Blue Sky and Sunshine

Candidates orientation is now over - 2 intense months of great inspiration, further growth, a deeper impact of reaching the unreached peoples of the world with the message of Jesus and His great salvation, emotional growing up, challenging team dynamics, the best of people to meet. Loved making friends there with the other 9 candidates getting ready for moving out to new places, and loved hearing the depth of peoples journey into God. There were chapel times each morning (After house duties and breakfast. No sleeping in!) and they were so brilliant. People who had lived by faith for years - relying on God, living daily in His word, they brought jewels and gifts of Him for us to think on each morning.

The other night it was raining, pouring down. I popped out briefly wrapped up in my cagoule anarak and got some Thai King Prawns in Chilli Sauce and rice from the Chineese takeaway. I came home, ate and watched Northern Exposure Episodes... it was fun - just being normal and everyday and very chilled out. I'm back home in Bond Street! And Birmingham too - brilliant seeing friends, being back at church, and being home with Anna and Catherine - my self-adopted family.

I'm going to Albania soon. Not till the middle of July. Sometimes feels like I'm wading through rivers to get there. I'll be pleased when I arrive, cause then all will make sense - I will be where I am meant to be. And I know I desire greatly to be there. I know I am meant to be here now thankfully too - but I'm being uprooted. I wish I was grown up, self contained, confident and brave enough not to feel insecure about that. I still want to be a part of my friends lives. I need to realise and believe that I am. I need to not look around me at what wont be my life for very much longer, although it will be for my friends - cause it's my life that I've got - and God's making it a tailor made best fit for me. I love Him - He's my constant clear bright blue sky and sunshine no matter what the weather. And it is bright out there - all the way to Albania!

How sweet it is to be loved by you...

I'm grateful. Today a group of us who just met each other last tuesday were all together in London. We travelled to visit a church which is being planted in a difficult part of London, it had been a central part of were major rioting took place in the 80's. Its a huge estate, multi cultural with various social problems - drug and gang related no doubt. The church was held in a portocabin type building, there was a sunday school and a small youth group and a service all taking place in the same space in different corners. It was freezing outside but so warm inside. The message preached was about Gideon taking an army of 300 against 120,000 and God equipping them and winning victory through them - all of God's doing through his chosen people. God does it today and in that warm building God was winning souls - and His presence and their servant hearts were tangible. Young teenagers who looked as though they would have no interest in sunday school were humbly listening to a middle aged lady reading from the Bible to them. Was awesome. Loved it - and there was homemade lemon cake with icing and hot coffee in the middle of the service too! Our little group made ourselves at home in the midst of them - we are going back in feburary to be with that church for a week - we are looking forward to it. Our group is all together as we are going through missionary candidates course to join WEC and each go out to different countries to actually be missionaries! Never thought this day would actually arrive! My thought and feeling through out the day was how sweet it was to be loved by God - how sweet it is to love him and I know he is taking me deeper in my bond with him and it truely feels so sweet to my life. I feel like I'm taking baby steps still - and one day I'll know what it actually feels like to win a mighty battle by the hand of the Lord - I'm so glad he is tenderly leading me to that place. He is God and there is no other.

Cafe times with Catherine

Today - I must update my blog. It has been over a month now since last writing. I have tons to talk about with my new ventures of life - living in a manor house, missions trainning, visions of Albania, gratefulness to God, desiring to be filled deeper with the Holy Spirit - and I will write of these things for sure - but all I want to write about briefly today is my friend Catherine.

You would love to meet her, and you will enjoy her thoughts and musings as she writes her blog - Station Road Oakly. I get the priveledge of being her Bond Street housemate. One of our favorite things to do is visit the CAFE Cafe. It is two seconds up the top of our street with "CAFE" painted bold and red upon its outside wall. It's not very big inside, and serves all the good traditions of an english cafe - hot bacon, egg or sausage sandwiches, big mugs of tea or coffee and other options I never really go for - all revolving around tastey english breakfasts. We sit in there when we can, and play backgammon! Catherine had this uncanny thing about always winning and leaving me with just one remaining piece to get into my side of the board. Always so close to winning I can never believe that she takes the victory so suddenly and easily and so often! That exciting moment breaks us out in loud laughter every time! But that is because she is Catherine and that is the fun we have in playing an old mans game such as backgammon! There is much to say about her, I am just pleased to know her and share life with her. And while I am away from my adopted home for these two months of missions training I will miss Catherine and those times and happily look forward to the rematches in the cafe with a mug of coffee where I win 10 games in a row!

