disciple lostness

I realised I'm battling every day - trying to find my way to Jesus. I just don't mind saying it how it is. The disciples spent three years just not getting the Lord, following, committed and often not understanding what was said, or why things were done the way they were, or why they were such failures at times. They didn't mean to be - they just were. That's me. I feel like I'm trying to make excuses to get out of responsibilty, I feel like my honesty is supposed to free me from the hard work I need to do in my life. And Jesus knows it all!! He doesn't mind me having to learn hard lessons, He's so ahead of the game! Am I visionless right now? Maybe. Am I learning that Jesus loves me? Yeah. Do I want His discipline? I'd get nowhere without it. Jesus - pick me up - give me a vision of you. I'm slow to hear, so slow to see. Take me out of my world and blind me with your glory. My only fear is that I would stay unchanged, that I would be quick to return to my self. And how I love and truely long for the gentle saviour to bring me to quiet rest. This doesn't make sense to me any more!!
~Sweet Jesus, you never, ever let me go, oh, Sweet Jesus never ever let me go.~