the waterfall life

Leaving Isa Boletini

2007-06-04T07:53:00.000Z

Its been a long time since writing... so I almost don't know where to begin – except I've chosen one place to start writing about. I'm leaving the Isa Boletini neighbourhood... That's a strange thing... For the last month or so I've had all my house packed up – ready to leave – part of me couldn't even face being back in my apartment in the last several weeks, and as I write about it here now – part of me feels pretty sad to leave it all. The funny thing is – I don't even know where I'm moving to yet – I've just had this urge to leave...

Sounds like the Joni Mitchell song!

“I get the urge for going, but I never seem to go. I get the urge for going when the meadow grass is turning brown. Summertime is falling down and winter closing in...”

Unlike the song though - I know the reason I'm moving on – and its nothing so adventurous as having a nomadic soul! I came to accept that it just isn't healthy living with a broken down bathroom that shares the smells and leaks of the apartments upstairs and downstairs. It's time to go... its a broken down apartment that I grew to really like and gave my best and it became home – but it was also kind of lonely and kind of smelly! So my bags are packed and I've nowhere yet to go.

Every day I meet the people outside – neighbours that have little shops and nik-naks for sale. They've all grown affectionate towards me. When I see Isa looking out to the mountains in the north and the old apartment blocks – I just feel affection for Albania and wish I knew the country better, wish I was more involved in its life, but as ever I know that it will take its own time, and at least I am fortunate to have a beginning here.

I've travelled around in the last couple of months and been kind of transient – been in different Albanian cities and even to Montenegro. I've been in conferences, on holiday, in language courses, been with my new Albanian and International friends, staying round at their places overnight quite often and even been with my parents for two and a half weeks, I've begun the work of research that I came here for – and I'm growing in my life here – finding an identity in Shkoder, in Albania. I'm longing to be effective. I'm living out the normal Christian life of needing the Lord and enjoying Him and working through a hundred questions about myself and the world! I'm back on blogger and I'm well, and someday soon I'll really be leaving the Isa Boletini neighbourhood....

cool kids on the block

2007-03-18T12:58:00.000Z

I really liked this morning. It was a couple of weeks back. Judy and I had gone round to Margarets house to clean it - as she was coming back after being away for a month. Three boys were down in the yard and at first the older ones were "very cool" and the little one shy and giggling at the foreigners - but in the end after a few smiles and questions from us became good little buddies for the morning. While Judy went to fix lunch I played cards with them - hearing about tricks and games and seeing pictures of 50 Cents and Eminem on their cellphone :)

poems, prayers and promises

2007-03-04T09:13:00.000Z

"And talk of poems and prayers and promises and things that we believe in. How sweet it is to love someone. How right it is to care. How long its been since yesterday and what about tomorrow and what about our dreams and all the memories we share...For though my lifes been good to me theres still so much to do, so many things my mind has never known. Id like to raise a family. Id like to sail away and dance across the mountains on the moon."

Good old John Denver!

So the world is as it is - and to care means to really care - but with all the seriousness of how things are, it seems a secondary thing to think of tenderness and love and hopes and dreams - but its foundational. I'm so glad God has put this way before us - to love true and well. The more God teaches me about love the more I see how far from loving others I am - but also how much I long to love with the creative love of God.

"love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous, love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth, bears all things, believes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

road of hope

2007-02-25T13:55:00.000Z

I don't think too highly of myself at times, and in some ways there is such a validity in these thoughts – and in other ways I need to find truth to replace wrong ways of thinking about myself. At times a highland or coastal retreat seems the closest thing to rest I could find, at other times a deep understanding of my soul by another looks like the only way of completing “who I am”.

But there is only one narrow and secure path that is my only true journey – and it is not selfish, not futile (2 Peter 1:2-8). Though it is not an easy way to take it is life and life abundant not only for myself but for the glory of God and the blessing of others. The only reason I have hope in this path or even being able to walk this road – despite my thoughts of myself – is because God has made a promise to me – that I believe.

He said "You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called from its remotest parts, and said to you “You are my servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you” do not fear for I am with you, do not anxiously look about you for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:9-10

Freetown

2007-02-24T19:13:00.000Z

I saw “Blood Diamond” last night.

I have a lot of things to say – but I don't know how or where to begin – and in all honestly I feel I have no right to say a word – because as one who briefly loved Freetown, I lived without the scars of the war. I just want to see the place again. I wrote a poem about Freetown before the war reached. That's over 15 years ago – the war must have been just about beginning.

I never realised over these years that the root cause of the war was over diamonds. I believe it was – because that is what Sorious Samura said and I take his word – because he was willing to die for Freetown and for filming the footage of "Cry Freetown" the traumatic real life documentary of the siege in Freetown in 1999. Filmed to show the world what was happening. This brutal war and unrest lasted years.... like other African civil wars. I had always thought there must be a deep cause – some historical deep rooted tribal and international cause – but the pure, selfish exploitation takes its credit and has reigned free and I wonder how the whole world is standing yet when forces such as that have been unchecked. I can't get over it, and I don't think I ever will. And I wasn't even there...

Freetown
(by Elisabeth Smith early 1990's)

There is a diamond rich, poverty poor country that used to be my home.
Lion Mountain the meaning and Sierra Leone the name:

The roads are covered in holes
Tin roofed wooden houses look like they'll fall down.
Colonial buildings still stand.
A bell on an old church rings.
An Islamic cry sounds throughout the town.

A skinny dog sniffs food in open gutters.
Two young boys run barefoot through the streets.
A lady carries a bowl of peanuts on her head.
A young man chews on a kaola nut as he wanders down the road.

The sun goes down and fills the skies with radiant orange and red.
Dust rises as a little girl pushes her metal wire wheel toy.
She walks towards a now candle lit stall selling candies and cigarettes for a penny.

People are begging. Others are dancing.
Some are hungry while others are high.
A distant tribal drum beats from the mountain jungles.
Does it speak of previous war – or one to come?

There is a natural truth under the African sun.
I laughed and ran with street kids.
Ate fresh pineapple on the beach and watched 13 foot waves.
My journey is now taking me to new worlds, peoples and lands.

Oh for eyes to see and a life of love to bring.

miraculous, foundational and simple treasures

2007-02-17T21:28:00.000Z

Is not the sky and the sun and the wind a delightful truth when they are warm and gentle and clear and blue? That's how they were today. A simple treasure as I carried firewood and swept a yard at a friends house. I enjoyed the work outside when the morning was so fresh. With the same lightness as today's weather I'm grateful for an inspiration of building well upon a foundation. There are so many ways to be faithful to the building up of our lives – faithful in our relationship with God, faithful in our love for one another, faithful in the responsibilities of the works that we are called to do. And in this faithfulness lies a lasting treasure being built upon a sure foundation. This determination can be out of focus at times with desire for other treasures and it holds true that “where your treasure is – there your heart will be also” How grateful I am to know the contentment of heart that has allowed me to see the treasure of the simple and foundational. I have been so aware of “being lifted” like Van Morrison sang, and I know it is not from my own strength. I know that so many people have prayed for me since I have been in Albania, and that in itself is precious, but that God has heard and in His faithfulness has answered – there in lies the treasure of the miraculous.

“No one is able to lay another foundation besides the one laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if anyone builds on this foundation gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, the work of each will become evident, for the Day will make it clear” 1 Corinthians 3:11-13

sojourning

2007-02-13T18:26:00.000Z

You can never really guess what the turns and the tides of life will bring...

I got an email from a friend telling me about the fun in the snow in England at the moment – snowball fights, snowmen, 5 hours spent with friends sliding along in the car for a usually 20 minute journey! And I am here – and I would have been there... and would have loved it! Here – the rain is pouring down and I zip through the puddles on my bike riding one handed with an umbrella in the other. I'm studying a book on “self discipline” and I'm making new friends who speak Albanian and have lived another kind of life. I'm happy – I just never could have guessed this. I've got to live this new life with as much commitment of delight and love as I would have - a snowball of fun across the waters. Is that saying goodbye to a life lived before? I don't exactly think so – I'm just sailing along with the currents and having been pulled far along in an undertow I'm learning to make sense and build new life on this “treasure island” that Gods wind blew me upon.

I have been this way since since childhood never ever wanting to let go of life that in reality was already transpiring away from me, like a vapour, like a tailwind. Its the people who have always been most important - though landscapes and seas, mountains, trees and old houses and dogs all had their weight of glory. My comfort in that is that God is a God of the eternal – and his relationships last forever – I can trust all my true friends of memories and present day to that. And here on the temporary planes they are out there sailing the seas too, and those surfing the same waves, well we'll bump into each other again one day – and I shall offer them exotic teas from foreign fields before once again sojourning on.

cartoon life

2007-02-10T23:43:00.000Z

Me in cartoon!
www.weeworld.com

...glimpse of an evening

2007-01-24T20:54:00.000Z

Its been cold and rainy all day and I've just come home. Its evening, and the electricity is off. I found all the candles I could and have lit them all. They are lovely – and I hope they will last the evening... I have a little radio that my friends sent for a Christmas gift – it runs on batteries and I was so pleased to find a classical music radio station tonight, so its been lovely listening to that as I swish around the house cleaning it up and making it cosy! While cooking up dinner the radio station began to change and went to Arabian, Turkish Albanian music, then on to Italian opera – and now is an hour of Elvis Presley! Radio Shqiptar has given me a charming evening! I'll settle down to reading my present “books to read” and I feel so grateful for all I have and enjoy. Oh – do you like the lion that sits on top of my fridge?

what a gift for the day and forever

2007-01-14T10:27:00.000Z

A new day is here, a new day dawned by Gods grace.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world gives, give I to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

There is no peace not "like" the peace of Christ, but "except" the peace of Christ. It is not like the peace of the world. When I have read in the Bible about not being troubled or afraid or recieveing the sustaining of the Lord I've often thought of it to be a word for those in some kind of trial or battle that relates to a spiritual sacrafice or deep and powerful faith building in the midst of living out the life for the sake of the Gospel. But - today - I take it just as it is. Don't let my heart be troubled, cast my burden because the Lord will sustain me - not in some noble pursuit - but in the struggles of cleaning house or not worrying about what people might think of me or what I think of myself. A heavanly word for the earthly day.

"You will keep them in perfect peace - whose mind is stayed on thee (Jesus, my Saiour)" Isaiah 26:3

wild seas, gladiators and a day trip to Durres

2007-01-11T19:39:00.000Z

Started out in the rain in Tirana, I waited by the Skanderberg Statue and recognised Flori who had been playing the drums in church a few days before – where I had met Marieke and Peter who had invited me to come along with them for the day out to Durres. Flori had a big umbrella and so, inspired, on the way to the train station we bought a couple of umbrellas at the side of the road. I have a nice red one now :) The bus trip was fun, we talked away and were glad we were at the back not with the man in the row in front who had to sit with his umbrella up against the window as the rain was poring in!

After exploring the sea port and the old castle walls, the palm trees and old statues we had a coffee in the castle tower. The steps up to the top were huge big steps and it was cool to find a dusty old gramophone in a corner. We drank cappuccinos in the smoky tower with loud music on and talked of travels and wondering the world!

Ready to explore we climbed the uphill cobbled street, found some beautiful oranges growing on a tree then came across the second century amphitheatre. It was amazing to be there. We paid the 100 Lek to the old guy who sits in a little shed by its gate and soon we were reading about how the gladiators and slaves would be sent out to fight for entertainment. We found all sorts of treasures like a cross symbol and a mosaic and tunnels and steps and hidden passages. It was fun. I could almost hear lions roar.

We trundled back down the hill to the sea and in the wild wind and rain walked out along the pier to be as close as we could get. On the way back there was a really nice old shed out on the sea front that Marieke and I both quite liked the look of and we tried our best to take photos of it – though it was too far away for our camera lenses. It was cool finding out that all three of us girls had grown up internationally and all spent time growing up in Africa. Good to meet people with some kind of common background which is quite rare for “third culture kids” as they call our brand of childhood! And cool to think that each one of us ended up in missions in Albania too... These guys live in Tirana – but will be great to meet up with them again when I'm down there, or they may travel up north one day...

Our day ended finding a nice restaurant and lots of pasta and seafood before sheltering under a canopy in the dark while night fell and a hail storm blew through, but soon enough we were all getting toasty and warm on the overcrowded bus back to Tirana. A great day out!!

These photos are of children's painting that were printed large across a wall in Durres. They all represent hope for Albania. One says “flying together with the dove of peace” Have a look at the photos of the day in Durres in Beth's Photos. They are quite fun!

so I have the blues?

2007-01-10T18:14:00.000Z

Well, I'm not really sure I want to write this blog entry... cause its not very happy... I've got one to write up of a visit to a 2nd century ampitheater in Durres and old old city of Albania. It'll been cool to write that up some day soon! And there is more to say about Albania and its people and its needs and its landscape. But for now back to myself and the blues...

Its just about 7pm and that's been my bedtime for the last 3 nights. I've been ill for five days. Not been able to eat, been weak, been aching. Sometimes the electricitys been off. For most of the time I've questioned everything from my purpose and worth, integrity and relationship with God and man! Its been turmoil. I've sort of agonnised over these thoughts that turn into deep emotional feelings and the ache has gone alongside the physical wrenching of my body. So, there are my blues. I'd find no strength but to be in bed by 6.30pm and I'd not wake up enough to get out of bed till gone 9am at the earliest. Its been hard. I don't understand it and I know I'm struggling - somewhere, somehow.

Last night in the dark in my room, I read the Bible with a torch/flashlight. I read Isaiah 40, 41, 42. Amazing passages. I read Psalm 25. One part of Isaiah says "Like a shepherd he will tend his flock, in his arm he will gather the lambs and carry them in his bosom; he will gently lead the nursing ewes"

The image spoke to me and I saw the good shepherd - laying accross the gateway, the rain was pouring down and it was a moonlight night, he was strong and large and though it seemed he was sleeping - he was awake. And then I saw a lamb - small and dejected, cold and worn and dirty in the rain and sad in its heart. It was so close to the shepherd for it could see him sleeping, protecting the fold. It was far from friends or family and its little bleats could only travel so far accross the cold winds and there was no other sheep in sight. And so the lamb slowly went to the arms of the good shepherd and rested there, and he took the lamb in his arms and held it close. Yeah - and that lamb was me.

I can't desribe what I'm going though or even why, but I know my only true answer is the good shepherd who never sleeps or slumbers nor does he grow tierd. I am slow to know the love of the shepherd - even though I am so close to him and I skip along and try to follow him. I'm not sure why I do not rest more often in his loving and strong arms.

In writing this now I see another truth - God gives beauty for ashes. My lowest place is exchanged for beauty from God. And I am getting better, but I'm not through it yet - though the shepherd doesn't change - and he loves me, so aleast (or at the most) I've got strong arms to hold me.

grace is whispering...

2007-01-05T11:18:00.000Z

Lord Jesus - thank you for not giving up, for loving me even this day...
Thank you for the grace you whisper in my heart and in my ear...

I know I have a long way to go - but you love me
Sorry for the sin you know that is continually before me
Sorry for the judgement I pass on to others as I weigh it down upon myself
Oh your grace that whispers to me,
It is for freedom, that you have set us free...

"for you have not recieved a spirit of slavery leading to fear again,
but you have recieved a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out "Abba! Father!"
Romans 8:15

Greg Parsons

2007-01-04T14:57:00.000Z

I found out today that a friend of mine died in an accident. He was 25 years old. I knew him in the Christian Union of the University of Abertay. He had a heart to minister to hurting children and was living to do so. He was impacted by the suffering of the world, and chose to live to bring light into darkness. He loved Jesus and was gentle and kind. His name was Greg.

There's a quote I wanted to write about today - before I heard the news about Greg. I think its okay to still write about that quote. I think Greg would agree with it. I hope its okay to talk about these things in the same space as sharing my respect for Greg and the sorrow I feel at this news. To me, they both kind of fit together.

We are alive and what are we living for, what are we doing in this world? What am I doing? I want to make use of the time I've got - and I want it to be for "being Jesus" alive and well on this needy and misplaced and broken earth. I can see the happy side of life, the fun and comfort and all the rest - but I want to live for the side of life that is crying out for life. In heavan I'll know freedom and joy - but will have no more opportunity to meet the hurts of the broken or stand up for all that is good in the midst of all that is bad. I heard it called "the art of redemptive suffering" once. Help us Lord Jesus to follow you! To be like you! To let you shine through our lives! Give us your heart Lord, and call us close to your side so we know well how to follow you...

Two guys are talking to each other, and one of them says he has a question for God. He wants to ask why God allows all this poverty and war and suffering to exist in the world. And his friend says "well, why don't you ask?" The fellow shakes his head and says he is scared. When his friend asks why, he mutters "I'm scared God will ask me the same question" Over and over, when I ask God why all of these injustices are allowed to exist in the world, I can feel the Spirit whisper to me, "you tell me why we allow this to happen. You are my body, my hands, my feet." ~ The Irresistable Revolution, Shane Claibourne

I'm so sad for those that Greg has left behind. I'm so glad I knew him briefly. I wont forget about him nor the life he chose to live. Lord I'm glad he is will you, bless him so much.