Edmund loved turkish delight...

Edmund loved turkish delight and harboured his annoyances, selfishness and hurt inside. He became deceptive, traitorous and foolishly won over to an awful cold and unloving kingdom of the snow queen. But through Aslans plan and Edmunds good brother and sisters and through the journey that Edmund found himself on - he figured out what was good - and after escape, reconciliation and selflessness in battle, Edmund knew that it was possible to step into the big shoes of being a king - and being called Edmund the Just. That's cool, it's redemption, and I'm so glad of it.


"No one would love me if they knew all the things I hide. My words fall to the floor as tears drip through the telephone line. And the hands I’ve seen raised to the sky not waving but drowning all this time. I'll try to build an ark that they need to float to you upon the crystal sea. Give me your hand to hold 'cause I can't stand to love alone, and love alone is not enough to hold us up we've got to touch your robe, so swing your robe down low, swing your robe down low. The prince of despair's been beaten but the loser still fights, death's on a long leash stealing my friends to the night. And everyone cries for the innocent, you say to love the guilty too. And I'm surrounded by suffering and sickness so I'm working tearing back the roof. And the pain of the world is a burden and it's my cross to bear, and I stumble under all the weight. I know you're Simon standing there and I know you're standing there."
~ Caedoms Call, "Love Alone"

No one would love Edmund, no one would love me, knowing all the things he and I hide. Yet in the end that's not really true. All that hidden stuff is seen - somewhat by those around and entirely by Jesus, and he still loves and he knows the way through it all. I'm on a pursuit of holiness - being set free from the haunting sins and self will that leads us nowhere,to nothing - orelse through mountain paths to icy kingdoms of entrapments. God, like Narnia's Aslan is to be feared but is so good, has the great plan of redemption and the ability to look us in the eye giving us courage and humility and a contrite heart. And our friends and family love us like Peter, Susan and Lucy - or Simon standing there - ready to help lift the burden of the cross. And the pain of the world is a burden - but it's our cross to bear. Us and our struggles, us and our burdens, and our great God over all who walks with us and tries to reach us, who leads us and fills our heart with passions and compassion - He will makes us kings and queens - cause we are already in his family, already his heir, and we are part of his great work of healing the broken and setting the captives free, and along the journey we become who we were always meant to be - the great sons and daughters of the King!

just a part of this big world

Took a walk - up along the road, past the chocolate factory, up to the christian bookstore, into a cafe. Sat and wrote - drank hot chocolate, took a walk to the park and stood by a little stream and thought through my questions.

I got that feeling of wanting to run away again, wanting to break every chord and connection I have with here - a place I might have some semblance of belonging. I know its cause I'm leaving soon, and I know its cause there can never be a perfect place of forever friendship, life and love. I crave that permenance, and get so dissapointed when I feel its not somthing real, and I don't understand why I feel my heart breaking a little. I'm afraid of loosing whatever I might have gained, recieved, given. I know I'll just miss my friends. I always do. Are we meant to care and feel this much? I do mostly think so.

I'm glad I get to work these things out in my own way, in my own thoughts and walks - cause until I do I just want to be gone, away, unseen and unknown. I'm glad God is there - to hear me and know me. These lonely days are just a part of this big world.

Bond Street Winter Days

I wish people could see how lovely my little home in Birmingham is. There are fairy lights around the front window - and the window itself is gorgeous. It has stain glass in the top frames and is divided up into an arch and long lengths of glass. In the sitting room we have cozy couches and a great old fire place that is always ablaze with burning coal and wood now that winter has come. My house mates have decided they want to bring the charm back into England - and that they do! It is a quaint victorian terraced house with charm and unique tastes of Catherine, Anna and I. There is often music on - whether eva cassidy or worship music, aim or jack johnson and a whole array of other sounds. I suppose the most wonderful of all is the loving friends that they are! And that makes a happy home.

