...glimpse of an evening

Its been cold and rainy all day and I've just come home. Its evening, and the electricity is off. I found all the candles I could and have lit them all. They are lovely – and I hope they will last the evening... I have a little radio that my friends sent for a Christmas gift – it runs on batteries and I was so pleased to find a classical music radio station tonight, so its been lovely listening to that as I swish around the house cleaning it up and making it cosy! While cooking up dinner the radio station began to change and went to Arabian, Turkish Albanian music, then on to Italian opera – and now is an hour of Elvis Presley! Radio Shqiptar has given me a charming evening! I'll settle down to reading my present “books to read” and I feel so grateful for all I have and enjoy. Oh – do you like the lion that sits on top of my fridge?

what a gift for the day and forever

A new day is here, a new day dawned by Gods grace.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world gives, give I to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

There is no peace not "like" the peace of Christ, but "except" the peace of Christ. It is not like the peace of the world. When I have read in the Bible about not being troubled or afraid or recieveing the sustaining of the Lord I've often thought of it to be a word for those in some kind of trial or battle that relates to a spiritual sacrafice or deep and powerful faith building in the midst of living out the life for the sake of the Gospel. But - today - I take it just as it is. Don't let my heart be troubled, cast my burden because the Lord will sustain me - not in some noble pursuit - but in the struggles of cleaning house or not worrying about what people might think of me or what I think of myself. A heavanly word for the earthly day.

"You will keep them in perfect peace - whose mind is stayed on thee (Jesus, my Saiour)" Isaiah 26:3

wild seas, gladiators and a day trip to Durres

Started out in the rain in Tirana, I waited by the Skanderberg Statue and recognised Flori who had been playing the drums in church a few days before – where I had met Marieke and Peter who had invited me to come along with them for the day out to Durres. Flori had a big umbrella and so, inspired, on the way to the train station we bought a couple of umbrellas at the side of the road. I have a nice red one now :) The bus trip was fun, we talked away and were glad we were at the back not with the man in the row in front who had to sit with his umbrella up against the window as the rain was poring in!

After exploring the sea port and the old castle walls, the palm trees and old statues we had a coffee in the castle tower. The steps up to the top were huge big steps and it was cool to find a dusty old gramophone in a corner. We drank cappuccinos in the smoky tower with loud music on and talked of travels and wondering the world!

Ready to explore we climbed the uphill cobbled street, found some beautiful oranges growing on a tree then came across the second century amphitheatre. It was amazing to be there. We paid the 100 Lek to the old guy who sits in a little shed by its gate and soon we were reading about how the gladiators and slaves would be sent out to fight for entertainment. We found all sorts of treasures like a cross symbol and a mosaic and tunnels and steps and hidden passages. It was fun. I could almost hear lions roar.

We trundled back down the hill to the sea and in the wild wind and rain walked out along the pier to be as close as we could get. On the way back there was a really nice old shed out on the sea front that Marieke and I both quite liked the look of and we tried our best to take photos of it – though it was too far away for our camera lenses. It was cool finding out that all three of us girls had grown up internationally and all spent time growing up in Africa. Good to meet people with some kind of common background which is quite rare for “third culture kids” as they call our brand of childhood! And cool to think that each one of us ended up in missions in Albania too... These guys live in Tirana – but will be great to meet up with them again when I'm down there, or they may travel up north one day...

Our day ended finding a nice restaurant and lots of pasta and seafood before sheltering under a canopy in the dark while night fell and a hail storm blew through, but soon enough we were all getting toasty and warm on the overcrowded bus back to Tirana. A great day out!!

These photos are of children's painting that were printed large across a wall in Durres. They all represent hope for Albania. One says “flying together with the dove of peace” Have a look at the photos of the day in Durres in Beth's Photos. They are quite fun!

so I have the blues?

Well, I'm not really sure I want to write this blog entry... cause its not very happy... I've got one to write up of a visit to a 2nd century ampitheater in Durres and old old city of Albania. It'll been cool to write that up some day soon! And there is more to say about Albania and its people and its needs and its landscape. But for now back to myself and the blues...