Tirana new years eve

2006-12-31T16:46:00.000Z

So its new years eve... It's been an incredible year really – when I think about how different life is now from a year ago, but in all honesty I've not done any reflecting yet on the year gone by as a whole. I'm in a hotel/guesthouse room, in bed (warm and cosy there) in the dark – I've just watched “Casino Royale” on my laptop – and outside I'm seeing and hearing many fireworks go off – they are like gun shots and sparkles in the sky. I'll put the light on soon – but I quite like the atmosphere as it is. I've got music flowing through my headphones. I'm in my own world... It's funny, no one else is here at the guesthouse. I guess no one normally would be over new year! Here in Albania - everyone is with family. No one is alone. Though in Tirana - Albania's capital city - I have seen some poor people who are alone - they are in poverty, or alcoholic, or world weary. I've seen a few people like that today - and havn't known what to do for them... Anyway - I don't feel lonely here, alone in this guesthouse in Tirana's center. I know in truth I'm not alone becuase there are so many people in my life, not to mention God. It's kind of good to be a lone at times. Its good to have some away/alone time in these few days. I need them this time round. I do want that time of good reflection as I step into the year. I hope these few days ahead will have that for me.

I was at church this morning, an Internatinal church. It was a good message and I just wanted to worship God during the time of singing. Soon, I'll get ready and go to a get together this evening with foreign missionaries to celebrate new year.

I think what I care about the most at this time – is my heart of dependancy upon God. The compassion I feel within me – that I believe is from God. The desire for God to lead me in rightous ways – to be changed continually by God – day by day – to live the life that reflects Him. I want to express Gods love to the needy more than ever – and still it seems a step or two away. I have small ways of extending Gods grace and love and mercy and generosity – but they seem so small. A smile, a touch, a word, a gift, a listening heart. How I wait for the day of more expression of Gods love through my life. I long for God to make me holy. I know I love God more as the year passes, and I know I could love him so much more. Though my aspiration may be good - I'm so aware of the simple nature of "me" - the ordinary, the hopeful, the happy, the needy, the sinful, the girl, the grown up child.

I think of my friends too, and my family.
I'm hopeful for all that is ahead, and I'm ready to move forward in hope, in Gods hands and in His love, I'm ready to not look to far behind – committing the past and the future to Jesus – there is nothing more “righteous” as being dependant upon God, knowing his presence, filled with his spirit, walking in step with his desires. God is so good – he is goodness – he is all that is right. God is above all. My eyes are looking to God for this year. He is worthy of every praise and every honour, and every love.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-24T00:17:00.000Z

Merry Christmas!

Hope it's a wonderful time for you - wherever you are. Hope you will be a real joy to the people around you. Hope we remember Jesus and give special attention to him! How good our Lord is and hope we will be close to him. It's his birthday!!

I am well and enjoying the business of the time. There have been church services for kids and adults, have wrapped about a hundred gift boxes for kids, and have enjoyed being round at people houses. The weather is cold and fresh and snow seems just about in the air. My home is warm and cosy with my new heaters and little christmas tree and sented candles... and well stocked up with chocolates that came as gifts! It's been so good getting post from people and I've had a great Christmas with gifts from friends and family.

Just want to say that all is well and I wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

Prishtina, Kosova

2006-12-03T10:44:00.000Z

“lift up your eyes on high and see who has created these stars, the one who leads forth their host by number, he calls them all by name, because of the greatness of his might and the strength of his power not one of them is missing.” Isaiah 40:26

High on the Macedonian mountains, in the black of night, while everyone on the bus was sleeping I saw stars. I had never seen them as beautiful before. It was so dark, with the hint of deep blue that comes to the night skies, and the stars were clear and bright, but most spectacular where the number of them. The stars filled the whole sphere dome of the sky. From the horizon and the silhouetted mountains there was no empty space – all was filled were multitudes of stars. I couldn't take it in – I was wide awake, full of anticipation to see them all – but with the radius of my vision I could only see a small part of the sky! When the bus winded down the mountains I could lean so still and comfortable and peaceful by the window – looking up seeing a twirling, clear and bright in the dark night, panorama of the starry hosts! This was the beginning of the two day trip to Kosova.

Every border crossing on both sides (Albania, Macedonia and Kosova) all passports were checked, and Louise and I being the only foreigners we would get out into the cold to explain who we were and show our permits. We drove through the night from 6pm onwards, on a bus full of students going home for the holiday of independence in 1912. Everyone was excited and talking. We made two stops to roadside cafés. In the small hours everyone was asleep. About 5.30am we arrived in misty, cold Prishtina, bargained with a taxi driver to take us to where we were staying for 4 Euro, and went up another hill to our friends home. It's a lovely big home with heating on the floors and lots of English food – like muffins and homemade blackberry jam. I felt right at home! I really enjoyed staying at Justine's house, and hearing some of her life there. After a nap we were recommended to go to the Phoenix for a good English breakfast – its the pub where all the foreigners go – and there are a good number of foreigners in Prishtina because of the peace keeping troops and diplomats etc. Of course my mind thought of the war that Kosovars and Serbians endured just 7 years earlier. There are big UN buildings and still a military presence in Prishtina. I couldn't begin to write about that – cause I don't know enough about it.

We set off, the modern urban architecture was bizarre! It was cool to see it. Only managed to get a couple photos of buildings, it was really misty and cold. There was definitely a lifelessness and residue of the awful things of the past there in the city – and I wont even attempt to comment on that. Found some graffiti, bought a book from the book seller on the street and finally we found the Phoenix, a simple but lively pub. Everyone knows each other, a mixture of foreigners that drink beer. The football and rugby were on, I had a gorgeous steak and onion sandwich and local beer and Lou and I shared our life stories of knowing Jesus with each other which was cool. We wondered back up the misty hill in the dark of the evening having seen all we could see! And finished the day with spaghetti and a film.

After church the next morning Justine took Louise and I and a British couple staying with Justine to the Serbian quarters of Prishtina. There is an area that is Serbian and back roads to travel to that area. The language spoken is different and the houses too. It was interesting. We went to a local restaurant and had pork – which is taboo in the Albanian part of Prishtina. Really tasty meal. Then visited a 15th century Orthodox monastery. I loved seeing the city and land from the landrover and hearing about Kosova. Home for coffee then back to the bus and the 10 hours to Tirana. Again I saw the same stars on the way back, again it lifted my spirit. At about 2am we were all taken off the bus for the second search at the border – all bags taken off, some opened, but nothing found whatever was being looked for... Made friends with a little girl who made up a bed in the seat in front of me. Got back to Tirana at 3.30am ready for sleep. Nice to wonder home to Louise's house in the quiet city that normally is noisy and bustling.

The photos will tell this story better! See 'beths photos' for more.
It was a cool trip.

one thing I seek - psalm 27

2006-11-30T09:27:00.000Z

I seek many things. More often than not they are simple things. I saw "Alexander the Great" last night - and I do not seek to conquer all of Asia and India and beyond for glory or escape - but I follow hard after 'my life' and its fulfillment on lots of levels, and do find that there is something elusive in all the world holds, even in living out my 'christian life'. I suppose it natural to seek to be and do well and enjoy contentment and love and be provided for and be fulfilled. But Psalm 27 speaks of something different. It says

"One thing I have asked of the Lord and that I will seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord" and then further "When you said "seek my face" my heart said to you "Your face oh Lord I shall seek" and then the encouragement at the end "Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage, yes wait for the Lord."

In Isaiah 40:31 it says "Those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tierd, they will walk and not become weary."

I wait at times on the Lord. I do seek his face. And yet is the Lord my "one thing I seek"? But I do know and belive in my heart that life is renewed in His presence and there is joy inexpressible when Christ is all that is desired and the one pearl of great price that is worth everything else. I am glad of the grace of the Lord on this journey of finding God as King, and I am glad that Jesus Himself showed a life of friendship and adventure and deep love and wisdom.

And as I ponder these thoughts I'm looking forward to the pancakes, caffe latte and freshly squeezed oraange juice I've ordered for breakfast! Though there is a rightful place for the King that we more often than not do not give - yet still he shines the sun and gives the rain and his call is a call to the heart and he has the way to call to the heart - through his majestic bueaty and love. He truely is the one thing worth seeking.

Pancakes are here!

the walk

2006-11-28T15:01:00.000Z

Hi. My prayer letter didn't send out to people via email - so I'm putting the main part of it here on the blog. It's a story of a walk this month, not sure how that adds up as a prayer letter - its probably better off as a blog entry! Anyway - hope you are well. Next month prayer letter should work out ok! Much love!

A much needed time with the Lord was had this morning – and He spoke to my heart and life as He always does as I wait at His feet. Two nights ago I had a sleepless night and my prayers throughout that night were almost wordless, I didn't have the clear words to pray – but from the night came the simple clarity of prayer – that I would be able to hear and to know God's voice. And the quiet voice of the Lord that spoke in the morning was the words “trust me”.

As I stood looking out the window this morning – looking over the neighbourhood and little roads in between many buildings - some very old, some very new, and out to the mountains in the distance, I heard a small voice – “go for a walk, take the first road you can into the midst of this neighbourhood, go and explore.” I got ready, packed my rucksack with camera, kit-kat, phone, Bible, journal, pen, 1000 Lek (Albanian money) and a few booklets about Jesus. I wondered where this walk would lead me and I was prepared for every outcome or idea I could imagine!

I walked out of the apartment block. Lili was sitting there as always and the thought went through my mind to give her a booklet about Jesus. I figured I would do that on the way back. I stopped for a chat and told her I was off for a walk. She suggested I go the other way, as the way I planned to go was where all the mountain people lived and she didn't have too high an opinion of them and their ways! I said I would be very careful, but wanted to go see the area. I saw a little road, almost blocked with high walls, to the right and thought – “it can't be the way to go can it?” I walked on and saw a little gypsy boy. I saw him meet another young boy about his age, who wasn't a gypsy and they started to push and fight each other. I walked towards them, looked at them with a question and a concern and the boy walked away and the gypsy boy hurried on down the road. I wondered “Lord did you bring me out here on the walk for that boy?” I found the next road to the right, explored and walked down every narrow path and every one led me to a big gate or a big barking dog. I thought “Okay Lord, I'll go back to the first road.” I did, and walked down to find a big gate and a barking dog. So, then further along the other way, I walked through the markets – through all the stalls and little paths right out to the other side. After another dead end and another muddy road I found myself out on the main street beside Isa Boletini statue, in front of my house.

I turned back and thought “Go the other way and take the next road to the right.” On and on, I took every road to the right, every road was a dead end – once with a Catholic church, other times like usual – big walled gates. Now I was way down by Margaret's house. Near that neighbourhood there is a hill that we can see from Margaret's house with an antenna on it. We have felt like trekking up there for a good view and time to reflect, and I thought, “Ah maybe I'll get there today...” but nearing the road I began thinking “Oh, maybe it's all just been about me going to Margaret's house for a coffee and a prayer.” Which would have been good, but in my spirit which was now feeling futile, I was thinking “What on earth am I bothering with this faith walk for!” Then I heard within – “stay on the road, don't turn off, keep going” I sang the song – open the eyes of my heart Lord, and walked on down the road back towards my neighbourhood.

I liked the walk cause it was a wide rocky road with interesting things to look at along the way – like a speeding motorbike in the distance or an old man pulling a big sheep along with him (I did feel sorry for the sheep). At the end of the road was the turning – the right went back towards my home and the left to where the pastor and his wife and family live. I love going there for my lessons. I'd be there all the time happily, but I knew it wasn't a time to visit – so instead did not turn left or right – but went straight ahead. It was grassy – not really a road at all and it was a wide space. Buildings were being built on either side and the view ahead was of mountains and a hill with various species of trees and a catholic church and a fortress. I thought – “Wow, I'll go there!” I walked as far as I could only to meet, at the grassy verge, a big wide ditch with a river running through it. There was no way to even think about crossing, so I turned around and in the other direction view was the hill in the distance with the antenna. On either side were places I would love to go, but it wasn't for today. As I walked quite contentedly back towards the turning for the road that would take me home – I looked at some graffiti on a wall. In big letters was “KA PLLAN” in Albanian it means “HE HAS A PLAN” and I knew that at the heart of my life I had no plan, no map, no idea! But God – He knows exactly, He has the plan, He has the map, He knows it all. Its not even for me to know or to plan the big picture, but it's my honour and joy and mandate to follow and trust in Him, who knows the beginning to the end.

I was ready to go home. The walk had served its purpose. I know the gypsy kids are in my heart, I know sometimes life seems to have no clear direction, I know I love this church here, I know I am so interested in knowing Albania, I know I can try many roads before knowing the right one to take, but most importantly I know God is the only one who knows the plan of my life, and He knows the way I can and will go as I listen to Him and follow Him. I don't know the way, but I know God and I need to trust Him, I want to hear His voice and follow in the way that He leads.

As I neared the apartment block, there was Lili sitting in the sun with her cardigan on and all the little nick-naks she and her husband sell every day. We talked as usual about a good few things and then I asked her if she would like to read something about Jesus. Lili said no, she reads her own religion books – Muslim books, and she is learning from them little by little. I said to her that if the time came that she wanted to know about Jesus – I was ready to share with her. She appreciated it. And we talked more about her mother and other things. We are becoming neighbours and friends.

Please pray that I will know God's voice and know the direction to stay in or to take at the right time. Its really important for me right now. I have surrendered my life and all its plans and ambitions to God, and I do not want to run in any other direction than the one He already knows is best.

list of fours distraction

2006-11-28T08:49:00.000Z

Here is a list of fours entirely inspired by my friend Mary. A nice distraction to the days work! Let me know if you write up your own list of fours!

The List of 4s:

four jobs i have had in my life:
1. server in a delicatessen and bakery in Scotland
2. grounds crew worker at MBI in Chicago
3. missionary in Albania
4. support worker in a homeless project in England

four movies i would watch over and over:
1. out of Africa
2. last of the mohicans
3. chocolat
4. motorcycle diaries

four places i have lived:
1. Edinburgh
2. Sierra Leone
3. Chicago
4. Albania

four tv shows i love to watch:
1. 2000 acres of Skye
2. northern exposure
3. lost
4. the wonder years

four places i have been on vacation:
1. Michigan
2. France
3. Isle of Lewis
4. Nova Scotia

four of my favorite foods:
1. thai green curry
2. anything with tomato, chilli and lime
3. good cheese cake and diet coke
4. kimchee, rice, fried egg and seasame leaves!

four places i would like to be right now:
1. playing backgammon with Catherine near the fire at Bond Street, with Gareth and Anna around somewhere nearby, with nothing to do but hang out, walk in the park, cook good food, make tea and watch films!
2. with all the family at Bridge Cottage, Isle of Lewis
3. back on the Liberan coast with friends from long ago
4. on a travelling adventure with all my best friends!

four books i'd read again:
1. the singer trilogy
2. the counte of monte cristo
3. the divine conspiracy
4. anne of the island

four songs i listen to over and over:
1. danny's song - lynn anderson
2. the promise - tracy chapman
3. the vally song - jars of clay
4. run like the wind - barbra dickson (I used to love that song when I was a kid)

four things i hate:
1. the teeth moulds the dentsit used to make us wear - tasted yucky
2. being confused, not understanding or knowing whats right or wrong
3. breathing in water when swimming under the sea
4. most of all - the hurtful things of the world

four random things i love:
1. giant waves
2. lots of different types of comfort - like nice home environments - wooden furniture, fireplaces and sofas and colourful blankets and carpets with good company, films, coffee and well stocked fridge and cupboards of good food, being wrapped up cosy and warm in wooly jumpers while being outside in wild and beautiful nature, clean and fresh smelling clothes, going out for dinner in a tropical place after spending the day at the beach and having had a refreshing shower...
3. travelling in ramdom places in landrover with a camera
4. good warm open conversation and spending time together with absolute acceptance

special

2006-11-19T17:55:00.000Z

There's no doubt about it - we want to be special - somehow...
Actors and actresses, famous people, the adventurous, the inventive.
People compelled - there's no getting round the fact that they just can't give in from doing that which defines them, makes them known. I'm the same. I'm compelled. I follow hard after the things which I believe in, the things which give me a reason for living. I want to do something special with my life. But in so many regards I am not at all special. People all over the world are doing things or living lives that inspire me. What I see as most special is the life lived for God - with love and peace and joy, with faith, with humility, with no self interest, with little care that they are seen to be special or not. They already know they are so special to God, and there is nothing more wonderful for them than being all consumed with Him.

Tonight in church a lady cried out - Lord we are hungry for you, for your Holy Spirit. She prayed a prayer, she cried a prayer of hunger for God - of longing just for God. It brought me into His presence, it showed me my own hunger. Our faith and love relationship with God can build up one another.

