April 05, 2005

happy with myself

I wanted to think about who I would like to be, with all the shallowness of certain hopes and the deeper dreams too...

Right here goes - completely just as my thoughts flow. I want to be full of life - able to have energy - to run and dance and be comfortable in my own body. I guess to be able to be the right size - to fit well to my bones, so I can wear the clothes I like and look nice. At the same time to have health, a nourished and well watered system! I want to enjoy the simple things like bubble gum and the weather. I want to be open hearted and have conversation easily, and be able to laugh at silly things and be cheerful. I'd love to have some adventures whether that would be dirt bike racing or trekking through the jungle, or wildlife exploring - watching lions and tigers. Or maybe just taking a train ride with some friends to some interesting city or countryside. It'd be fun to know music better, get to find some nice cafes, or know some scrumptious recipies for milkshakes or cakes to make when friends visit. I want to have an open heart to this world, and an awareness of what people are going through, and wisdom and affection enough to share with them. I want to spend each day - with time to chill out and fellowship, but also with time set apart for quiet, for study, for growing. Overall I want to be open for life and ready, able and willing to embrace it - and bring kindness to it.

I guess these are my goals for now - no longer an ideal of changing the injustice, my vision just extends to being happy with myself... maybe then I'll be granted another burden in my heart, another passion for standing firmly in the gap. I don't have that right now - it's turned simple, it's turned inward, and maybe the hardest work ahead of me is finding that contentment with me. These aren't unobtainable ideals - I guess I just got to start living. Proverbs 3

ps - I guess I better let you know what I'm up against... my natural tendancies - laze around the house, eat some good food - once in a while I'll cook something, watch tv shows for a bit, roll a tobacco cigarette for myself, smoke it in the garden, possibly find the motivations to clean my room, take a shower and have a walk in the park - maybe even read a bit of a book. I've started so many over the past 3 months... Work is my main motivation and church, meeting friends too. Keeps me right! I got a few battles to fight a head of me if I want to be happy with myself!

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