I'm more and more excited about relating well to people - having an open heart to learn and recieve and ultimatly to love. I'm glad to choose relating to others as a primary purpose for being alive. So in thinking about running with God in His plans for life and living - in actually doing something fruitful in this sorrow filled and joy filled world - I'm just so confident that God will take care of my life. He's given me so much - and even if I have nothing for a short time (I'll never have nothing with all that I have recieved in this life already - family, friends, memories.)- I know I'll have Him, and His good provision that goes beyond what we imagine.

Returning to Albania

The Promised Land. I wonder how the people knew the land was promised to them - what faith spoke to their hearts that told them they would reach a place of milk and honey? I wonder too how I have held on to this imagination that I would be somehow connected to Albania? I've had it for so long now, and once again it is coming into sight. I'm speaking with the regional directors of WEC on Saterday - they will inform me of developments for a project being set up in Albania for children in crisis. Rainbows of Hope, the branch of WEC that are pioneers in the cause of kids at risk, have finally allowed Albania to be on the open list for places to work. If it is right and if the way is opened up - I get to be the one who goes first - to research kids at risk in Albania and pray in a team to set up a work, a project - a home. So saterday is important, and the next step in this seven year journey of mine. If all goes to plan I will be there in the middle of next year - just in time for my 30th birthday. It took its time - from dreams of an eight year old - to be somewhere that struggled, to be a part of it, to live a Jesus life there. It's okay it might take me till my 30th year to get there. I guess the boss of my life has long term plans. I'm hoping He does.

Another dream of this return is to get a four wheel drive and with two good friends - Anna and Catherine, to drive through England, France, Switzerland and Italy - all the way to Albania! What a great way to start the new venture. What a gift from God if it does all come about. I'll write all about it as it happens.

Hello Jenn

Hello Jenn,
How is life in Texas? How are the days going?
Hope you are well. I don't have any contact details - email or address.
Let me know how you are doing,
Hope family life and settling back in the glorious state is flowing well!
Love, Beth

4am

About 4.15am I snuggled into bed. I was in London all day with Lisa and Jenn, a good day spent - great American friends in this foreign England, British Museum, Portobello market street, and a pub lunch. A good day. Couldn't bring myself to leave at the end of the evening - so very wisely decided - Jenn and I thought good talks in the pub with a pint was the way to go instead! Enjoyed that a lot - especially talking and listening - and just to add - I love you Jenn! Anyhow tierd feet later Jenn left me at the bus station close to midnight and I went to sort out my ticket. I couldn't really believe the state of things there at midnight. There was a couple who were truely down and out. The lady sang with a bottle in hand. Another older lady in a long coat was like a bag lady - although she was holding a big droopy scruffy cuddly toy instead of bags. There were one or two African people trying to get to Manchester even though it was a Birmingham bus. An old eastern European man with only one eye and his shoes taped up with selotape was trying to get on the bus with an out of date ticket. I had a ticket that was for a few hours earlier and was told that if I paid £2 it would be okay to get on. The flustered bus conducter didn't think so! In the end he said I could get on if I bought a new ticket - so that was all I could do. I went to the cash line and it was out of order, I returned to the bus and saw it drive away without me - and thought - that man didn't really want to help me...

There was another bus an hour later - but it was dark now and so edgy out there. The station was all closed up, and people sure did seem strange and outside of security. Life is not simple nor is it comforting, although these warm things do exist and bless us often. A man asked me for the time and thought I was stupid when I told him that the time was written on the tv screens in the station. I wondered out on to the street and a big guy with red hair and beard asked if he could help me. I said no, I would sort things out myself and walked away. He stayed around and asked me again - so I asked if he knew anything about trains or buses. He said no - but went and phoned national rail enquiries - and I thought he might be being genuinely helpful - but still sensibly wary about this strange man. He walked me half way to the cashline so I could get money for the next bus - he stood there making sure I was safe. We sat down on the cement leaning against the wall of the bus station and waited and talked for 40 minutes until 1am. We spoke of life, of God, travels and cities lived in, of family and of a garden allotment where his late grandfather used to plant rasberries and sweet peas. He brought a lightness to the dark.