Jesus already has seen us as special - so special that he gave everything to fill our lives with value. That was the message in church tonight, to live with optimism not pessimism, to have the outlook of God who has already given all to us. Man - so often I am brought low - in spirit, in health, in heart. It was good to hear the call to the joy of heart in the easy and the difficult times. Living today with the outlook of Christ, living today with victory - serving where we are. Living out the life of mercy and love and the goodnews today, because we are loved by the God of heavan and earth.

I do want to do something special with my life - but I don't want to need to be seen as special in the eyes of others. I want to be special to the One who has made me more special than I could dream or imagine, and this beauty bestowed on me - I'll see it in heavan. A real hunger is the hunger for God when we finaly realise that nothing else compares.

hot water bottle

2006-11-13T18:14:00.000Z

Margaret bought me a brand new hot water bottle. Its bottle green with a little aqua mixed in, and the screwtop has been fashioned out of the bottom of a light bulb! It's filled with hot water and is warming up my bed that has a new blanket on it. The lights are out - no electricity and I have about 10 candles lit up in different parts of the house. Its very homely and old fashioned!

Last night I didn't sleep - a flu has hit me like a hammer and the cold is here and I have a hundred thoughts - and out of it all - I knew I just desired to hear and know Gods voice. And the still quiet voice that has spoken to me says 'trust me' and those words will never change - for God is trustworthy always.

I am thinking of my Mum and nephews this day and night - but none the less I feel I have never been quite as blessed as I am just now because God has chosen me to live here in this northern town with the people he has chosen for my life - and it is special, and God himself is my soulmate and teacher and his grace and love are ever present. And my bed is going to be warm tonight - and I have a feeling I will lay down and sleep in peace.

my bedside table

2006-11-08T20:13:00.000Z

This is my bedside table... Candles are out because now in the super ftoft (cold!!) winter the electricity goes off a bit more often - though its been super these days. My daily light and beloved book "come away my beloved" which is just like letters from God to me, and my little Bible which is more of a treasure the older it gets. A torch, a travel clock and little stones around a small fotograph of Rebecca, Hez and Matt walking down a sandy hill on a Cornwall beach, and a little plaque of a verse that says "I will not forget you...I have held you in the palm of my hand." And finally at the shelf space is a row of journals partly and yet to be filled! I have lots of stories from Albania that are yet to be written, stories of my childhood and life yet to be written. I like writing. And I'm not doing too much of it these days... but I will some time.

All this to say though - that I have posted some new photos on "Beths Photos" they are off the castle - two beach shots and again my apartment!! I don't know what it is with that - but I'm so proud of it!! I work late into the night - recently have put down new flooring on the old concrete tiles, so I take photos in the night time too - so never any bright sunshine shots... oh well! Just, for those interested - this is how the house looks now... The castle was brilliant. No photos though yet of the people of the church or the trips to Tirana or the ways the Lord is leading and guiding and providing friends and vision for living here in Albania. I havn't yet told stories of the life of Albania - the trials that people have and are enduring. I am glad to be here and as I get to know Albania more - I hope to be a story teller of the people and the place and of Jesus!

winter

2006-11-03T12:04:00.000Z

In the distance, through my window view – over and above block buildings and the cross anointed tower, the mountains are capped with snow. It came yesterday – the icy whirling wind and fresh, fresh air. Evenings are dark and winter is now here!

the castle

2006-11-02T21:30:00.000Z

I went to the castle some days back. Was awesome. Really imagined I was in Narnia! It was fun going up to explore the castle for the first time - with two girls from England. Louise lives in Tirana, the capital of Albania and Sally her friend was visiting her for a week, they passed through Shkodra on their way to Montenegro. Some funny littles things of the visit were boys who were standing up on a bridge throwing fire crackers down at us. And - up at the top level way up the hill were two unexpected little chiwawa dogs looking down at us at the entrance of a museum. We went in to see the museum and wandered around it in the dark as they didn't have any electricity!

Some days later I went for the second time with some visiting preachers and people from the church - and for the first time I saw a real wild eagle soar up above in the sky. A really good place to see an eagle for the first time here in Albania - especially as Albania is known as the Land of the Eagles!

Joy and Johnny Cash

2006-10-26T13:29:00.000Z

I have been thinking about Joy. I remembered CS Lewis's book - "Surprised by Joy" and so that is on my list of books I want to read. I'm not searching to be surprised by joy - though I'm sure I will be as I seek out joy - but I just wonder where joy is... Joy isn't due to circumstances - but is something richer - and I know I've been lacking it. I think I have had joy in my life - even in recent days. When I feel love - I feel joy - when I feel peace - I feel joy, but I'm of the mind at the moment - that joy, like love can be, is a choice. Joy is deeper than feeling. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. I regret that when I share about my life - its as though there is something there to feel sad for me... I think that is due to a lack of joy. I want a realistic joy - not a senseless joy - but an act of the will which chooses to express positive and hopeful feelings of the present situations. I read a devotional by Amy Charmichael and she spoke about how when the burnt offerings were made - there was continual rejoicing through music - and that we too have our own offerings to bring through our lives consecrated to God - and its the nature of the giving of our offering that gives it worth in Gods eyes - and He loves a cheerful giver. Let me be a cheerful giver!! I am making no sacrafice that is too burdensome - but I have much to be thankful for - much to rejoice in - I have reason to live with joy!!

And yet there are things that hurt... While I was thinking of these things I looked out the window at the dog that was yapping and yapping. Its a lovely little black dog - full of excitement - its tied up at the corner of a house in a closed off yard - in the shade. It can't bask in the sun, and when its been raining lots like it has recently - its damp and cold. I'm sure he has a coat that keeps him warm and that he is used to the weather - but he yapped and yapped - cause he wanted some attention - some food, some company, some freedom. All the while it was wagging its excited tail. I watched it wishing I was nearer so I could throw it a treat to eat. Then I saw the lady of the house come out - but instead of giving it a scruffy pat on the head - she took out a big bottleful of water - and splash, splash, splash - three big glugs of water splashed all over the hopeful little dog. I was so sad to see that... She turned back swiftly indoors - and the dog - dejected and wet, drooped its tail and curled up silent, with a little less spirit left in it.

And then I thought about joy... and I thought about Johnny Cash and his song "Man in Black" He tells all the reasons why he wears black - and would continue to - and it was for all the hurting ones, all those who suffered injustice or deciet or all those who never knew Jesus. He said if he could he would wear a rainbow everyday - but till things changed - he'd be wearing black. And I got his sentiment - I understood, and thought - I might lack joy - but its for the things that crush the spirit. But still - this world needs joy - needs life that lifts and builds up - and I need joy too. I'm gonna choose joy and love together - and the rest of the fruit that will fill my life to the full and be joy to those around me. I believe in it - I believe in the fruits of the Holy Spirit.

Later that evening I looked out the window with my thoughts and for the fresh air - and I saw a young man sitting on the steps - he had a joyful little black dog playing tenderly with him. He was there spending time with the dog - loving it, and the little dog was loving it too! There is hope - and its these elements of love, joy, peace and all the rest that make a change to the things in life which would want to take away joy. So here's to Joy.

nje histori e bukur

2006-10-22T18:46:00.000Z

The sermon tonight at church was great. I always come away feeling that way from the small fellowship of Albanian believers that I am privileged to be amongst. So the text was -

“And Jesus said to his disciples (those he was teaching to have a sincere faith in him) For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat, nor for your body, as to what you will put on” Luke 12:22

Much was said that I could not explain in such as natural manner as did the preacher – but in the middle of it all he said he had to tell “nje histori e bukur.” A beautiful story. And this is the story...

There was a father who loved his daughter so much, and there was a handsome confident lad who wanted to marry the daughter. So the father said – well, since you have such love and want to marry my daughter – will you go through a test for her hand in marriage. “Of course I will” he replied with determination. So the father led him to an empty room, and said “For as long as I decide will you stay in here with no food – only water? Will you do this to prove your love for my daughter?” “Yes sir! I shall do that” the confident young man declared. So the young man was locked in the empty room, and a whole week passed and the father went to the empty room and unlocked it. He opened the door and directly said – “What do you want – a bowl of soup or my daughter?” Here is the scene one minute beforehand. The young man had endured the week – he was aching – his stomach rumbling, he was very, very hungry – he was watching, waiting for the door to open, and then the door opened and he heard the words “What do you want – a bowl of soup... daughter?” “Soup! Soup!” he cried! And the father brought him soup, but did not let him marry his daughter. :)

It is a beautiful story!

Will we be ones who trust the Lord with our needs – or will our needs be so desperate that we would forsake our true love to fulfil them? God knows our needs. Will we trust him to fulfill his promises to meet them?

“The steps of a man are established by the Lord and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds his hand. I have been young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread.” Psalm 37:23-25

There is no doubt that this requires faith to believe, and faith is what God requires. Another psalm says God searches the earth looking for those to be strong for. Will we let God be strong for us? He knows if we are locked up in an empty room - hungry and in need. It challenged me....

Jars of Clay

2006-10-22T12:39:00.000Z

Jars of Clay - "Good Monsters" is their new album. It's really, really good. Ties together a lot of questions about life and people and God. It doesn't hide from the difficult things.

"we are beautiful when we sleep
hearts of gold and eyes so deep
but love wont cure the chaos
and hope wont hide the loss
and peace is not the heroine that shouts above the cause
and love is wild for reasons
and hope though short in sight
might be the only thing that wakes you up by surprise."

difficult rainy sunday

2006-10-22T09:41:00.000Z

It's a difficult day today. It's raining and theres lots of traffic outside. I have thoughts and questions and dissapointments and no way to express them to others - except writing now. And out of the window came a lovely cooking smell - just like at my Aunt Janets house on a sunday! I wish I wasn't on my own. I know I've felt like this before - and I know God reaches into my heart and tells me of his love and his purposes - and I know to look up and believe and carry on.

Lord Jesus hold our hearts and strengthen us where we are weak, that we might sing with joy and know the fullness of all you have given to us. You are Lord and you are wonderful and you have work for us to do, help us to do what you want us to do.

Hi Noah and Jacob!!

2006-10-20T10:15:00.000Z

Beth's Timetable

2006-10-20T10:07:00.000Z

If anyone prays for me - pray I have the discipline to stick to this and learn as much as I can. Study and set times etc is not at all my strong point! Full of good intentions - to see them realised is by far another matter! God bless you in all you are doing too!

love

2006-10-19T19:01:00.000Z

I love my family. I love my friends and if I could I'd be with them forever! I'm glad I'm in tune with the desires of Jesus - cause He wants to be forever with his family and friends too! In Jesus we're gonna share that eternal love and eternal life. Praise the Lord!

What I really want to say though is that it broke my heart somewhat to leave or be far from those I love, and I've known that feeling many times, and I knew it coming to Albania three months ago. And when that happens I loose a certain faith that the love within me will be expressed or fulfilled, but Jesus knows what he is doing with my life - and he fulfills the creation of me. I'm with a small group of Christians here that inspire me incredibly. Though its just been a small ammount of time that I have been with them - I have the deepest of repect for them and am in wonder at how deep the Fathers love for me can be that he would choose to place me here. I just want to be with them, learn from them. I've come to see that what I love so much in people - is seeing God character in them, seeing God expressed. The spirits of these people are beautiful - and I know they are alive in the spirit of the living God. Love enfuses me - I am so grateful for it. I know this love within me is a God thing - cause I never see that I can have anymore than what I already feel - and then I find myself surprised - cause it flows deeply once again! Somehow there is always room to love more. I think its an eternal fountain, it wells up to eternal life - from the source of Living Water that is there for all to drink freely from. Can there be such an amazing thing? I am in wonder.

2006-10-19T08:03:00.000Z

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits and in his word do I hope."
Psalm 130.5

challenged to be changed

2006-10-18T19:59:00.000Z

I've been challenged by different people recently, people searching for the validity of Christ in thier lives and in the world - and just by the situation of the world which has always challenged me. I've by challenged too by teaching of godly people. I talk a little about these challenges in this post - but overall - I want to say there's only one who has the greatest worth of challenge - and that's Jesus. In comparison to his challenge, nothing else matters - at the end of the day. I know it's a debate in the Christian world - on how to be acceptable to people that we love, and how can we hold up Christ as Saviour sensitively to the needs of the hearers of the gospel. Jesus disciples testified to Jesus Christ - even to their deaths. I don't presume I have that kind of faith or committment - but I think we can talk around and around on some matters - and there just is no way round the truth of Jesus - no matter how unacceptable that might sound to so many people. It's strange even to make a statement like that, I'm sure it must sound almost childish at the level of debate, but with that truth I think we should be committed on a far richer level to bringing gospel or expressing Gods glory to people with so much love and creativity and truth from the Bible - that lives just get turned around because Jesus is lifted up. Different people are gifted in different ways to do that. But it will always rock the boat. Not all are going to like it. It may sound simplistic - but its truth - cause Jesus said it. John 17.

I heard some teaching recently that said that "faithfulness" is not a commitment to the old ways, a continuation of doing the same thing - but it is venturing to something new - and using all you've got to do so. God called his people to do things that had never been done before - Noah to build and ark, Moses to set the people free and walk them through the parted Red Sea. These were considered faithful.

Jesus connected himself to John the Baptist when he begun his ministry on earth. John was no way like other "godly people" people who thought they were alright when it came to God and right living, Jesus wanted to identify with the one proclaiming - things need to be different! We need to turn from our ways and look to God to be changed! I need to be changed!! Continually. And I want to step into the new things that God would have me do. If I'm totally His - then He can use me in this earth for what He knows I can be a part of. Anyway - I'm not sure how this all fits for me. I know that the Bible is crucial and that relationship with Jesus is crucial. I know I've not yet arrived, and I wont till heavan - but I hope I'm committed to walking in the way of Jesus.

I think people who are disillusioned with the church are disillusioned because they see so much need of change in what is happening in the world and in relationships. Its a hunger for liberty and love and justice and mercy and love. Yeah I want to be challenged - just like Jesus challenged everyone he met. I want to turn from the things that are just not right in my life when I am before Jesus who is truth, but I want to be changed so that it is no longer about me... I want to be like Jesus - who loved people and was entirely in step with the will of God, and made a difference in a way no one would have guessed, no one would have chosen. He went to the cross. Who would of imagined such a thing? Not even his closest friends the disciples. Only God in His highest of ways.

Help us Lord to know how to reflect you and not push people away from truth and redemption - but instead shine for Jesus, really shine - unselfishly, and full of life and truth and in freedom. And give us a vision that is off you and the perspective you have of the desperation of this world. Reveal a reality of life that we can live out where we are. Change us Jesus.

I have some friends who have been reading books like Rob Bell's "Velvet Elvis", Shane Claibornes "Irresistable Revolution", "Blue Like Jazz" I think I'm ready to dip into these books and attitudes. Maybe I'll read there things that I understand already - maybe I'll be challenged further - I hope so - but being challenged kind of rocks somethings that havn't been rocked before. I know I need challenging in ways that are probably unexpected and even that need an element of the rebel to whats been generally acceptable by Christians - and whats been generally acceptable to myself. Who knows but I hope to keep on finding that truth that sets free, cause what's the point otherwise!

I'm being challenged here in Albania by Christians who are living a faith in ways I've never seen before - they're sold out and they're not ashamed of the gospel of truth found in the word of God - at the same time they are committed to love and unity - because naturally - saoked in the word of God and in the example of Christ - there is no avoiding the "greater love that no man has - but that he would lay down his life for his friends." And we are his friends if we do what he commands. He's commanded us to love God with all our heart, mind and soul and love our neighbour as we love ourselves. We could praobably do with loving them even more than that. I think the key thing in it all though - is never miss out on the most important relationship of all - with Jesus - the one who shows us the way - the one who is the way.

3 month transition

2006-10-16T11:25:00.000Z

I've done it! I'm through! I made it through transit! That's what it feels like. If I was swimming I could say I've swum the English Channel or something...! I feel I'm in my place now. It's been three months since I have come to Albania (well in two days time at least). I've been given a real sense of focus and purpose - last night I stayed up late and set myself up for an intensive 6 months of language and reading program - books of Albania and its history and of children at risk and also 3 language programs. I'm excited to do it and feel a liberty to invest this time this way. I have an apartment where I feel at home and the beginnings of many friendships and aqquaintances.

Was fun - I just came home from meeting to pray with Judith and Margaret, did my shopping on the way home. Monday mornings are for shopping and laundry for the week - and I decided to get a special sandwich at the super market - they're incredible - a toasted pannini with ham, cheese, cucumber, tomatoe, olives, natural yogurt, mayo, ketchup and a few chips!! I decided to give up diet coke and little extras like chocolate :( just to be healthier - but thought a nice tradition for my monday weekly shop would be a supermarket sandwich and a diet coke! Nice simple things of life! Nice to be building up a routine. When I made it back to my pallati (apartment) after the normal greetings to the lady at the bottom of the pallati and to Lorenc and Vera in their little shop, I tied up my bike and was unloading the two crates of water I have to buy (don't want kindney stones with all the lime in the water) and the young girl from the ground floor and her friend were there - they so excitedly asked if I needed help - so I said yes and they trooped up the strairs with the water. I said they were very good girls and they ran down the stairs smiling widely!

