so scared to fall, might not get up again...of all of these things, I'm so much afraid, scared out of my mind by the demons I've made" and the beauty and the answer comes with the only true message that comforts my heart and soul - "Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go. Oh sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go."
He rose again two thousand years ago by this remeberance day of Easter. Sweet Jesus rose again. Peter saw his Lord again - the failures that must have broken Peters heart, when he let down his dearest friend - found renewal and healing in the comfort of Christs love and Lordship as the risen Saviour called out once more to his beloved disciple and friend. That day when Peters heart was so empty and fallen, sunken down so far, Jesus never letting him go must have made him about to burst with cherish and joy.
Why am I empty? Why do I fall? Why do I hide my face from Jesus? I know that when He calls out my name, when He offers to meet me, to hold out his hand to me, when he calls me friend and shows me that I am loved so much by Him - I know my joy is complete. So caught up in self, so blind to Jesus, so cold to Him. I need to be transformed, changed, I need to answer the call of Jesus, I need him. Nothing else will satisfy, no-one or nothing else will do. Tender love, risen Lord - I am like Peter, I deny you every day, and I am much afraid, but my heart knows that you are Lord and I want to worship. Thank you Jesus - you are beautiful, you are alive, you are everything.
About Me
- beth smith
- Raised in Sudan, Scotland, Sierra Leone and Liberia. Born into a missionary family, the middle daughter of three. Loved Jesus when I was small, was seperated from family for boarding school at 10, met this troubled world at the age of 14, rebelled and experienced life as a lost teenager, returned to God at 20 and lived everyday since with the Jesus I loved when I was small.
3 comments:
Strange how I was listening to Jars of Clay for the first time in years while I read your blog and suddenly you quoted them. Eerie...that’s what it is. It made me pay more attention I guess.
I used to imagine life as me running at full speed through grassy fields in the sunshine, with Jesus, laughing and smiling till we reached the top of the hill. Now I feel like my feet are tied together, i keep falling over and often resort to crawling, the hill is actually a mountain, the grass seems to have withered and Jesus in actual fact is already at the top.
Reality of adulthood perhaps. I don't know. But at least I can hear Him cheering me on from up there. And so I crawl on.
Strange how I was listening to Jars of Clay for the first time in years while I read your blog and suddenly you quoted them. Eerie...that’s what it is. It made me pay more attention I guess.
I used to imagine life as me running at full speed through grassy fields in the sunshine, with Jesus, laughing and smiling till we reached the top of the hill. Now I feel like my feet are tied together, i keep falling over and often resort to crawling, the hill is actually a mountain, the grass seems to have withered and Jesus in actual fact is already at the top.
Reality of adulthood perhaps. I don't know. But at least I can hear Him cheering me on from up there. And so I crawl on.
I like what you said. I feel the same - but still find I'm believeing in the grassy sunshine joy, holding on to it, hoping for it, knowing it will be here again one day - glimpses on earth and fully in heaven. You know the uphill rocky climb - that's what were are really doing. Don't want to miss out on that either, don't want to sit out on the ledge and not even try finishing this journey. Good one brother. Thanks for being so true.
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