On the bus at that early hour there was a man with crutches, poorer looking African immigrants and at the back a lady who opened can after can of beer until we reached Coventry and she wobbled off the bus into the humid dark blue night. I felt lostness as I felt the lostness of others - that feeling of being unfound as I heard a friend once say :) But on the bus rattled down the motorway and eventually the brakes skidded at Birmingham coach station and I feeling in the twilight zone wondered how to get a taxi to get home. I went into the waiting room. It was 3.30 in the morning and it was full and musty - again Africans and people waylaid and one or two people crashed out who looked like homeless drug addicts finding a warm place to shelter for the small hours. I phoned a taxi that never showed up - so half an hour later went outside and asked the taxi driver who was parked there if I could take his cab - he said I needed to phone and book. I tried the one after him and he asked me where I was going, then asked the people behind me where they were going - as they were going further he motioned for them to jump in. I was so upset that people did not have a heart of help. A nice young taxi driver pulled up and took me home, again we talked all the drive there. At 4.15am I opened the door, climbed the stairs and snuggled into bed.

recent days

Why is it so hard to sit and write a blog at times? I wonder why it feels like there is nothing to share although life is so full of work, travels, friends, family and all that happens in society in general. Well, I thought it was time to say something - anything!

Recent life has been a trip up to the Isle of Lewis - off the west coast of Scotland - a place like another planet really if not another ecosystem. Was great seeing family, friends and the melancholy remote landscapes. I made a second trip up to Scotland a week later - to Glasgow - attended a conference there about children at risk. It was amazingly informative and practical and I met people who so humbly devote their life to radically changing the way the world is at its worst. Again I have dreams and visions of my part to play in chipping away at the injustice, particularly in Albania.

In the midst of the day to day going to work, tidying house, figuring out what to eat for dinner and talking and laughing with housemates - I had a wonderful visit from two Chicago friends! So life is happening, life is dynamic, life is good and life has a bundle of unexplainedly hard things amongst the colour and smiles.

I have decided too - that along with it being hard to sit and write of things, it's hard to sit and read the Bible, hard to sit and talk to God, hard to make decisions of the disciplined life. I was thinking of that and found great comfort in the words that neither life nor death can seperate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. None of the happy or challenging or mundane or tragic or comical things of life can seperate us from the love of God.

Two other things that have been colourful little times of recent days - On midnight I was out looking one night for Mars - and I think I saw it close to the moon. I also had a dream of diving for stones at the bottom of the ocean and these colourful stones were made into an amazing pattern at the bottom of the ocean and reflected into a glorious, glowing pattern upon a big bright moon in the night sky. Quite cool, quite out there above the skies! No day is boring although it seems to be, and these have been the recent days for me!

upward call

The computer would not let me post a reply on Allans blog - but I wanted to say that I find myself in that place more and more frequently - a place of restisting Gods strong love and grace, with an ever awareness of my small heart that is limited and runaway with thoughts of self and defeat. This past weekend I was a way at a conference and was asked to confess my idols - I found self proctectiveness to be quite high on the list and with a deeper look found unbelief - defending myself as one who did not care that Jesus did not love me... So strange, I never realised it so deeply before, and wonderfully I found the love of Jesus able to forgive and accept the hardness I felt towards him. It feels like there is annointing when we recognise Gods glory and intimate love for ourselves as individuals. I see people differently - I see them as loved by God. My insecurities in relating to others fade as I know that I am free to be myself - loved by Jesus. It doesn't stop there though - it's only a deepening of all the reasons to dwell in his presence, recieving, worshipping and trusting - being ready to be a risk taker, and a lover of people with truth becoming ever more vital. Bring on brokeness and meeting Jesus there, bring on faith in the otherwise thought unobtainable and bring on the solid life that is able to stand and express all that has been granted by the great I AM. I want an upward vision, I want depth and firm footing and I want the wonder of all that is good from his hand, and I want to be like Jesus - sharing what the Father has given to him.