I'll go now to my language lesson in a house down the road, then go to a Bible study at the church, and come home in the evening after a busy day! I've made it! I'm through the transition stage. For now - I'm home!

the best of all things

2006-10-14T11:31:00.000Z

Here is the best of everything on this earth and in heavan. God - of all the universe, finds me delightful. Isn't that amazing? He thinks you are delightful too. That's His kind of love. Even when we are far from delightful - He loves us the same - and He sent His Son - Jesus to die on the cross and rise again to life - so He could take delight in us - those set free from all our sin - through the shed blood of Jesus on the cross. We are free to be loved! Free to be delighted in by God - and to find all delight in Him, for it is He who is truely delightful.

"The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."
~Zephaniah 3:17

trust

2006-10-13T13:11:00.000Z

I'm so glad I can admire what a family can be, and that I have a desire for friendship and creativity and the pure things of life - like nature and art, music, adventure, good times. I hope I'm going keep on knowing all these things - and knowing them better, I'm sure I could lighten up and have a bit more fun! Yet sometimes - I can see a dream of these things -something I could long for - or pray for or hope for, and in reality - its like wishing my life was different. I think the courageous thing is to live the creative and loving life in the surroundings that you find yourself in. For me its here - and that's because I believe God called me here - which must seem strange to many people. God might one day say - "well Beth - its time - I'd like you to fall in love and have a beautiful family". Then that will be a good and perfect time. But for now God has said - "well Beth I want you to go to Albania - and do the things that I have asked you to do". I woke up this morning more able to walk in that - because I realised that God knows the reasons he has asked me to be here - and because he knows the future I can trust him with what he asks, and not only that but his desire, his will for my life - is by far the best - because he knows why he is asking me to do these thing - now, in this specific timeframe. It may not be forever - but its what is needed for the time being, and in someways if not in all ways - only God knows why. So I'm going to trust in him, and ask him what he wants and how to do it. Everything else is in his hands - I hope he doesn't take away the good desires I have which he has no doubt given me - and the longings and hopes and dreams - I hope he fulfills them - but instead of being caught up in them - I want to be fulfilled and joyful and complete doing what he has asked me to do. God will take care of the rest. As long as it is Jesus who has asked - I can find all I need - to do anything he sets before me. Jesus said the same thing - "my food is to do the will of my father." Gods doesn't ask of us without reason.

walk the line

2006-10-12T19:58:00.000Z

Walk the Line - the story of Johnny Cash is one of my favorite films. It holds me some how - holds my attention - because there's such a reality to it. Or a reality that I can feel. It's hard to explain - I feel it in my stomach. He knows hurt and pain, he longs for love and to be of worth - but they are not articulated longings. It's like a true and unavoidable thing. I don't know why that speaks to my heart - but it does - I suppose his story has life - because he knows love. He feels it deeply - believes in it - lives by it and is lost and damaged without it. Though he chases love, in the end it finds him - even though he abandons his own life. I really like the love he and June Carter find. It's funny me thinking about Johnny Cash and watching "walk the line" out here in Albania. I'm not sure how it relates to me - and in some ways makes me lonesome. In other ways - makes me glad to be me, and I hope I'm loved, really truely loved.

photos and shades of pink :)

2006-10-12T16:27:00.000Z

Hi! Just to say I have uploaded more photos on "Beth's Photos" - ones of the missionary retreat I went to in September, views around Shkodra - and my own home sweet home! This is one I never included, but I quite like it. My friend Maggie from church sent me the chinese paper lampshade - as all the light shades here are thick porcelain! When I went to fit it I realised the light fittings were ancient - so bought new ones and had to cut off the old rusty ones - praying I wouldn't be electrocuted! I fixed new ones on. I was quite proud of that! Never knew how to do it before and figured it out along the way! And - its funny - that the sitting room is now pink - painted by my own hands! I've never seen myself as very "girly", but I really like it - I'm finding it nice to look at!

Calvary Road

2006-10-08T18:31:00.000Z

I wish I could express what is in my life, my spirit, my being. I'm slowly stepping onto battle grounds. Can one go slowly onto a battle ground? I can slowly climb the mountains or terrain that lead to battle - but on the edge, a step or two from the fighting there is awaiting - a clash of swords to be outplayed and the stepping upon the battle field has a different step. It is determined and without fear - or if there is fear, its a healthy and enabeling fear transformed into the names of courage, trust and faith. And the vision is not of the weakness or feebleness of self and the terror of giants - but the vision is of possibility, promises and God - the One who has given the assurance and full resources of victory in Himself. It is as though I am stepping toward the battlefield - and it looks likes its just a foot away from me, it blows in the wind of the air. And I still wonder about my feet - if they are steady - but I am understanding that I need not look downward but upward - with a smile and with a hope.

In reality terms I think life may get busier, more complicated, spiritual times in the Lord will be sweetened by deep joy and love and forgiveness and strength, no doubt there are more times of feeling alone, there may be wounds from friend or foe, times of not knowing or seeing the way forward, times of having clear vision, there will be times of winning, laughing and great friendship and togetherness with others. Gods people are not always soldiers - sometimes they are children, they sit at banqueting tables, they are sheep in pastures green, by the rivers of life - they are always following or in the sight and care of their good, good shepherd. If I am in the truth, if I am with God, - I do have some battlegrounds around and ahead of me, not only within my heart and with my sin - but also in this world, in relationship with and in the midst of the people of it.

I feel like God has been challenging me recently - do you have courage in your heart? Do you trust me? Do you trust my comandments? Will you choose to sit aside or will you fight with me? Will you really obey me and believe what I have told you? I love you my child, and you are my chosen vessel - you are my Susan or Lucy of Narnia - but you could make some big or small mistakes - so please listen to me and put into practice all I have taught you so far. Personally I feel taken from a known world to another. I feel placed in an adventure that is unusual, has battlegrounds and journeys, friends and foes. There is a way to be taken, a reason for being and a destination that is out of sight, unclear but none the less there to be found. I wish I could express what is in my life, my spirit, my being... but what I think it is - is the christian walk of the way of Calvary Road. And I am sure of one thing that none of it is worth a thing - without honesty and real love. This road or my life upon it is in the hands of the faithful source of life, and truth and love - God, who is so near - who listens and speaks - but who leaves the steps I or we can take - to be our own - we can walk where we want. Here I stand a step away from a battleground - and I could turn aside in one way or another and that is what I sometimes do - but if I listen close and hear my Masters voice - I'll know how to go that one next step forward. I need the lead and the indwelling life of the One who has already walked the Calvary Road.

albanian evening skies

2006-09-28T18:35:00.000Z

additional (and sidetracked) thoughts!

2006-09-28T10:38:00.000Z

I've been thinking... it's easy to say this or that about a culture and a people like said in the blog below- but goodness me - I know so little and only have a tiny tip of the iceberg idea of how things are. Just wanted to say that. Also - I need to add something else I have noticed about the Albanian people - they have such a humanity and want to help in anyway possible when approached. If they can't help they will search out someone who can. It's almost like a deep set ideology - because it's the natural response of almost everyone.

I love looking out at people here from the Landrover, because then I can look freely - the people live in humble and interesting surroundings - there is plenty plenty life to the way they are - and little privacy. (One example of little privacy is that buildings are close together. When I looked out at the apartments, bricks, stalls all interacted with each other, from my bathroom window this morning when it was still dark and there was a flickering light post - it all looked like a set from the "West Side Story"! Expected music and dance and gangs at any moment!) There are always many people out and about. Buses are packed like sardine tins. Outside there is lots of noise and voices and car horns tooting! People walking or zipping in and out on mopeds, bikes, cars, tractors, three wheels little trucks, donkey or horse and cart. I love getting out on my bike and facing the adventerous roads - gives me a sense of life, freedom and danger!! I really like it! I have to keep my eyes on the road ahead, and the side and behind cause any form of transport will come out from any angle at anytime! I keep my eyes on the road at the same time to meander around the pot holes and puddles and rocks! Sometimes its more like riding over the tops of the ocean waves!

And my other final thought to what I wrote yesterday is that though there are problems with the way women can be treated here - there are bound to be loving relationships between men and women - the men are husbands, fathers, gradfathers, uncles, brothers, friends. I don't understand all the ways - but there must be love and goodness in the culture of life here, even though women are made to work very very hard, men work hard too. When I was looking out this morning on a journey down from Shkodra to Tirana, I saw all the men - driving cars, working on building sights, in shops, cafes, walking out and about, smoking (so many smoke) calling out, meeting one another... I kept thinking different songs - like "this is a mans world, but it would be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl..." and the Johnny Cash song "Six foot six, he stood on the ground - weighed two hundered and forty five pounds - but I saw that giant of a man brought down - by a thing called love!" I'm still looking forward to knowing this place well and its people, that's my prayer - I don't want people here to be a mystery to me - only looked at through car and house windows. I want to be in the midst of the life I see - even though I'm a girl. And how good it will be to get to know the lives of the women and girls of this country. Wow - there is so much to learn. I know it's gonna change my life.

setting my face like flint

2006-09-26T09:45:00.000Z

Every so often I get a slight surge of learning and finding myself really "here", adapting ever so slightly. It's not that I am distant wishing myself to be away from Albania - it's more that I am a stranger to this people and this land and its culture, identity and "being". The great thing is that I have a desire (sometimes stronger sometimes weaker) to understand, to know, to allow into my heart Albanians, Albania and its life, losses needs and strengths.

I've come to understand better the fear of me being out alone as the sun begins to set, and why and older lady in church would say - "don't speak to your neighbours". I just couldn't get it - what is up with people - will they attack me, will they be decietful to me? Why do people speak about their own people this way - are they not one of whom they speak? Will I ever be able to be "me" here? I met with another loving and wise woman from the church and she tried to explain things to me. I'm not sure that she told me any thing new - but somehow Gods Spirit gave me a flash of intuition or something registered in me, and I saw how I could adapt and begin to express myself in relation to these "rules"

It's about public opinion. There is such a strong sense of people needing to appear right in the sight of others. And this for may reasons... When it comes to girls they need to be so chaste. If there is a hint that a girl is seen with a boy or man alone - even out in a busy public place, then there is the insinuation that talks are being had and an engagement is being arranged. This girl would lose her chances of marriage with anyone else. Marriage is extremely important, and it is the desire of every family and even the neccessity that the daughters be married. If they reach the age of 23 without being married - then there is a lot of shame really and the girl is pitied. It's very difficult for Christian girls as there are not many young Christian men, so they end up marrying Muslims or unbelievers - through the demands of their families. It is unheard of for a single girl to live alone. I have alot to prove in regard to my reputation. Here in Albania - there is a great call to be respectable. (which is why it is so confusing with the western way of life pouring in to Albania - such strong deep traditions and consience with an exploding revolution of morals and thirst, hunger and greed for material bettering and gain)

I could go on and write a lot more - but I better not. But I have found that I need to be respectable by Albanian standards to be respected - and that will take a good year or two to prove. I am being watched constantly, I have been told. I need to be serious and show that I have purpose - I am not here to play around and be frivilous, so therefore I greet my neighbours and interact respectfully with them, but I don't extend my own conversations, smiles, laughing and extra's. I go out on my bike and no meandering here and there - I don't make myself look out of place. Women here don't go to cafes alone, and there are only certain cafes a woman can go. Women don't do anything out in public except walk with sisters, mothers, aunts or male family members, buy the shopping and return home. A woman should never be out alone after the sun sets. I think women have few rights here - though they are not always under the heavy hand of the patriarch as once all were, they still have far less rights or value or freedoms. I don't talk to men at all - though I can extend a greeting like good morning to those who I see often - like my neighbours. I can respond - but very sensibly and courteously. So no great smiles and hand waves and conversations with the people out on the streets. I love to smile and say hello to people! But this "setting my face like flint" is really good for me here. It's good to be direct and sure and be done away with what I have known as just being friendly. In this context it is good. And I will abide with what is right here. I can be respectable to others, and I can show that I am respectable, and to be respected too. And when the time comes for people to trust and really connect genuinely - they can come to see that I am warm hearted with Gods love! And I do still smile, when I can... and I make it as warm as I can.

I want to understand much deeper - who and why the Albanians are.

It was funny last night. I left my bycicle locked up at the bottom of the pallati (apartment block) and I forgot it. My neighbours on the fifth floor had packed up there little market stall where they sit each day and they - husband and wife made their way home. I really like this couple - I greet them each day and have had very small conversations. They are Muslim. Well the wife knocked on my door - it was unusual as it was dark and getting late. She quickly said - "Quick - go down and get your bike. Quick! Quick!" She did me a good favor. She told me off a little - but she did from a point of my interest. I felt that I could trust her a bit more because of that, and I felt a little Albanian too! Getting a telling off from an elder!

I'm going to find my place in Albania - unique land of the eagles.

its raining its pouring!

2006-09-19T14:20:00.000Z

The rains are coming! It's been amazing listening to the rains pour down for hours each night over the last few nights. The thunder crashes and the neon lighting lights up the skies showing the prominent Albanian mountains. Last night the streets were flooded. I went out on the balcony to see the storm - couldn't believe how much water was swirling around, but this morning there was only puddles left in the potholes!

stirrings and small steps

2006-09-18T12:31:00.000Z

There is a stirring within me, to look outward here in Shkodra. That is such a good stirring to have! But its strange when it seems so limited. I have so much to learn - language and cultural things about Albania - but I want to make small steps at being like Jesus. All I can do is have little conversations. I want to invite some friends I have made at church round to dinner - but I can't cook Albanian style yet, I don't know the hospitality rules, don't know if I would eat late at 9pm or 10pm with people if they come round to dinner, I can't even speak the same language! It kind of puts me off! But there's a stirring in me! The idea of having people round is working and I hope I just do it some time. I stand and pray or sing looking out of my window sometimes - I feel like Daniel in Babylon! But its good to have these Old Testament feelings - that I am a Chrisitian in a city that is far from God and I can be here to stand up for the things of God - to persevere, to shine, to pray and seek God on behalf of the people, and that can start with a simple visit to a neighbours house or stopping to talk with the lady who sits at the foot of the apartment everyday selling goods. I want to be stirred - in simple small ways. It's the whole point of being here. I am a bit impatient with myself - so I need God to stir within me his gentle will each day. I want great things - but my friend once quoted Mother Teresa to me - "we can't all do great things but we can do small things with great love". Oh to have that great love. How glad I am that I can spend time with the Greatest of all Love, and He can show me how.

Painting in Albania!

2006-09-16T12:06:00.000Z

Here are some amusing photos of me painting my room! It's funny getting used to taking pictures of myself! I spent two late nights painting away. I had to get a certain paint for white washed walls and mix in a small pot of colour and two liters of water. All I had to mix with was an old metal soup ladle that I found and I mixed it all in a bucket and used a plastic tub to put paint in to roll the roller onto and a little jug to ladle paint into to use my paintbrush with. When I went to buy the paint the man in the shop who remained unmarried even though he was well into his thirties, was so impressed that I was doing all the paint work without a husband that he wanted to get engaged! I said no thanks with a smile and rode off on my bycicle! I liked painting my room as a project - listening to music and getting a job completed. I was given a set of curtains - so I got the yellow to match - it looked like it was going on a yucky kind of colour - but turned out to be a nice yellow.

lime trees and lemon lights

2006-09-06T15:11:00.000Z

I was suprised to see lime trees in Albania. It turns out that they are a rare but seen thing! I remeber lime trees in the back yard of our Sierra Leonean, West African home years ago. I love limes, so when I saw them in Albania my prayer was - "oh Lord let me live in a home that has lime trees in its yard!" After the first visit to Shkodra to find a house I was extrememly despondant - never imagined finding anywhere that would come close to being livable - the communist era apartments where way too out of my world for me to cope with. I never expected such emotions - me raised on the mission field - me ready to go to the poorest of the poor! The second trip to Shkodra was on my birthday - and if possible - it was a worse experience than the first!

But - the first house we saw was lovely... It was old - artistic, no doubt falling down, but full of character and had a wonderful garden - roses, little ponds and walls, iron cast table and chairs, abundance of grapes and fig trees and an orchard of lime trees! Joy filled my heart - could God be granting me a dream come true? It was never in question whether or not I would live there - Judith who was certainly my senior and the one who could care for such a garden, and who needed two rooms, not just one - the whole question was - would she have this house? I prayed - "Lord if its not for Judith - then let it be for me!" And kept it close to my heart for the day.

