April 24, 2005
For Lynn
I have to write again... because so much can happen in one day. I left my Dad's office this morning, after checking emails on his computer. I was going to the shops to buy some lunch and snacks for a sunday day off from work. I saw a friend who told me that a dear friend of mine died yesterday. I met Lynn and Les about 7 years ago - and they became the grandparents I never had, and good friends too. They loved animals and took care of my well adored border collie when I lived in Albania and my parents were half way accross the world. We would often be together in the park we all loved, and Lynn moved into our street after her husband Les died. Les became a christian before he died, and he had been an atheist for so long. Lynn missed him like crazy, and longed for heaven, and she is there now. It aches though - to know you love someone and can't let them know anymore. It was a special friendship that only we had, and I'm glad.
May Day
Just would like to say I wish I was with you all on May 1st. I'd be there ready to talk through these issues - to dream, to surrender, to be lifted up in faith. I don't come accross people who are so passionatly tied to these matters of global perspective. Even if I do - as to be honest most people I know have some passion about the world and its realities - there seem to be so few who would want theirs lives to be turned upside down as the cost of being a part of some move towards life, for those crying out for life. Jenn, your bringing it back to Jesus is so good - because I am prone to think far and wide on fighting injustice (what's the point of empty thoughts!). I want to be a part of it - I think that is the strongest yearning of my heart, but above that I want my heart permeated with Jesus - and for my life and work to be an out pouring of Him, of the message of the cross. We serve an awe-inspiring God of Love, Justice, Sacrafice and Freedom. See what is there to do with these feelings and thoughts? May Day sounds like a good venue indeed.
April 08, 2005
dark part of my soul
It is silent, staring out the window
feeling alone, inferior, unknown.
It feels unobtainable -
yearning for acceptance, keeping isolated, retained.
It is broken, crying quietly and within.
It's not all consuming - except for moments in a day,
sometimes days within a year,
years within a lifetime.
It's not all of me,
only the dark part of my soul.
Pour light into the darkness,
a flood of bright exposure -
In a wide open space let fresh breezes and glory freely flow
Till the brown dark earth sparkles
daisies, buttercups and precious stones
in dew kissed blades of deep green grass.
feeling alone, inferior, unknown.
It feels unobtainable -
yearning for acceptance, keeping isolated, retained.
It is broken, crying quietly and within.
It's not all consuming - except for moments in a day,
sometimes days within a year,
years within a lifetime.
It's not all of me,
only the dark part of my soul.
Pour light into the darkness,
a flood of bright exposure -
In a wide open space let fresh breezes and glory freely flow
Till the brown dark earth sparkles
daisies, buttercups and precious stones
in dew kissed blades of deep green grass.
Kirk and Amy
Gonna keep it short and sweet - cause no one writes on my blogs!! It's one of those insecure kind of days - wondering about my worth, and thinking it to be small in others eyes. And Kirk Franklins song just comes to mind - "try to call your best friend, but he's not there, so you wind up feeling empty like no one cares....there's a man from glory full of mercy and grace. He'll pick you up, he'll hold your hand......................." and on and on!! Kirks songs are great - you just end up singing them and getting carried away if your not careful! And Amy Grant ofcourse - one song always helps - one song I knew decades ago - "I love a lonely day, it makes me think of you" Bringing it back to God, and it reminds me to talk to him, when I'm feeling this way.
April 05, 2005
happy with myself
I wanted to think about who I would like to be, with all the shallowness of certain hopes and the deeper dreams too...
Right here goes - completely just as my thoughts flow. I want to be full of life - able to have energy - to run and dance and be comfortable in my own body. I guess to be able to be the right size - to fit well to my bones, so I can wear the clothes I like and look nice. At the same time to have health, a nourished and well watered system! I want to enjoy the simple things like bubble gum and the weather. I want to be open hearted and have conversation easily, and be able to laugh at silly things and be cheerful. I'd love to have some adventures whether that would be dirt bike racing or trekking through the jungle, or wildlife exploring - watching lions and tigers. Or maybe just taking a train ride with some friends to some interesting city or countryside. It'd be fun to know music better, get to find some nice cafes, or know some scrumptious recipies for milkshakes or cakes to make when friends visit. I want to have an open heart to this world, and an awareness of what people are going through, and wisdom and affection enough to share with them. I want to spend each day - with time to chill out and fellowship, but also with time set apart for quiet, for study, for growing. Overall I want to be open for life and ready, able and willing to embrace it - and bring kindness to it.
I guess these are my goals for now - no longer an ideal of changing the injustice, my vision just extends to being happy with myself... maybe then I'll be granted another burden in my heart, another passion for standing firmly in the gap. I don't have that right now - it's turned simple, it's turned inward, and maybe the hardest work ahead of me is finding that contentment with me. These aren't unobtainable ideals - I guess I just got to start living. Proverbs 3
ps - I guess I better let you know what I'm up against... my natural tendancies - laze around the house, eat some good food - once in a while I'll cook something, watch tv shows for a bit, roll a tobacco cigarette for myself, smoke it in the garden, possibly find the motivations to clean my room, take a shower and have a walk in the park - maybe even read a bit of a book. I've started so many over the past 3 months... Work is my main motivation and church, meeting friends too. Keeps me right! I got a few battles to fight a head of me if I want to be happy with myself!