Batman begins

"it's not what is within a man, but what he does that defines him" I thought it was an awesomne quote - a kick in the right direction I think! We have dreams and hopes - but the time comes to live them out, and I guess that is what we are all trying to do - but words like that give me an extra zoom of ambition - to keep on keeping on with the aspirations within. Really liked the film too - despite the scarry mask man.

I have not written on here for ages - I've had time out from everything - even time out from myself - not cared to face some of the things that challenge me - but I'm happy to have taken my time - I know that the long term will bring all fruit to bear, and from this recent rest I feel ready to spring back up from the ocean floor and burst up for air refreshed. I'm still under the water so to speak - but in a week or so I'll be up on the Isle of Lewis with 10 free days! I'm so excited to have time to reflect - time to walk on beaches and on the croft, time to plan and dream and get some ideas in motion, time for good food, maybe wine and on the not so sunny days a nice fire in the living room fire place. Will write again from that Hebredian magic!

breath and energy

I'm beginning to feel an almost imperceptible renewed breeze of life coming through me - just a slight return of energy and life/breath. Spent the last two weeks with bronchitus and flu and hayfever - full of thoughts - full of alone time, full of whirlpool emotions. But today - just today - I feel a little bit of strength a little bit of life. One day I'll have something to write and say - but it is still not yet. Looking forward to hearing the griffen house album - looking forward to living with enthusiasum and life! Bring back the energy and joy - bring back the love and expression - bring back life!

moving day

Today - cooler than normal, everything is dark green as its rainy and humid and clear. I'm sitting in an internet cafe with funky soul music playing, I've got a diet coke and a cheese toastie - taking a well appreciated time out from the life and the world around me. It's good around me - but more of the adaptation realigning is taking place. I moved home today. Left Mum and Dad and the family home for the last 10 years.Everything is all packed up and the end of an era is now. Moved to an unknown part of Birmingham to me - Stirchly, with two great girls from work, to a nice old terraced house - but the same day I move in - Nancy has moved out - she is going back to the States after being here for 3 years. I understand the feelings of it after moving back to England from the States - a whole year ago now! I can't believe the time has gone so quickly... Everyone will be getting used to something or someone new - and soon it'll become normal and great - but today is the day of the move...

creative space

Tonight there is a "creative space" time at the hostel where I work. People have painted paintings, wrote poems, will do drama. I've been to hardware stores, painted pictures, written one or two words, sawn, built a frame for Carol's painting. I love that feeling of practical work on a summers day - put the music on, get paint all over my hands, make an acheivement of sorts. Nothing too profound to share - just ticking along with my own visions and dreams forming themselves in my heart and mind. With all the priveledge we hold as healthy, mind active working people there is so much we can do throughout the day and the long term for the good. I've been thinking of the minature earth and the fact that we belong to this generation - there's tons we can do, we got a place in this earth. Tie in the heart of God and the surrender of the cocooned life and we can live and move and contribute for the better in this creative space.