We searched on - and had a nice stop at a traditional restraunt for my birthday meal - though I found myself at the verge of tears every moment! Eventually at the end of a long day we came to an apartment that was thought to be ideal for me. It was fine - but it wasn't nice - it had Muslim things up on the wall, old cigarette ends lying around and it was enclosed with a big iron door - I felt locked away and awful. Everyone was saying - "oh you must decide - is it for you?" and the owner was pressing me for an answer. I had no idea, Judith still hadn't decided on the dream home and I had lessons to learn in standing up for myself. I said okay - "I'll take it - just lets get out of here!" I thought - there will never be a place I want to call home - so this is it - I will make do. That night however I was far from at peace and I talked to my parents on the phone who insited I make the choice I wanted for myself. I talked and prayed with Judith and Sonya - whose house I was staying over at. They pressed me to be wise - not to back out of an arrangement, to realise it was close to the church, but I could not bear the thought of living there. As I prayed and fell asleep I asked God for his choice and abundant wisdom and courage to stand up for what I needed. Then drifting off to sleep I remembered the other apartment I had seen...

It was in the communist apartment block that surrounded the statue of Isa Bolentini. It was a mess, but it was simple and it was out in the open - central to the city and authentic - had an old belfast sink in the kitchen and when I had sat out on the balcony to breathe in the feel of the place there was a string of lemon lights that light up at night time, and I laughed with God - "is this the closest to lime trees that I'm going to get?" I watched all the people and traffic and thought - yeah - maybe... but like always nothing seemed good to me and my unsettled heart. The next morning all I wanted to do was go to the Isa Bolentini apartment! I shared my decision, faced the consequences and all was approved and encouraged and put into place. Isa Bolentini house was not the lovely grand garden home which would have been a haven hideaway - but it was an apartment in the midst of the life and problems and noise and dust - but it was a place I could call and make home - and it was my choice and my commitment - and I believe Gods placing of me in this town. By God's enablingI stood up for myself and claimed my lemon lights home!

2006-08-28T10:53:00.000Z

This is Snoopy. I saw him up there in the sky a few weeks ago in Tirana, the captial of Albania!

an open road

2006-08-28T10:17:00.000Z

I've been here for a month or even more now. I have settled into my apartment in the northern city of Shkodra. It was old and dirty and broken - but I'm getting to know it well and I like it - it's home. When the fuse blows I know to run down to one floor below where there is a metal box that I can pry open with my key and flip the fuse. I know that after I flush the toilet, I let it fill up and then lift the top and rearrange the mechanisms so it doesn't keep over flowing! I know to unplug the water heater when I have a shower so there isn't electric current charging round the bathroom!

But I'm glad that all those sort of things aren't mattering so much anymore... I want to have a house that people will enjoy coming to - where kids will have games to play or crafts to make. I need some creative ideas! I've been out for hot chocolate with a friend from church - I'm settling in with local believers at a church that is alive and full of love and servant hearts. It's like I'm ready to start living creatively in this town.

God has good plans for those who are open to His purposes. God has kind intentions to people of this world, to people in this neighbourhood and I'm so fortunate to find myself landed in small community of believers who feel the same. They want to live for others - live beyond their own small worlds. They have been an example I have needed to see. I am settling in and God is beginning to give me his joy and strength here - I'm beginning to forget myself!

life is beautiful, life is curious

2006-08-18T13:28:00.000Z

I was in the village the other day - down in Sheqeras in the south. I know it's poor and problematic in so many ways - but I like it so much, and it really is beeutiful. Life is like I imagined it to be back in my granny and grandpa's time on the Isle of Lewis, north western Scotland. There are carts and horses, always children and men and women walking up and down the dirt roads in and out of their own and their neighbours houses. I stayed with an Albanian girl and her mother at their house over night and had to go and fetch milk from the neighbours house before dinner. I walked along their coulorful flower lined path that led up to a sweet farm house. In the outhouse barn a lady was milking the cow, there was a little puppy chasing chickens in a chicken coupe that was outside in the yard alongside the haystacks. The young daughter in law invited me in the house and showed me her new clothes from Italy that her uncle sent over. They were all old friends. And afterwards we meanderd home. I thought to myself that this picture of life really is beautiful.

We travelled back the high mountain roads to Tirana. We got into a very small foogon that was heavy laden with a big barrel and all sorts of other curious contraptions. So Margaret and I squeezed in to the front with the driver and we whirled along - the driver told us he could get to Tirana in 3 hours and Margaret said - oh take your time we are in no hurry. It wasn't long before we stopped for coffee and the driver began filling up big bottles of water and putting them under the car. We carried on - and half an hour later stopped again - this time the whole front seat was lifted and the water poured out over the mottor below our seats. Turned out that the motor needed cooling down every 30 minutes and the car could go no higher than 50 kilometers and hour. We chugged up the high hills with heat and steam rising beside our seats! One stop I decided to look under our seats and saw a motor steaming hot with pipes and clothes and a big sponge on top of it and the water flowing on to the motor from the hose pipe the driver was splashing around! Along the way when it was really struggling the driver shouted "Janie, Janie!" to his wife and she took out this contraption and hosed in water to the engine while we were driving! Gosh - life really is curious! Took us 7 hours to get to Tirana but we enjoyed all the stops along the way - talked to the kids selling hazelnuts up on the top of the hills, enjoyed the fish swimming around in tanks at the foot of natural springs, we sat and looked out on a lake, ate at a cafe stop, almost burst out laughing so many times seeing the driver make a pile of metal and bolts work to its maximum. He worked hard! Once the junk pile wouldn't even start - so we rolled backwards down the hill as he hot-wired his own car! Little did we know what we were getting into at the road at the end of Sheqeras. Life is curious. There was a man in the back with Janie - and his young son. It turned out that he was visiting his wife who has a tumor. She is in the hospital in Tirana - awaiting an operation that they had no means of paying for. Margaret handed him the money as he jumped out the car, saying all the goodbye greetings. Margaret doesn't give out money like that - but no doubt God prompted it. Life is curious and good. Praise God for his care in everything.

foogons, apartments and internet cafe's

2006-08-10T13:46:00.000Z

My friend Catherine emailed the other day asking for more news of what life is like out here for me - she said it all seemed to be jumping on foogons (the minibuses that take you anywhere you want to go!) looking for apartments in the hot sun and being in the internet cafe's! That's quite funny and not too far off the truth! It's early days yet. I've been doing some reading about Albania - practicing my language everyday with people I meet - and there are always people here - its a bustling place, people are out and about - children, adults, old people altogether, walking, talking, going about their businesses. I've made friends with a family down the road from me - Maria and her four children. They love Jesus and talk about him all the time. I went round to theirs for lunch last sunday after church and they laughed at me because I didn't know when the right time to go or stay was - so ended up wandering in and out of the house while they did their work - like washing the floor or hanging up the laundry. I asked them - "oh, is it time for you to sleep?" Thinking I could find out when they wanted to have their rest, and then I would leave - and they laughed saying "do you want to sleep!" and began making a bed for me to sleep in! I decided I would wish them well and go home. They were lovely! I have made friends with Vera and her two children, today I went to tell them I am going to move to Shkodra. I sat out with them on their veranda and drank turkish coffee with them while it rained and rained outside. It was really nice. I think we will stay friends and I can phone and see how they are all doing. I gave Vera a little card with the verse Isaiah 41:10. She seemed to treasure it. So all in all - life is made rich by the beginnings of relationships here and otherwise looking for apartments - going in and out of Tirana on foogons and getting to internet cafes to set up a good way of keeping in touch with people back home. I just sent out my first prayer letter - and realised the font is different on different computers - so it won't come out all nice and in place as the original - but a bit all over the place! Oh well - as the Muslims say - "only allah is perfect!"

In Albania to Stay

2006-07-29T16:42:00.000Z

I'm sitting in the Stephen Centre - a foreign, christian cafe/restraunt in Tirana. It's air conditioned, has the flags of the world hanging up between the walls, it even has a framed art deco photo that used to be in my old Birmingham home. I've got my traditional diet coke with ice, a notebook and pen and a million thoughts.

I just met a poor gypsy family; snotty nosed kids just wearing underpants and tatty tee-shirts, a father and mother pushing a plastic pushchair for their little one and all pleading with their eyes for nje cind lek - about 2pence. 'Me fal, me fal' I say as I walk past 'forgive me, forgive me' and when I look back to say goodbye the mother let go of my arm and looked back with a wide and sparkling smile. Some people here are very poor, not all, but some. I'm not going to start speaking about Albanian culture because over the years I've come nowhere close to earning that right - but there is undoubtedly poverty here - not accross the board - but it is alive and kicking in Albania.

After Anna and Catherine left (see "Firefly Week" below) I began my second week in Albania. It was heartaching to see them go and I realised how I missed my family, other friends and life 'back home'. The reality of being in a foreign country and culture had been slowly dawning on me while Anna and Catherine were with me, but the day they left it fell upon me like a ton of bricks.

The day they left - early in the morning, I hugged them goodbye outside the airport at 3.20am before jumping back in the taxi that would take me down the bumpy Bathore Road to Margarets house. I slept for 3 hours before Margaret, Judith and I began to prepare for travelling up north in the Landrover to Shkodra to look for houses to live in.

We will go up as a small team to set up a nesting base for WEC and its new workers (me being one of them) Margaret, a Scottish lady who has been a WEC missionary in Albania for 13 years will coordinate this new phase for WEC Albania and Judith a Singaporean lady who has been a WEC missionary in Albania for 8 years will work alongside Margaret while further developing her Albanian language. I will have the main focus of intensive language learning for my first year. The team's vision is to see Albania and Albanians affected by Christ and His character - seeing the light and life of Jesus reach into Albania and made alive.

My hearts vision is the same - but at the forefront is a concern for children at risk. All that we do will have these things in mind and I will work hard at learning the language and trust God with all He will open up before me in the year to come. I believe He will open up fruitful relationships aswell as opening my heart and mind to the reality of the country and people of Albania. I want to see the best that I can in Albania but I know I will see the difficult and the wrong too, and I want to - but in an informed and compassionate way. I have much to trust God for - and it's the reason I am here.

So... we arrived in Shkodra. It was hot, lots of apartment blocks, some old parts of the town with worn out beautiful buildings, old style stores still in use - book shops and bakeries. In the more modern part - small food shops and cafes all wall to wall along the wide streets with tall apartment blocks. Sonya and Albani met us with smiles and hugs. They are a young Albanian Christian couple who belong to a church that although they don't know us have taken it upon themselves to welcome and help us come to Shkodra. It is amazing how much friendship they are extending and we feel very blessed. Sonya is 24, tall and beautiful and very smart and warm hearted. She loves Jesus and wants to live for him, seeing him expressed in peoples lives. I took to her straight away, it was a great help seeing as I missed Anna and Catherine so very much that day.

We began walking - hoping to meet the arranged contacts, and as we waited in a park a young lad peddled up - his name was Noah, pronounced No-ae-ah. He had been cycling around all day to help us find a house. He had soft, gentle eyes, must have been about 15 years old, loved Jesus and wanted to help and serve without a second thought - it was in his nature. Soon he was leading us to our first viewing. It was off the main road, down a potholed street, up to an old communist style appartment block and painted above the entrance in pale pink paint was GERMANY - must have been there for the football. Up we climbed, and I felt so alone. We steped in through a steel door and there were two rooms filled with furniture - old chairs and a bed, some bunkbeds and a table. There was a bathroom with a hole in the floor and a kitchen with a walled sink that was crumblimg. It was small and compact - I looked for a balcony and the view was other appartment blocks. The family who owned it spoke strongly about all it's benifits and I began to try and imagine myself living there. As I walked back down the stairs my legs began to shake, weak beneath me. I looked steadily forward, put on a brave face but when we were weaving in and out of market stalls going single file, my heart ached and I cried out to Jesus, for Him to hold me and take care of me. I felt His strong, loving and reassuring hand with me and silently I let my tears fall.

The next place was much nicer - in an older part of town near the mountains with many fruit trees in the yard and very close to where Sonya and Albani lives. I was asked to make a decision and though it didn't fill my heart with joy I figured that no place in Albania would immediately be all I dream of, so I decided yes. We waited in a cafe for the next hour or so and them I had to go back to sign documents for renting the apartment. It was decided that Sonya, Noah and I would go to do this. As we stood outside gathering ourselves together to go a strong whirling wind began to rumble, blowing rubbish and dust up in circles in the air and the skies were are a darkening blue-grey. As we pushed the two bikes along the road the rain pelted down and down and down! Thunder cracked and lightling lit up the sky and torrents of rain fell. Sonya hurried along worriedly, I just was amazed and hurried and laughed as did Noah. He kept exclaiming "oh - wha!" as they do here and he would duck his head down, glance over to me and grin widely! It was the best I had felt all day!

It turned out that the contract for the house was not at all legal - so we couldn't accept it. We ate spagetti at Sonya and Albans house and 8 hours later got back into the Land Rover for the journey back south. It felt like the first day of my new Albanian life. I got home and was exhausted, missed my friends, missed my family and fell of to sleep and to sleep.

The following days have introduced Bible studies and fellowship times with Margaret and Judith, sitting on the steps with the mother and daughter who live below Margarets house, talking to a young gypsy boy who sells cassttes at the end of the road where I get the bus to Tirana. I'm often jumping on and off the fugon minibuses to get to Tirana to do emails or any other town work that needs doing. I was at church yesterday with a bus load of people from Bathore who go to a church near by. I'm meeting people, talking with them, finding my feet, enjoying Albania. Margaret, Judith and I are all praying about the move to Shkodra, the right timing of it, the right house. We wonder if it will be a three story villa - where each of us with have a level to ourselves. I really like that idea. God knows what is best and what is perfect and what fits in with His plans - and that is what we are asking Him for. I do have great expectations of all that is ahead. God has me here for a reason. To Shkodra and to the North!

Firefly Week

2006-07-26T16:08:00.000Z

We had a great adventure...
(as soon as I can work out how to put photos on - I will)

After arriving into Tirana we were picked up by Margaret Reid, the long term WEC missionary here and bought into the centre where Margaret had some people to meet. We were sent out for our first Tirana experience when Margaret asked us to go to do the shopping in the market - melons, olives, bread, local cheese, onions, tomatoes and the like were all on the list - and the market was alive with sights, sounds and smells and friendly vendors interested in foreigners. It was hot outside and bustling. Anna and Catherine loved it and we made our way round getting lots of good and tastey natual foods. From the start Anna and Catherine opened their hearts to Albania - natural travellers indeed!

By the time we got to Margerets house - tired and hot and dusty but content and excited and happy, we arranged where we would sleep and dropped off to the the sounds of Albania's night - this night it was drums beating for a wedding, dogs barking at each other and hundreds of crickets singing their song while a muslim dirge occasionally rang out. It was as though we were lying in a bed in Africa - the heat and the mosquitos to add to the effect! Was a good introduction to a foreign land.

The next morning a bit bedraggled we set of bright and early and got on a fugon to Korce. We flew round the high mountains in a spacious minibus - two young lads travelling back and forth from Italy kept us entertained along with the speed along driver who stopped at a cafe for a soup and coffee break. It was lovely - there was a soft flowing river, a gentle breeze in the warm air and a nice cappacino with cream on top to enjoy. We stopped again at a natural spring and filled up our water bottles with the most refreshing water to be found. The driver took us to the very doorstep of where we needed to go.

We arrived a Dorcus International, a Dutch Christian humanitarian project that so kindly offered us accomodation - but meanwhile it had to be cleaned out as it was a shed like place that had just been flooded! After a coffee we ended up helping out the lady cleaning and began to form a nice friendship with her - Lirika. Catherine had a picture for her - of God wanting to pour out his love upon her as gold, knowing that she had lost a lot in her past. The next morning while talking with her again it turned out to be so true - she had lost her husband many years ago - leaving her to struggle through life in many ways. (Here's a picture of the sitting room area of our sweet shed - very makeshift but became affectionalty familiar in the short space of time we were there - the good company made it home!)

That afternoon and night we wandered around Korce - cafes, finding postcards, visiting the big othodox church. A couple of old men showed us around the grand building with many icons of saints and apostles and with joyful blessings upon us wished us farewell as we left - one reaching out finally to Catherine pouring out upon her the blessing of finding a beautiful and good husband - Catherine making fine efforts at her language understanding in returned blessed him back by saying "and to you too"! One of the best things of that day was finding a wonderful sweet shop with cakes and baklava like we had never seen before - we took our time picking out cakes before finding a park where people all milled around, the old men playing backgammon, cards and dominoes and others sitting around catching up on the days gossip. In the heat we talked and prayed for Albania. Tierd out we found a restraunt called The Danub, though it was empty it looked very posh and we dined with the best of steaks and finest fruity Albania Merlot wine and a delightful young waiter who seemed trainned to serve royalty! And all of this to the background of 1980's love songs!

The best of all the marvels of that day was walking home late at night down the large dusty road, past great concrete arches that we could not work out what they were there for, and looking out upon the dimly lit bushes and trees that ran on the sides of the road Catherine exclaimed - "look!" and for the first time atleast for Anna and I we saw the buzzing light of a firefly. It was like a fairly from a storybook, then there were two - we were transfixed! It was so much fun. We stayed on the look out all the way home seeing new ones occasionally aswell as searching out the milkyway and bright stars spread out accross the Albanian night sky.