Right here goes - completely just as my thoughts flow. I want to be full of life - able to have energy - to run and dance and be comfortable in my own body. I guess to be able to be the right size - to fit well to my bones, so I can wear the clothes I like and look nice. At the same time to have health, a nourished and well watered system! I want to enjoy the simple things like bubble gum and the weather. I want to be open hearted and have conversation easily, and be able to laugh at silly things and be cheerful. I'd love to have some adventures whether that would be dirt bike racing or trekking through the jungle, or wildlife exploring - watching lions and tigers. Or maybe just taking a train ride with some friends to some interesting city or countryside. It'd be fun to know music better, get to find some nice cafes, or know some scrumptious recipies for milkshakes or cakes to make when friends visit. I want to have an open heart to this world, and an awareness of what people are going through, and wisdom and affection enough to share with them. I want to spend each day - with time to chill out and fellowship, but also with time set apart for quiet, for study, for growing. Overall I want to be open for life and ready, able and willing to embrace it - and bring kindness to it.
I guess these are my goals for now - no longer an ideal of changing the injustice, my vision just extends to being happy with myself... maybe then I'll be granted another burden in my heart, another passion for standing firmly in the gap. I don't have that right now - it's turned simple, it's turned inward, and maybe the hardest work ahead of me is finding that contentment with me. These aren't unobtainable ideals - I guess I just got to start living. Proverbs 3
ps - I guess I better let you know what I'm up against... my natural tendancies - laze around the house, eat some good food - once in a while I'll cook something, watch tv shows for a bit, roll a tobacco cigarette for myself, smoke it in the garden, possibly find the motivations to clean my room, take a shower and have a walk in the park - maybe even read a bit of a book. I've started so many over the past 3 months... Work is my main motivation and church, meeting friends too. Keeps me right! I got a few battles to fight a head of me if I want to be happy with myself!
April 02, 2005
day in the city
The good weather is on its way this side of the waters.
I spent yesterday in the city centre with my friend Mark. I like that, when you get to the stage of knowing the city, it's best places, where to walk, just a feeling of belonging to the buildings and streets. We found a good place to eat in a fancy restruant under the ground, almost like a victorian, gothic, medieval, sumptuous place in a cave! Saw a film at an older cinema, where all the kids makes lots of noise, and the popcorn is sweet. Then we walked the city, along the canals, exploring old derelict industrial buildings. Amazingly enough a guy from church cycled by while we were peeking in the windows of a giant old mill - although its the second biggest city in England, you always bump into someone. As we got to the new developments along the canal - the up and coming corporate apartments for the young wealthy (UK style gentrification). It's all very nice (stones throw away from the council lowest economy appartments) - new architecture and bridges alongside the old wharf and canal boats - in a part called Jupiter. Passing by there was a young guy leaning out of his boat barge listening loud to old jazz. It was still sunny but setting by now, and we chatted accross the water to him, hearing his adventures of being blown out to sea and his engine breaking, and how he has pulled the boat by hand over the last nine months to get to moor there in Birmingham. He invited us over to the boat, so we sat in, listening to Arabic chillout music and drinking water - cause that is all he had - he was a penniless! His small barge boat was called "The Black Pearl" after Jack Sparrow's ship in "Pirates of the Carribean" and there I left Mark and our new friend Tom Farrow. Finally on my way home, there was an old aquaintance from Iraq at the bus stop that I hardley ever go to. I had known him from working with Sister Margaret a few years back. He still hasn't been home, has endured all the Iraqi war knowing it to be a big business game, but is settling into life, albeit uncertainly. He teaches Math at college now, is trainning to be a teacher and is making all the changes needed to live in a new culture and be a new person in the new life he has to live. He's doing great, but he just seems sad, and no wonder.
Anyway - it was a day in the city, and I loved it.
I spent yesterday in the city centre with my friend Mark. I like that, when you get to the stage of knowing the city, it's best places, where to walk, just a feeling of belonging to the buildings and streets. We found a good place to eat in a fancy restruant under the ground, almost like a victorian, gothic, medieval, sumptuous place in a cave! Saw a film at an older cinema, where all the kids makes lots of noise, and the popcorn is sweet. Then we walked the city, along the canals, exploring old derelict industrial buildings. Amazingly enough a guy from church cycled by while we were peeking in the windows of a giant old mill - although its the second biggest city in England, you always bump into someone. As we got to the new developments along the canal - the up and coming corporate apartments for the young wealthy (UK style gentrification). It's all very nice (stones throw away from the council lowest economy appartments) - new architecture and bridges alongside the old wharf and canal boats - in a part called Jupiter. Passing by there was a young guy leaning out of his boat barge listening loud to old jazz. It was still sunny but setting by now, and we chatted accross the water to him, hearing his adventures of being blown out to sea and his engine breaking, and how he has pulled the boat by hand over the last nine months to get to moor there in Birmingham. He invited us over to the boat, so we sat in, listening to Arabic chillout music and drinking water - cause that is all he had - he was a penniless! His small barge boat was called "The Black Pearl" after Jack Sparrow's ship in "Pirates of the Carribean" and there I left Mark and our new friend Tom Farrow. Finally on my way home, there was an old aquaintance from Iraq at the bus stop that I hardley ever go to. I had known him from working with Sister Margaret a few years back. He still hasn't been home, has endured all the Iraqi war knowing it to be a big business game, but is settling into life, albeit uncertainly. He teaches Math at college now, is trainning to be a teacher and is making all the changes needed to live in a new culture and be a new person in the new life he has to live. He's doing great, but he just seems sad, and no wonder.
Anyway - it was a day in the city, and I loved it.
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