Its just about 7pm and that's been my bedtime for the last 3 nights. I've been ill for five days. Not been able to eat, been weak, been aching. Sometimes the electricitys been off. For most of the time I've questioned everything from my purpose and worth, integrity and relationship with God and man! Its been turmoil. I've sort of agonnised over these thoughts that turn into deep emotional feelings and the ache has gone alongside the physical wrenching of my body. So, there are my blues. I'd find no strength but to be in bed by 6.30pm and I'd not wake up enough to get out of bed till gone 9am at the earliest. Its been hard. I don't understand it and I know I'm struggling - somewhere, somehow.

Last night in the dark in my room, I read the Bible with a torch/flashlight. I read Isaiah 40, 41, 42. Amazing passages. I read Psalm 25. One part of Isaiah says "Like a shepherd he will tend his flock, in his arm he will gather the lambs and carry them in his bosom; he will gently lead the nursing ewes"

The image spoke to me and I saw the good shepherd - laying accross the gateway, the rain was pouring down and it was a moonlight night, he was strong and large and though it seemed he was sleeping - he was awake. And then I saw a lamb - small and dejected, cold and worn and dirty in the rain and sad in its heart. It was so close to the shepherd for it could see him sleeping, protecting the fold. It was far from friends or family and its little bleats could only travel so far accross the cold winds and there was no other sheep in sight. And so the lamb slowly went to the arms of the good shepherd and rested there, and he took the lamb in his arms and held it close. Yeah - and that lamb was me.

I can't desribe what I'm going though or even why, but I know my only true answer is the good shepherd who never sleeps or slumbers nor does he grow tierd. I am slow to know the love of the shepherd - even though I am so close to him and I skip along and try to follow him. I'm not sure why I do not rest more often in his loving and strong arms.

In writing this now I see another truth - God gives beauty for ashes. My lowest place is exchanged for beauty from God. And I am getting better, but I'm not through it yet - though the shepherd doesn't change - and he loves me, so aleast (or at the most) I've got strong arms to hold me.

grace is whispering...

Lord Jesus - thank you for not giving up, for loving me even this day...
Thank you for the grace you whisper in my heart and in my ear...

I know I have a long way to go - but you love me
Sorry for the sin you know that is continually before me
Sorry for the judgement I pass on to others as I weigh it down upon myself
Oh your grace that whispers to me,
It is for freedom, that you have set us free...

"for you have not recieved a spirit of slavery leading to fear again,
but you have recieved a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out "Abba! Father!"
Romans 8:15

Greg Parsons

I found out today that a friend of mine died in an accident. He was 25 years old. I knew him in the Christian Union of the University of Abertay. He had a heart to minister to hurting children and was living to do so. He was impacted by the suffering of the world, and chose to live to bring light into darkness. He loved Jesus and was gentle and kind. His name was Greg.

There's a quote I wanted to write about today - before I heard the news about Greg. I think its okay to still write about that quote. I think Greg would agree with it. I hope its okay to talk about these things in the same space as sharing my respect for Greg and the sorrow I feel at this news. To me, they both kind of fit together.

We are alive and what are we living for, what are we doing in this world? What am I doing? I want to make use of the time I've got - and I want it to be for "being Jesus" alive and well on this needy and misplaced and broken earth. I can see the happy side of life, the fun and comfort and all the rest - but I want to live for the side of life that is crying out for life. In heavan I'll know freedom and joy - but will have no more opportunity to meet the hurts of the broken or stand up for all that is good in the midst of all that is bad. I heard it called "the art of redemptive suffering" once. Help us Lord Jesus to follow you! To be like you! To let you shine through our lives! Give us your heart Lord, and call us close to your side so we know well how to follow you...

Two guys are talking to each other, and one of them says he has a question for God. He wants to ask why God allows all this poverty and war and suffering to exist in the world. And his friend says "well, why don't you ask?" The fellow shakes his head and says he is scared. When his friend asks why, he mutters "I'm scared God will ask me the same question" Over and over, when I ask God why all of these injustices are allowed to exist in the world, I can feel the Spirit whisper to me, "you tell me why we allow this to happen. You are my body, my hands, my feet." ~ The Irresistable Revolution, Shane Claibourne

I'm so sad for those that Greg has left behind. I'm so glad I knew him briefly. I wont forget about him nor the life he chose to live. Lord I'm glad he is will you, bless him so much.