There is much more to write about - the trip to the village Sheqeras - our drivers to the rescue that drove us along the road that would have taken us from morning to night otherwise, meeting Dite a lovely Albanian older lady who treated us like daughters in her simple home, finding a church called Church of the Hebrew Carpenter - a small fellowship of christian opera singers who sing hymns at the top of their voices and then ate ice cream and fruit with us entertaining us with conversation and song! Also the night time ritual of the whole of the town gathering to walk up and down the roads of the town or city - talking and laughing, catching up. Kids in the park with their families till all hours at night and the finding of a wonderful lit up and musical fountain surrounded by a cafe that sells divine hot chocolate. Travelling up north and welcomed into a christian lady's home to be fed great food and sweet coffee and the three of us laughing uncontrollably because of the heat and all the funny things of the week - and there were many. Thankfully she had three daughter all the same age as us and she loved us for it! There is much to tell. Albania offered us the best of itself and Anna and Catherine saw it in the best of lights with open hearts and tender souls. I miss them lots. They entertained me no end!

Mary's Thoughts

2006-07-11T01:03:00.000Z

I am having a sleepless night. I shouldn't be. It's almost by choice - and a foolish one as my day is busy and full tomorrow starting with injections at the doctors at 9am... I go to Albania in a week - that's my validation for not being able to sleep - but I don't reckon its so simple. I have thoughts to work through - lots of my own thoughts that I don't want to deal with, so with a water bottle to drink from at my desk and the light from the computer the only light in the room I face an avenue to finding some answers, I give myself a reason to be awake at 2am and I start to write and update this blog which I havn't written in for weeks.

I've looked back at "expectations" and read what Mary wrote - I jotted down a few things hoping they would speak to me or make me think, and they have. My house mates Anna and Catherine and Anna's boyfriend Owen were talking tonight about God's leading and leadership in church and ministry - and how it is often a narrow road - and a surrenderd one to Gods choices. So Mary's question of "God - should I expect you to call me out to great things?" rang a chord, and I feel like I have an answer. I think the question in itself is good. If you are really willing to do what God wants you to do - then he will lead you into great things - and they are great things by God's standards - quite often contrary to what we hold up as great. The only reason we love beauty and art and friendship and justice and anything good is because of the Spirit of God or the image of God. That's what I think. So to give God your will, so he can give you his will is the only starting point to anything of greatness in Gods eyes - cause he will have a good and perfect will, and he will have good works already ordained for you to do. Jesus was all about his fathers business - and if thats what we're looking to be sold out for - then yeah God will call you into great, great things - by his great, great standards. Which probably means servanthood, sacrafice, meekness, faith that stretches you, hurts that hurt you, love that melts you, joy that is great, family/friends that are wonderful and difficult and wonderful, burdens for people that are heartbreaking, seeing the world as it is that can almost crush you, seeing the beauty of life and loving every minute, seeing people come to know God, seeing God win, seeing the goodness of God in the land of the living.

Is that the calling of God upon us - isn't that what we are about - isn't that what we are walking or climbing towards when we seek after Gods will for our lives. To me that makes the whole world the place of God kingdom and our hearts and minds unlimited in their avenues to be expressive of God. I think that although we can do so many different jobs and live so many different lives I think if we truely desire Gods will for our lives and ask him for this - not once or twice but by the very act of being alive, it it is what we are living for - God will give us a vision and a heart that follow his own, and we will want to walk down that narrow way - no matter what the cost.

Then I read "sheer receptivity, utter dependance and radical reliance" - Mannings words on childlike relationship to God and His great power and mercy and love, and the great cost paid to follow with our very lives has a great balance in the fullness of God in return. Expectations - there is no call from God to be utterly dependant unless He is utterly dependable. The expectations that God has on us - are fully in relation to His capacity to be all that he has said he is. There is no cross to bear - but for the joy set before it. Following Jesus is our greatest call, and he knows the will of the father - and the father is God himself who has the whole world in his hands - he has great things in store for those surrendered to him. And that's obedience, and I wouldn't even dare to begin to write of Gods love that we can recieve and know so little about.

Then I read Mary's recent post - about "as it should be" and although things seem unsettled in big and small ways in personal life and in the world at large - I feel glad that the struggle is there - that there is no peace when it comes to strife and injustice and hurt and loss, and there is hope although at times only a thread, hope in God and the differnce he can make - and even if it is just in a small way - through the capactiy of a christian wanting to see God bring life and healing and taking a step towards being like Jesus and reaching out - then it's worth the struggle. It's cool that God has allowed the world to be seen and the hurt to be felt, it's cool that he is sharing his heart. I pray for his spirit to be alive in me - to mold my heart and mind and use my life for his will.

And all these things are not nicely tied up in the end - not in this blog - not in this life! And I should be in bed sleeping, and I havn't spent proper time in prayer or in reading the Bible for days even weeks. And I've know grace anyway - and I feel free, but my old self comes creeping in and I know I'm in my own strength right now and I want the comfort of other things - I need water from the eternal well and I find myself a thirsty but don't drink, I need the bread of life and I find myself hungry and empty but I don't eat. It's not Albania and thoughts of the new life, the narrow road there - it's my need keeping me awake - and I've still not prayed. I must and I will. Mary your thoughts have let me find grounding for my own thoughts - and I've meandered through - and I've found a space to speak the truth of me, so bless you for all your insights and writings and struggles and thoughts! Goodnight - I hope I'm off to pray before a long awaited sleep.

Here and Sheqeras

2006-05-16T19:59:00.000Z

Well, I've chosen a day to write which isn't a warm, gentle breeze kind of day in the metaphorical world - more of a ... mmm... still, greying evening, with hints of light pink clouds. I've had some brill times of closeness in these last few days to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit but sinking into the joy is a wonder of how I'll manage with the changes ahead of me. I'm no longer going to be living in Tirana, Albania's capital - but instead I will find my first year in the foreign land in a south eastern village called Sheqeras. I'll fetch my own water and live the Albanian village life. I'll be immersed, no gentle easing into a pioneer type existance - but head first dive in. And that makes me excited, and that makes me wonder how things will be. I am so glad to be in Gods leading and in living the life He has called me into - but I am so human in my emotional response to change - and feel myself at a loss in certain realities. I'm looking around me, looking for solid ground. It's not being afraid of whats ahead - but trying to find standing in the here and now. The wait is on, the questions find themselves in my sleeping dreams.

I'm putting off getting preperations in place - piling on my desk is requirements of writing a will, filing for residency in Albania, sorting out my taxes, prayer letters, contacting people, seeing people before I leave - its far enough away to not seem real - 2 months away. I'm working at Bridge House again, back at Bond Street after 3 months away, time is going to fly and I'm just going to have to do these things and then say good bye. I hope for good times in these days - but find I tread water at times not swim with direction - and today I just want to dive under and find treasures to take away everything from my mind. I shall sign off - addios!

Isle of Lewis

2006-04-30T20:29:00.000Z

I've been up in the islands of Scotland for the last 2 weeks - visiting churches and schools speaking about Albania and missions and my testimony. It's been challenging and great - spoke at 22 meetings altogether. There are lots of people that will now be praying for me as I go out in the middle of July. The Isle of Lewis is my home really - my dad is from there - but as we grew up all over the place I've never lived there - so was a gift to be able to speak accross the island and be known. Life is so full, and daily bringing its own growth and choices - I'm grateful, know a faithful God, and still live with myself and all my weakness. Gotta keep fighting to stay afloat and live in fullness. Don't think I'll ever get round the mystery of being alive and journeying to heaven - gotta keep on making this life count - and it's only in looking to Jesus and finding my way close to Him in the midst of it all. Keep on looking to be overwhelmed by His love, for both myself and others.

Noah and Jacob

2006-04-05T20:39:00.000Z

My beautiful nephews. I will miss them when I go to Albania. I wish I knew them better even now.,I don't live near them, so don't see them as much as I would love to. Noah is amazing. He loves talking, learning about everything, achieving everything - he'll face a challenge and come out the winner! Jacob is beautiful. So calm, so sullen, loves him Mum, loves his food. I remember them first born. It's such a priveledge to be related to children. God's wonder and miracles are magnified in these little ones - so complete and full as individuals - they will just keep on growing up. Love these boys - want to know them well.

Expectations?

2006-04-04T08:29:00.000Z

Any advice for me on my expectation thoughts in the blog below?
Is it too abstract?

Seems like reading about potential for so much - transformation of world, living in community, the kingdom of heaven... well expectation should be high - right? I want to be running into the radical of the simple faith and living out the reality, being like Jesus - in joy and suffering and relationships too.(I'm one who could be highly idealistic...I don't think that's bad, I want to be.)

I believe in what I wrote though about "no expectations" (I wouldn't die on a hill for it however..!), and I think it is a certain way of life, but I sure don't want it to be a self protection that is limiting. I think I've got some wisdom there - but I wonder if there is any insightful ones who can see "yeah - that's good", or "well.... not too sure about that...."

Expectaions

2006-04-03T10:45:00.000Z

I'm learning about not having expectations.

I used to live that way - in regard to travelling to new places. I found myself in that wide open space of no expectaions. It didn't mean that I would not recognise wonder or when something was likable or unlikable, nor was I without emotion. I would go to new places literally with no expectations of what I would see or feel or what I would gain - and with wide open eyes and an adventurous heart I had so much curiosity and enjoyment of everything I found. Not having expectations - meant that the possibilities were endless, unthought of, unlimited.

I can't say that it's been the same with life - and with friendships - these things are truely intricate! So tied up in experiences, emotions, hearts, minds. There is so much potential to be affected in good and bad ways through relationships, through family, through friends. It's near impossible to not begin to have expectations - of either being hurt or being cared for. That journey of building expectations began as a baby. My array of expectations of others have gone from innate, high ideals, shattered and all the other varrying degrees over the years. In more recent times as I gradually once again grew in daring to be known, loving and being loved - somehow with that acheivement came a flood, a return of expectations, hopes and high ideals. And again such potential for dissapointment!

Dissapointment is not bad. It's life - it's even valid. There is no one who has all as they would wish - it's not up to us to have all we want and the perfect life for our own sakes. No one has that place on this earth. God alone has that right. No one is exempt from dissapointment, and dissapointment is not bad - it's valid, it's reality. We should learn to accept it, but that does not mean we are without passion or right desires or acheivement and without fight for what we want and believe in. Ideals are good - but not at the cost selfishness and the perfect world for me, how I imagine things should be or what I think is best. Me is not the aim. We as individuals cannot provide or obtain what is perfect for us. Gifts to our lives come from outwith ourselves. We cannot create our perfect world, where people are as we desire them to be, or where verything is in its place, and all is right with the world. I don't believe we should be so tied to our own expectations. At least I am learning that. It's not reality. But that does not mean we should not love, nor does it mean that we wont be enriched by others.

I am learning to trust the Good Shepherd as he leads me in everything, and as He is my provider not only in some area's but now in all areas (as actually He always has been) I find though that I am full of my own expectations. I imagine how God will provide, I ask for things and hope. I want to loose my expectations. I just want to recieve as God would provide, and trust him to do that. Freely given, freely recieved. I recognise that as a way I want to live, I want to choose to live that way. Open hands - ready to recieve - not grasping, tightly holding on hands, keeping what I want, looking for what I imagine I need. It's the same in relationships. No more reaching, no more holding on, no more trying to keep - instead keeping open hearted, keeping on growing in the love that springs from my heart - from God, keep on giving - but have no expectations - only with open hands recieve and enjoy when freely given to. Life and friendships will always be surprising to me that way. And life has a freedom that is not seeking a perfect world for myself - instead life and relationships can be open and full of possibility or not... An added ingredient of course must be wisdom and insight. Ofcourse I need practicallity and to do my part in choosing what is right and good for my life. But can you see the fineline difference? I don't want to expect things to be as I think they should be.

But with God there is another kind of expectation, not in ways that we think God should work - for our own ideas and thoughts and hopes - but in His sovereignty, in His love. These are a granted, a given. There's no wavering, there is no remission. I just need to be open - I don't want to limit God's love or provision by demanding it be done in my way - for my hopes and gains - I probably would ask for much less than God would lavishly pour out upon me.

Lord Jesus - I'm learning again - not to expect the best, not to expect the worst - but in freedom to recieve and give. I hope I can live that way. I want to recieve that way. I'm learning to trust with abandon. I'm trusting in you. My expectations are in you, may they not be my own.

Blue Sky and Sunshine

2006-03-30T08:30:00.000Z

Candidates orientation is now over - 2 intense months of great inspiration, further growth, a deeper impact of reaching the unreached peoples of the world with the message of Jesus and His great salvation, emotional growing up, challenging team dynamics, the best of people to meet. Loved making friends there with the other 9 candidates getting ready for moving out to new places, and loved hearing the depth of peoples journey into God. There were chapel times each morning (After house duties and breakfast. No sleeping in!) and they were so brilliant. People who had lived by faith for years - relying on God, living daily in His word, they brought jewels and gifts of Him for us to think on each morning.

The other night it was raining, pouring down. I popped out briefly wrapped up in my cagoule anarak and got some Thai King Prawns in Chilli Sauce and rice from the Chineese takeaway. I came home, ate and watched Northern Exposure Episodes... it was fun - just being normal and everyday and very chilled out. I'm back home in Bond Street! And Birmingham too - brilliant seeing friends, being back at church, and being home with Anna and Catherine - my self-adopted family.

I'm going to Albania soon. Not till the middle of July. Sometimes feels like I'm wading through rivers to get there. I'll be pleased when I arrive, cause then all will make sense - I will be where I am meant to be. And I know I desire greatly to be there. I know I am meant to be here now thankfully too - but I'm being uprooted. I wish I was grown up, self contained, confident and brave enough not to feel insecure about that. I still want to be a part of my friends lives. I need to realise and believe that I am. I need to not look around me at what wont be my life for very much longer, although it will be for my friends - cause it's my life that I've got - and God's making it a tailor made best fit for me. I love Him - He's my constant clear bright blue sky and sunshine no matter what the weather. And it is bright out there - all the way to Albania!

How sweet it is to be loved by you...

2006-01-29T18:05:00.000Z

I'm grateful. Today a group of us who just met each other last tuesday were all together in London. We travelled to visit a church which is being planted in a difficult part of London, it had been a central part of were major rioting took place in the 80's. Its a huge estate, multi cultural with various social problems - drug and gang related no doubt. The church was held in a portocabin type building, there was a sunday school and a small youth group and a service all taking place in the same space in different corners. It was freezing outside but so warm inside. The message preached was about Gideon taking an army of 300 against 120,000 and God equipping them and winning victory through them - all of God's doing through his chosen people. God does it today and in that warm building God was winning souls - and His presence and their servant hearts were tangible. Young teenagers who looked as though they would have no interest in sunday school were humbly listening to a middle aged lady reading from the Bible to them. Was awesome. Loved it - and there was homemade lemon cake with icing and hot coffee in the middle of the service too! Our little group made ourselves at home in the midst of them - we are going back in feburary to be with that church for a week - we are looking forward to it. Our group is all together as we are going through missionary candidates course to join WEC and each go out to different countries to actually be missionaries! Never thought this day would actually arrive! My thought and feeling through out the day was how sweet it was to be loved by God - how sweet it is to love him and I know he is taking me deeper in my bond with him and it truely feels so sweet to my life. I feel like I'm taking baby steps still - and one day I'll know what it actually feels like to win a mighty battle by the hand of the Lord - I'm so glad he is tenderly leading me to that place. He is God and there is no other.

Cafe times with Catherine

2006-01-27T13:43:00.000Z

Today - I must update my blog. It has been over a month now since last writing. I have tons to talk about with my new ventures of life - living in a manor house, missions trainning, visions of Albania, gratefulness to God, desiring to be filled deeper with the Holy Spirit - and I will write of these things for sure - but all I want to write about briefly today is my friend Catherine.

You would love to meet her, and you will enjoy her thoughts and musings as she writes her blog - Station Road Oakly. I get the priveledge of being her Bond Street housemate. One of our favorite things to do is visit the CAFE Cafe. It is two seconds up the top of our street with "CAFE" painted bold and red upon its outside wall. It's not very big inside, and serves all the good traditions of an english cafe - hot bacon, egg or sausage sandwiches, big mugs of tea or coffee and other options I never really go for - all revolving around tastey english breakfasts. We sit in there when we can, and play backgammon! Catherine had this uncanny thing about always winning and leaving me with just one remaining piece to get into my side of the board. Always so close to winning I can never believe that she takes the victory so suddenly and easily and so often! That exciting moment breaks us out in loud laughter every time! But that is because she is Catherine and that is the fun we have in playing an old mans game such as backgammon! There is much to say about her, I am just pleased to know her and share life with her. And while I am away from my adopted home for these two months of missions training I will miss Catherine and those times and happily look forward to the rematches in the cafe with a mug of coffee where I win 10 games in a row!