dreams in waiting

A few days ago I was high on a mountain top - surrounded by unspoilt grass, daisies, delicate purple flowers. The view of the surrounding mountain peaks was awe-inspiring but in no way overwhelming - it was a gentle awe, like the warm, almost hot, sun and ever so gentle breeze that indescreetly blew. I was there with Cimmi and Danja and thier 2 year old daughter Sara, Richard, Joanne and Dorothy. We had a picnic of the freshest, ripest tomatoes, homebaked bread, cream cheese and faithful coca cola. Richard is writing a book called "The invisible servant" of his life and ministry in Albania - and he has been there through the war times and has sought to encourage the people that they might know hope which is so lacking in their culture and lives. Many of the old Albanians have been through persecution and poverty, they have grown in perseverance and character and in this are amiable and admirable - but they have no inckling of hope - and the next generation grew up the same. There is the possibility for a new day in Albania - it's arriving - it may be a generation of hope that is raised in young Sara's day - but it will be a huge battle that if won, will be won by God alone through his faithful invisible servants I would imagine. But all this is not what I wanted to say. I went back to Albania unexpectedly last week - arrived home again yesterday morning. My heart is ever more tied to the country, I feel a kinship to it. Although I was in a place I had never been with people I had never met before - it was Albania and I found that strange feeling of belonging again. My thoughts were shared with Richard on the top of another mountain - the longing to fulfill this destiny I have felt pulled to for so long - a life lived of advocacy and an expression of truth and love. It makes sense to me that it would fit in Albania and it would fit with children at risk. I didn't feel wrong in my words or ambitions - but felt that there was still that - not yet, not now. It made me wonder if it will ever be. If I got to the end of my life and nothing was done about these feelings in my bones and being - then I'll wonder why they ever were there in the first place. But I left that mountain top, knowing that it was my heart that was restless - it is my heart that longs to be expressed and God may suprise me in how he brings that expression to light. I'm not giving up on the dream - I'm going to be ready for the day that God might say - now go, go to the battle ground. Until that time I live a day at a time - grateful for provisions and setting in sight the staying on the narrow path of what would God want from me today. What will I do today - never mind the dreams, never mind that future place of serving that I have only seen in my own imagination. God's going to get me there, get us there - today is all there will ever be, and for the long term I'm going to be ready, I'm so glad I get the chance to get ready.

For Lynn

I have to write again... because so much can happen in one day. I left my Dad's office this morning, after checking emails on his computer. I was going to the shops to buy some lunch and snacks for a sunday day off from work. I saw a friend who told me that a dear friend of mine died yesterday. I met Lynn and Les about 7 years ago - and they became the grandparents I never had, and good friends too. They loved animals and took care of my well adored border collie when I lived in Albania and my parents were half way accross the world. We would often be together in the park we all loved, and Lynn moved into our street after her husband Les died. Les became a christian before he died, and he had been an atheist for so long. Lynn missed him like crazy, and longed for heaven, and she is there now. It aches though - to know you love someone and can't let them know anymore. It was a special friendship that only we had, and I'm glad.

May Day

Just would like to say I wish I was with you all on May 1st. I'd be there ready to talk through these issues - to dream, to surrender, to be lifted up in faith. I don't come accross people who are so passionatly tied to these matters of global perspective. Even if I do - as to be honest most people I know have some passion about the world and its realities - there seem to be so few who would want theirs lives to be turned upside down as the cost of being a part of some move towards life, for those crying out for life. Jenn, your bringing it back to Jesus is so good - because I am prone to think far and wide on fighting injustice (what's the point of empty thoughts!). I want to be a part of it - I think that is the strongest yearning of my heart, but above that I want my heart permeated with Jesus - and for my life and work to be an out pouring of Him, of the message of the cross. We serve an awe-inspiring God of Love, Justice, Sacrafice and Freedom. See what is there to do with these feelings and thoughts? May Day sounds like a good venue indeed.

dark part of my soul

It is silent, staring out the window
feeling alone, inferior, unknown.
It feels unobtainable -
yearning for acceptance, keeping isolated, retained.

It is broken, crying quietly and within.
It's not all consuming - except for moments in a day,
sometimes days within a year,
years within a lifetime.

It's not all of me,
only the dark part of my soul.

Pour light into the darkness,
a flood of bright exposure -
In a wide open space let fresh breezes and glory freely flow
Till the brown dark earth sparkles
daisies, buttercups and precious stones
in dew kissed blades of deep green grass.

Kirk and Amy

Gonna keep it short and sweet - cause no one writes on my blogs!! It's one of those insecure kind of days - wondering about my worth, and thinking it to be small in others eyes. And Kirk Franklins song just comes to mind - "try to call your best friend, but he's not there, so you wind up feeling empty like no one cares....there's a man from glory full of mercy and grace. He'll pick you up, he'll hold your hand......................." and on and on!! Kirks songs are great - you just end up singing them and getting carried away if your not careful! And Amy Grant ofcourse - one song always helps - one song I knew decades ago - "I love a lonely day, it makes me think of you" Bringing it back to God, and it reminds me to talk to him, when I'm feeling this way.