Edmund loved turkish delight...

2005-12-23T11:12:00.000Z

Edmund loved turkish delight and harboured his annoyances, selfishness and hurt inside. He became deceptive, traitorous and foolishly won over to an awful cold and unloving kingdom of the snow queen. But through Aslans plan and Edmunds good brother and sisters and through the journey that Edmund found himself on - he figured out what was good - and after escape, reconciliation and selflessness in battle, Edmund knew that it was possible to step into the big shoes of being a king - and being called Edmund the Just. That's cool, it's redemption, and I'm so glad of it.

"No one would love me if they knew all the things I hide. My words fall to the floor as tears drip through the telephone line. And the hands I’ve seen raised to the sky not waving but drowning all this time. I'll try to build an ark that they need to float to you upon the crystal sea. Give me your hand to hold 'cause I can't stand to love alone, and love alone is not enough to hold us up we've got to touch your robe, so swing your robe down low, swing your robe down low. The prince of despair's been beaten but the loser still fights, death's on a long leash stealing my friends to the night. And everyone cries for the innocent, you say to love the guilty too. And I'm surrounded by suffering and sickness so I'm working tearing back the roof. And the pain of the world is a burden and it's my cross to bear, and I stumble under all the weight. I know you're Simon standing there and I know you're standing there."
~ Caedoms Call, "Love Alone"

No one would love Edmund, no one would love me, knowing all the things he and I hide. Yet in the end that's not really true. All that hidden stuff is seen - somewhat by those around and entirely by Jesus, and he still loves and he knows the way through it all. I'm on a pursuit of holiness - being set free from the haunting sins and self will that leads us nowhere,to nothing - orelse through mountain paths to icy kingdoms of entrapments. God, like Narnia's Aslan is to be feared but is so good, has the great plan of redemption and the ability to look us in the eye giving us courage and humility and a contrite heart. And our friends and family love us like Peter, Susan and Lucy - or Simon standing there - ready to help lift the burden of the cross. And the pain of the world is a burden - but it's our cross to bear. Us and our struggles, us and our burdens, and our great God over all who walks with us and tries to reach us, who leads us and fills our heart with passions and compassion - He will makes us kings and queens - cause we are already in his family, already his heir, and we are part of his great work of healing the broken and setting the captives free, and along the journey we become who we were always meant to be - the great sons and daughters of the King!

just a part of this big world

2005-12-01T11:45:00.000Z

Took a walk - up along the road, past the chocolate factory, up to the christian bookstore, into a cafe. Sat and wrote - drank hot chocolate, took a walk to the park and stood by a little stream and thought through my questions.

I got that feeling of wanting to run away again, wanting to break every chord and connection I have with here - a place I might have some semblance of belonging. I know its cause I'm leaving soon, and I know its cause there can never be a perfect place of forever friendship, life and love. I crave that permenance, and get so dissapointed when I feel its not somthing real, and I don't understand why I feel my heart breaking a little. I'm afraid of loosing whatever I might have gained, recieved, given. I know I'll just miss my friends. I always do. Are we meant to care and feel this much? I do mostly think so.

I'm glad I get to work these things out in my own way, in my own thoughts and walks - cause until I do I just want to be gone, away, unseen and unknown. I'm glad God is there - to hear me and know me. These lonely days are just a part of this big world.

Bond Street Winter Days

2005-11-16T20:52:00.000Z

I wish people could see how lovely my little home in Birmingham is. There are fairy lights around the front window - and the window itself is gorgeous. It has stain glass in the top frames and is divided up into an arch and long lengths of glass. In the sitting room we have cozy couches and a great old fire place that is always ablaze with burning coal and wood now that winter has come. My house mates have decided they want to bring the charm back into England - and that they do! It is a quaint victorian terraced house with charm and unique tastes of Catherine, Anna and I. There is often music on - whether eva cassidy or worship music, aim or jack johnson and a whole array of other sounds. I suppose the most wonderful of all is the loving friends that they are! And that makes a happy home.

I'm more and more excited about relating well to people - having an open heart to learn and recieve and ultimatly to love. I'm glad to choose relating to others as a primary purpose for being alive. So in thinking about running with God in His plans for life and living - in actually doing something fruitful in this sorrow filled and joy filled world - I'm just so confident that God will take care of my life. He's given me so much - and even if I have nothing for a short time (I'll never have nothing with all that I have recieved in this life already - family, friends, memories.)- I know I'll have Him, and His good provision that goes beyond what we imagine.

Returning to Albania

2005-10-24T22:57:00.000Z

The Promised Land. I wonder how the people knew the land was promised to them - what faith spoke to their hearts that told them they would reach a place of milk and honey? I wonder too how I have held on to this imagination that I would be somehow connected to Albania? I've had it for so long now, and once again it is coming into sight. I'm speaking with the regional directors of WEC on Saterday - they will inform me of developments for a project being set up in Albania for children in crisis. Rainbows of Hope, the branch of WEC that are pioneers in the cause of kids at risk, have finally allowed Albania to be on the open list for places to work. If it is right and if the way is opened up - I get to be the one who goes first - to research kids at risk in Albania and pray in a team to set up a work, a project - a home. So saterday is important, and the next step in this seven year journey of mine. If all goes to plan I will be there in the middle of next year - just in time for my 30th birthday. It took its time - from dreams of an eight year old - to be somewhere that struggled, to be a part of it, to live a Jesus life there. It's okay it might take me till my 30th year to get there. I guess the boss of my life has long term plans. I'm hoping He does.

Another dream of this return is to get a four wheel drive and with two good friends - Anna and Catherine, to drive through England, France, Switzerland and Italy - all the way to Albania! What a great way to start the new venture. What a gift from God if it does all come about. I'll write all about it as it happens.

Hello Jenn

2005-09-13T10:15:00.000Z

Hello Jenn,
How is life in Texas? How are the days going?
Hope you are well. I don't have any contact details - email or address.
Let me know how you are doing,
Hope family life and settling back in the glorious state is flowing well!
Love, Beth

4am

2005-09-01T14:15:00.000Z

About 4.15am I snuggled into bed. I was in London all day with Lisa and Jenn, a good day spent - great American friends in this foreign England, British Museum, Portobello market street, and a pub lunch. A good day. Couldn't bring myself to leave at the end of the evening - so very wisely decided - Jenn and I thought good talks in the pub with a pint was the way to go instead! Enjoyed that a lot - especially talking and listening - and just to add - I love you Jenn! Anyhow tierd feet later Jenn left me at the bus station close to midnight and I went to sort out my ticket. I couldn't really believe the state of things there at midnight. There was a couple who were truely down and out. The lady sang with a bottle in hand. Another older lady in a long coat was like a bag lady - although she was holding a big droopy scruffy cuddly toy instead of bags. There were one or two African people trying to get to Manchester even though it was a Birmingham bus. An old eastern European man with only one eye and his shoes taped up with selotape was trying to get on the bus with an out of date ticket. I had a ticket that was for a few hours earlier and was told that if I paid £2 it would be okay to get on. The flustered bus conducter didn't think so! In the end he said I could get on if I bought a new ticket - so that was all I could do. I went to the cash line and it was out of order, I returned to the bus and saw it drive away without me - and thought - that man didn't really want to help me...

There was another bus an hour later - but it was dark now and so edgy out there. The station was all closed up, and people sure did seem strange and outside of security. Life is not simple nor is it comforting, although these warm things do exist and bless us often. A man asked me for the time and thought I was stupid when I told him that the time was written on the tv screens in the station. I wondered out on to the street and a big guy with red hair and beard asked if he could help me. I said no, I would sort things out myself and walked away. He stayed around and asked me again - so I asked if he knew anything about trains or buses. He said no - but went and phoned national rail enquiries - and I thought he might be being genuinely helpful - but still sensibly wary about this strange man. He walked me half way to the cashline so I could get money for the next bus - he stood there making sure I was safe. We sat down on the cement leaning against the wall of the bus station and waited and talked for 40 minutes until 1am. We spoke of life, of God, travels and cities lived in, of family and of a garden allotment where his late grandfather used to plant rasberries and sweet peas. He brought a lightness to the dark.

On the bus at that early hour there was a man with crutches, poorer looking African immigrants and at the back a lady who opened can after can of beer until we reached Coventry and she wobbled off the bus into the humid dark blue night. I felt lostness as I felt the lostness of others - that feeling of being unfound as I heard a friend once say :) But on the bus rattled down the motorway and eventually the brakes skidded at Birmingham coach station and I feeling in the twilight zone wondered how to get a taxi to get home. I went into the waiting room. It was 3.30 in the morning and it was full and musty - again Africans and people waylaid and one or two people crashed out who looked like homeless drug addicts finding a warm place to shelter for the small hours. I phoned a taxi that never showed up - so half an hour later went outside and asked the taxi driver who was parked there if I could take his cab - he said I needed to phone and book. I tried the one after him and he asked me where I was going, then asked the people behind me where they were going - as they were going further he motioned for them to jump in. I was so upset that people did not have a heart of help. A nice young taxi driver pulled up and took me home, again we talked all the drive there. At 4.15am I opened the door, climbed the stairs and snuggled into bed.

recent days

2005-08-27T19:16:00.000Z

Why is it so hard to sit and write a blog at times? I wonder why it feels like there is nothing to share although life is so full of work, travels, friends, family and all that happens in society in general. Well, I thought it was time to say something - anything!

Recent life has been a trip up to the Isle of Lewis - off the west coast of Scotland - a place like another planet really if not another ecosystem. Was great seeing family, friends and the melancholy remote landscapes. I made a second trip up to Scotland a week later - to Glasgow - attended a conference there about children at risk. It was amazingly informative and practical and I met people who so humbly devote their life to radically changing the way the world is at its worst. Again I have dreams and visions of my part to play in chipping away at the injustice, particularly in Albania.

In the midst of the day to day going to work, tidying house, figuring out what to eat for dinner and talking and laughing with housemates - I had a wonderful visit from two Chicago friends! So life is happening, life is dynamic, life is good and life has a bundle of unexplainedly hard things amongst the colour and smiles.

I have decided too - that along with it being hard to sit and write of things, it's hard to sit and read the Bible, hard to sit and talk to God, hard to make decisions of the disciplined life. I was thinking of that and found great comfort in the words that neither life nor death can seperate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. None of the happy or challenging or mundane or tragic or comical things of life can seperate us from the love of God.

Two other things that have been colourful little times of recent days - On midnight I was out looking one night for Mars - and I think I saw it close to the moon. I also had a dream of diving for stones at the bottom of the ocean and these colourful stones were made into an amazing pattern at the bottom of the ocean and reflected into a glorious, glowing pattern upon a big bright moon in the night sky. Quite cool, quite out there above the skies! No day is boring although it seems to be, and these have been the recent days for me!

upward call

2005-07-22T15:47:00.000Z

The computer would not let me post a reply on Allans blog - but I wanted to say that I find myself in that place more and more frequently - a place of restisting Gods strong love and grace, with an ever awareness of my small heart that is limited and runaway with thoughts of self and defeat. This past weekend I was a way at a conference and was asked to confess my idols - I found self proctectiveness to be quite high on the list and with a deeper look found unbelief - defending myself as one who did not care that Jesus did not love me... So strange, I never realised it so deeply before, and wonderfully I found the love of Jesus able to forgive and accept the hardness I felt towards him. It feels like there is annointing when we recognise Gods glory and intimate love for ourselves as individuals. I see people differently - I see them as loved by God. My insecurities in relating to others fade as I know that I am free to be myself - loved by Jesus. It doesn't stop there though - it's only a deepening of all the reasons to dwell in his presence, recieving, worshipping and trusting - being ready to be a risk taker, and a lover of people with truth becoming ever more vital. Bring on brokeness and meeting Jesus there, bring on faith in the otherwise thought unobtainable and bring on the solid life that is able to stand and express all that has been granted by the great I AM. I want an upward vision, I want depth and firm footing and I want the wonder of all that is good from his hand, and I want to be like Jesus - sharing what the Father has given to him.

Batman begins

2005-07-13T13:59:00.000Z

"it's not what is within a man, but what he does that defines him" I thought it was an awesomne quote - a kick in the right direction I think! We have dreams and hopes - but the time comes to live them out, and I guess that is what we are all trying to do - but words like that give me an extra zoom of ambition - to keep on keeping on with the aspirations within. Really liked the film too - despite the scarry mask man.

I have not written on here for ages - I've had time out from everything - even time out from myself - not cared to face some of the things that challenge me - but I'm happy to have taken my time - I know that the long term will bring all fruit to bear, and from this recent rest I feel ready to spring back up from the ocean floor and burst up for air refreshed. I'm still under the water so to speak - but in a week or so I'll be up on the Isle of Lewis with 10 free days! I'm so excited to have time to reflect - time to walk on beaches and on the croft, time to plan and dream and get some ideas in motion, time for good food, maybe wine and on the not so sunny days a nice fire in the living room fire place. Will write again from that Hebredian magic!

breath and energy

2005-06-21T10:44:00.000Z

I'm beginning to feel an almost imperceptible renewed breeze of life coming through me - just a slight return of energy and life/breath. Spent the last two weeks with bronchitus and flu and hayfever - full of thoughts - full of alone time, full of whirlpool emotions. But today - just today - I feel a little bit of strength a little bit of life. One day I'll have something to write and say - but it is still not yet. Looking forward to hearing the griffen house album - looking forward to living with enthusiasum and life! Bring back the energy and joy - bring back the love and expression - bring back life!

moving day

2005-06-01T15:09:00.000Z

Today - cooler than normal, everything is dark green as its rainy and humid and clear. I'm sitting in an internet cafe with funky soul music playing, I've got a diet coke and a cheese toastie - taking a well appreciated time out from the life and the world around me. It's good around me - but more of the adaptation realigning is taking place. I moved home today. Left Mum and Dad and the family home for the last 10 years.Everything is all packed up and the end of an era is now. Moved to an unknown part of Birmingham to me - Stirchly, with two great girls from work, to a nice old terraced house - but the same day I move in - Nancy has moved out - she is going back to the States after being here for 3 years. I understand the feelings of it after moving back to England from the States - a whole year ago now! I can't believe the time has gone so quickly... Everyone will be getting used to something or someone new - and soon it'll become normal and great - but today is the day of the move...

creative space

2005-05-26T13:03:00.000Z

Tonight there is a "creative space" time at the hostel where I work. People have painted paintings, wrote poems, will do drama. I've been to hardware stores, painted pictures, written one or two words, sawn, built a frame for Carol's painting. I love that feeling of practical work on a summers day - put the music on, get paint all over my hands, make an acheivement of sorts. Nothing too profound to share - just ticking along with my own visions and dreams forming themselves in my heart and mind. With all the priveledge we hold as healthy, mind active working people there is so much we can do throughout the day and the long term for the good. I've been thinking of the minature earth and the fact that we belong to this generation - there's tons we can do, we got a place in this earth. Tie in the heart of God and the surrender of the cocooned life and we can live and move and contribute for the better in this creative space.

dreams in waiting

2005-05-15T23:48:00.000Z

A few days ago I was high on a mountain top - surrounded by unspoilt grass, daisies, delicate purple flowers. The view of the surrounding mountain peaks was awe-inspiring but in no way overwhelming - it was a gentle awe, like the warm, almost hot, sun and ever so gentle breeze that indescreetly blew. I was there with Cimmi and Danja and thier 2 year old daughter Sara, Richard, Joanne and Dorothy. We had a picnic of the freshest, ripest tomatoes, homebaked bread, cream cheese and faithful coca cola. Richard is writing a book called "The invisible servant" of his life and ministry in Albania - and he has been there through the war times and has sought to encourage the people that they might know hope which is so lacking in their culture and lives. Many of the old Albanians have been through persecution and poverty, they have grown in perseverance and character and in this are amiable and admirable - but they have no inckling of hope - and the next generation grew up the same. There is the possibility for a new day in Albania - it's arriving - it may be a generation of hope that is raised in young Sara's day - but it will be a huge battle that if won, will be won by God alone through his faithful invisible servants I would imagine. But all this is not what I wanted to say. I went back to Albania unexpectedly last week - arrived home again yesterday morning. My heart is ever more tied to the country, I feel a kinship to it. Although I was in a place I had never been with people I had never met before - it was Albania and I found that strange feeling of belonging again. My thoughts were shared with Richard on the top of another mountain - the longing to fulfill this destiny I have felt pulled to for so long - a life lived of advocacy and an expression of truth and love. It makes sense to me that it would fit in Albania and it would fit with children at risk. I didn't feel wrong in my words or ambitions - but felt that there was still that - not yet, not now. It made me wonder if it will ever be. If I got to the end of my life and nothing was done about these feelings in my bones and being - then I'll wonder why they ever were there in the first place. But I left that mountain top, knowing that it was my heart that was restless - it is my heart that longs to be expressed and God may suprise me in how he brings that expression to light. I'm not giving up on the dream - I'm going to be ready for the day that God might say - now go, go to the battle ground. Until that time I live a day at a time - grateful for provisions and setting in sight the staying on the narrow path of what would God want from me today. What will I do today - never mind the dreams, never mind that future place of serving that I have only seen in my own imagination. God's going to get me there, get us there - today is all there will ever be, and for the long term I'm going to be ready, I'm so glad I get the chance to get ready.

For Lynn

2005-04-24T20:34:00.000Z

I have to write again... because so much can happen in one day. I left my Dad's office this morning, after checking emails on his computer. I was going to the shops to buy some lunch and snacks for a sunday day off from work. I saw a friend who told me that a dear friend of mine died yesterday. I met Lynn and Les about 7 years ago - and they became the grandparents I never had, and good friends too. They loved animals and took care of my well adored border collie when I lived in Albania and my parents were half way accross the world. We would often be together in the park we all loved, and Lynn moved into our street after her husband Les died. Les became a christian before he died, and he had been an atheist for so long. Lynn missed him like crazy, and longed for heaven, and she is there now. It aches though - to know you love someone and can't let them know anymore. It was a special friendship that only we had, and I'm glad.

May Day

2005-04-24T11:06:00.000Z

Just would like to say I wish I was with you all on May 1st. I'd be there ready to talk through these issues - to dream, to surrender, to be lifted up in faith. I don't come accross people who are so passionatly tied to these matters of global perspective. Even if I do - as to be honest most people I know have some passion about the world and its realities - there seem to be so few who would want theirs lives to be turned upside down as the cost of being a part of some move towards life, for those crying out for life. Jenn, your bringing it back to Jesus is so good - because I am prone to think far and wide on fighting injustice (what's the point of empty thoughts!). I want to be a part of it - I think that is the strongest yearning of my heart, but above that I want my heart permeated with Jesus - and for my life and work to be an out pouring of Him, of the message of the cross. We serve an awe-inspiring God of Love, Justice, Sacrafice and Freedom. See what is there to do with these feelings and thoughts? May Day sounds like a good venue indeed.

dark part of my soul

2005-04-08T22:44:00.000Z

It is silent, staring out the window
feeling alone, inferior, unknown.
It feels unobtainable -
yearning for acceptance, keeping isolated, retained.

It is broken, crying quietly and within.
It's not all consuming - except for moments in a day,
sometimes days within a year,
years within a lifetime.

It's not all of me,
only the dark part of my soul.

Pour light into the darkness,
a flood of bright exposure -
In a wide open space let fresh breezes and glory freely flow
Till the brown dark earth sparkles
daisies, buttercups and precious stones
in dew kissed blades of deep green grass.

Kirk and Amy

2005-04-08T17:47:00.000Z

Gonna keep it short and sweet - cause no one writes on my blogs!! It's one of those insecure kind of days - wondering about my worth, and thinking it to be small in others eyes. And Kirk Franklins song just comes to mind - "try to call your best friend, but he's not there, so you wind up feeling empty like no one cares....there's a man from glory full of mercy and grace. He'll pick you up, he'll hold your hand......................." and on and on!! Kirks songs are great - you just end up singing them and getting carried away if your not careful! And Amy Grant ofcourse - one song always helps - one song I knew decades ago - "I love a lonely day, it makes me think of you" Bringing it back to God, and it reminds me to talk to him, when I'm feeling this way.

happy with myself

2005-04-05T15:45:00.000Z

I wanted to think about who I would like to be, with all the shallowness of certain hopes and the deeper dreams too...

Right here goes - completely just as my thoughts flow. I want to be full of life - able to have energy - to run and dance and be comfortable in my own body. I guess to be able to be the right size - to fit well to my bones, so I can wear the clothes I like and look nice. At the same time to have health, a nourished and well watered system! I want to enjoy the simple things like bubble gum and the weather. I want to be open hearted and have conversation easily, and be able to laugh at silly things and be cheerful. I'd love to have some adventures whether that would be dirt bike racing or trekking through the jungle, or wildlife exploring - watching lions and tigers. Or maybe just taking a train ride with some friends to some interesting city or countryside. It'd be fun to know music better, get to find some nice cafes, or know some scrumptious recipies for milkshakes or cakes to make when friends visit. I want to have an open heart to this world, and an awareness of what people are going through, and wisdom and affection enough to share with them. I want to spend each day - with time to chill out and fellowship, but also with time set apart for quiet, for study, for growing. Overall I want to be open for life and ready, able and willing to embrace it - and bring kindness to it.

I guess these are my goals for now - no longer an ideal of changing the injustice, my vision just extends to being happy with myself... maybe then I'll be granted another burden in my heart, another passion for standing firmly in the gap. I don't have that right now - it's turned simple, it's turned inward, and maybe the hardest work ahead of me is finding that contentment with me. These aren't unobtainable ideals - I guess I just got to start living. Proverbs 3

ps - I guess I better let you know what I'm up against... my natural tendancies - laze around the house, eat some good food - once in a while I'll cook something, watch tv shows for a bit, roll a tobacco cigarette for myself, smoke it in the garden, possibly find the motivations to clean my room, take a shower and have a walk in the park - maybe even read a bit of a book. I've started so many over the past 3 months... Work is my main motivation and church, meeting friends too. Keeps me right! I got a few battles to fight a head of me if I want to be happy with myself!

day in the city

2005-04-02T12:08:00.000Z

The good weather is on its way this side of the waters.

I spent yesterday in the city centre with my friend Mark. I like that, when you get to the stage of knowing the city, it's best places, where to walk, just a feeling of belonging to the buildings and streets. We found a good place to eat in a fancy restruant under the ground, almost like a victorian, gothic, medieval, sumptuous place in a cave! Saw a film at an older cinema, where all the kids makes lots of noise, and the popcorn is sweet. Then we walked the city, along the canals, exploring old derelict industrial buildings. Amazingly enough a guy from church cycled by while we were peeking in the windows of a giant old mill - although its the second biggest city in England, you always bump into someone. As we got to the new developments along the canal - the up and coming corporate apartments for the young wealthy (UK style gentrification). It's all very nice (stones throw away from the council lowest economy appartments) - new architecture and bridges alongside the old wharf and canal boats - in a part called Jupiter. Passing by there was a young guy leaning out of his boat barge listening loud to old jazz. It was still sunny but setting by now, and we chatted accross the water to him, hearing his adventures of being blown out to sea and his engine breaking, and how he has pulled the boat by hand over the last nine months to get to moor there in Birmingham. He invited us over to the boat, so we sat in, listening to Arabic chillout music and drinking water - cause that is all he had - he was a penniless! His small barge boat was called "The Black Pearl" after Jack Sparrow's ship in "Pirates of the Carribean" and there I left Mark and our new friend Tom Farrow. Finally on my way home, there was an old aquaintance from Iraq at the bus stop that I hardley ever go to. I had known him from working with Sister Margaret a few years back. He still hasn't been home, has endured all the Iraqi war knowing it to be a big business game, but is settling into life, albeit uncertainly. He teaches Math at college now, is trainning to be a teacher and is making all the changes needed to live in a new culture and be a new person in the new life he has to live. He's doing great, but he just seems sad, and no wonder.

Anyway - it was a day in the city, and I loved it.

disciple lostness

2005-03-30T19:24:00.000Z

I realised I'm battling every day - trying to find my way to Jesus. I just don't mind saying it how it is. The disciples spent three years just not getting the Lord, following, committed and often not understanding what was said, or why things were done the way they were, or why they were such failures at times. They didn't mean to be - they just were. That's me. I feel like I'm trying to make excuses to get out of responsibilty, I feel like my honesty is supposed to free me from the hard work I need to do in my life. And Jesus knows it all!! He doesn't mind me having to learn hard lessons, He's so ahead of the game! Am I visionless right now? Maybe. Am I learning that Jesus loves me? Yeah. Do I want His discipline? I'd get nowhere without it. Jesus - pick me up - give me a vision of you. I'm slow to hear, so slow to see. Take me out of my world and blind me with your glory. My only fear is that I would stay unchanged, that I would be quick to return to my self. And how I love and truely long for the gentle saviour to bring me to quiet rest. This doesn't make sense to me any more!!
~Sweet Jesus, you never, ever let me go, oh, Sweet Jesus never ever let me go.~

much afraid

2005-03-27T15:33:00.000Z

People are really good aren't they? People have been so good to me - opening their home, their friendship, their fellowship - and still I come back to my own home and find solace in being alone again - with a familiar self deflatedness and loneliness that I wish I was free from. I think it comes down to people just not being enough, maybe it's people being not yet totally connected as friends of mine - but I think, I know, it's more of a lacking within myself. See like Jars of Clay sing - "empty again, sunken down so far, so scared to fall, might not get up again...of all of these things, I'm so much afraid, scared out of my mind by the demons I've made" and the beauty and the answer comes with the only true message that comforts my heart and soul - "Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go. Oh sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go."

He rose again two thousand years ago by this remeberance day of Easter. Sweet Jesus rose again. Peter saw his Lord again - the failures that must have broken Peters heart, when he let down his dearest friend - found renewal and healing in the comfort of Christs love and Lordship as the risen Saviour called out once more to his beloved disciple and friend. That day when Peters heart was so empty and fallen, sunken down so far, Jesus never letting him go must have made him about to burst with cherish and joy.

Why am I empty? Why do I fall? Why do I hide my face from Jesus? I know that when He calls out my name, when He offers to meet me, to hold out his hand to me, when he calls me friend and shows me that I am loved so much by Him - I know my joy is complete. So caught up in self, so blind to Jesus, so cold to Him. I need to be transformed, changed, I need to answer the call of Jesus, I need him. Nothing else will satisfy, no-one or nothing else will do. Tender love, risen Lord - I am like Peter, I deny you every day, and I am much afraid, but my heart knows that you are Lord and I want to worship. Thank you Jesus - you are beautiful, you are alive, you are everything.

new pottery

2005-03-26T18:02:00.000Z

Day of work is over, glad a friend is coming over tonight - cause there are lots of ways people leave you stranded - big and small, and the little dissapointments I'm finding more apparent as I grow, and I feel more of a need to be graceful, and hopeful. So a cool and calm and hanging out time tonight should be a fine tonic!

I'm once again an open book. Life has unravelled and the dream of street work in Albania is totally on hold, but not forgotten. That door was closed quite firmly shut at this time and in that specific place, and now I'm as unaware of what the future holds as on the day I was born! I had this picture of a new lump of clay, not that the old me and the work of the potters hands needed replacing - but I feel like I am about to be made anew, and this jar of clay is becoming a collection of humble designs. I'm okay with that - it's actually all that I want - to be made in the image that the artist has in mind.

Waiting and holding on tight as the wheel starts spinning. Splashes of water bring some smoothing over but really, this lump of mud is being plyed right now, and its not so comfortable. I guess we all need to go through the purely individual experience of being made.

blessings! Beth

I want to try jet-skiing!

2005-03-21T23:58:00.000Z

I saw "Hitch" tonight. If you've seen it - I laughed so hard when Sara saw her grandfathers name signed at Ellis Island! I think it's great finding out unexpected things about people. I reckon jet skiing in cool blue shades is an ace idea too... Enjoyed the film overall for its reminder of the fun of love and friendship. I'm learning about that in myself - I know now for some reason, that those feelings can be true - even for me. Funny how for 28 years that never exactly sunk in before. Hitch didn't bring about that transformation I might add! Just glad for the comedy.

I'm slow to understand who I am, and how I feel. I've loved and lost and not quite grasped the fullness of two in love. I don't mind - because I'm still free and life keeps on being new each day, and there is possibility for love - not only the love that I am called to, but the funny joyous kind too. Freedom to limit love, freedom to let it grow. Undefined. Family, friendship, people - I'm surrounded with opportunity - to be hurt, to learn, to be blessed. Life is tremendous with the good and the bad - but I have an inclination that there is a winning outcome in this openess to love.

I like a verse in a song that goes "I never knew I was built for hurricanes. My heart, my heart is a boat on the sea." Yeah the waves of the hurricanes, I know what it's like to go under, but the still seas and the caves and bays and the tropical storms, the pirates, seagulls and treasure islands are in the path of the sailing boat too - and how surprising it is to actually ride out the storm.

interview attempt

2005-03-14T14:41:00.000Z

Interview questions from Jenn ~
Here are the official rules of the interview game:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."

2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.

3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

6. I will answer reasonable follow up questions if you leave a comment.

Here are your questions:

1. Describe the place where you are when you feel the absolute freest and best you’ve ever felt in this life.

I remember one of the proudest moments of my life to date. I was in 7th grade, living in a small mission boarding school on the west coast of Africa - a beautiful, palm lined, sunny sky, beach coastal, red dirt road, simple housing place called ELWA (Eternal Love Winning Africa). Every year there was a science fair - a big deal to the school, as we lived without media and other entertainment things! I did a project on corrosion - as rust was a common aquaintaince with everyones property! I left the dorm family, walked out onto the beach road, then down the little dirt track through the jungle area up to the small school and on to the gym where all events were held. There were a few people around, it was just before the sun was about to set. As I got up to the gym hall entrance Jason Stonesifer was there - the most rebellious and goodlooking guy around in our wholesome missionary kid lives! He came up gave me a big hug and said well done. I was like - what on earth for? There were only a few elite who would win the science fair - Maria Blees usually did as she was aboslute intelligence personified. Still without a clue I went in to the hall where all the paintings and projects were displayed, and there was mine with a big "Grand Prize" ribbon on it. No way... it couldn't be for me... and it was! Not even first prize for my class, but grand prize of the whole school! I ran out, ran back down the dirt road, up along the beach and out of breath told my dorm parents, they were as pleased as could be, but no one felt like me - I was as high as a kite. I've never felt that exact way again. It was a feeling of absolute happiness, proud of myself, approved by people I loved and just full of life. I think being in that place of natural beauty with humble creation and freedom, secure in good friendships, being loved, and finding self worth and achievment is a place of joy for me.

2. If you could only have one meal for every meal for every day for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?

I reckon it would be rice with chicken, chilli's, lime and tomatoes combined somehow with melted cheese on top, and an ice cold tall glass of water (I would detox from diet coke - cause would love being thirsty for water again) and maybe I would have a tangerine for desert and a small block of chocolate for something sweet. I think I'd be alright with that everyday. Healthy enough, and I just love the whole rice thing with those good flavors - and I'd eat it with a spoon - must be something to do with rice and soup days of Africa!

3. You are given the opportunity to record a CD with your new band and the first single hits number one on the charts. What is the name of your band? What is the name of your new CD and the hit song? And, who would you thank on the inside cover and why?

My band would be called "Ocean" cause it has a celtic sound to it, and I love the coast and the sea. The cd called "Anthropology" - would be influenced by Celtic, African, Albanian and American (African and Native and Other American) music, would be fairly alternative with gospel themes interspersed. I think the hit song would be called "no expectations" but not sure until its written! I would thank my sisiter Rebecca on the inside cover - for making my spirit alive to seeing people and life in a more realistic, humorous and artistic way. There would be other similar thanks too.

4. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?

Probably my confusion to knowing actually what romantic love is. It's alien to me, I have ideas and notions, and appreciation - but when it comes to living it - I'm lost. Agape love is my hearts first desire.

5. What piece of art speaks to you the most? What does it say?

I don't know... that's hard. There is one I like - just it's nice and friendly its called "Dominicans in Feathers" by Henry Stacey Marks. It's a painting of penguins on a cliff face. I like the colours and the warmness of it. It's hanging in the Museum and Art gallery here in Birmingham. I'll show it to you Jenn, when you come to visit! It would be excellent if you made it for a visit after Peter Munros wedding - we could even go up to Scotland to explore a bit, and maybe plan and trip with a few others too. Keep ideas coming. Would love to have you visit.

loved by God

2005-03-13T23:02:00.000Z

I try to please God, I try to be worthy of His love, I try to demand His love, but none of this makes any difference - and in a moment He shows me His love, and He pours out His love, and it makes me beautiful in His love. My prayer is to thank Him, and my prayer is to see His love. This is true, this is wonder, this is love, this is Jesus and the love of God. My heart overflows with a good theme, the love of God. Loved by God. Holded by God. Treasured by God. Loved by the most beautiful God.

amy charmichael

2005-03-13T09:21:00.000Z

Before the winds that blow do cease, Teach me to dwell within Thy calm; Before the pain has passed to peace, Give me, my God, to sing a psalm, Let me not lose the chance to prove The fullness of enabling love. O Love of God, do this for me; Maintain a constant victory. ~ Before I leave the desert land For meadows of immortal flowers, Lead me where streams at Thy command Flow by the border of the hours, That when the thirsty come, I may Show them the fountains in the way. O Love of God, do this for me; Maintain a constant victory.

catching the waves

2005-03-10T02:20:00.000Z

My world is going upsidedown, or maybe not upsidedown - but certainly hanging in the balance - almost as though I'm waiting on a wave, just about to be carried - but don't know if it will take me under and cream me, or or if I'll ride it smoothly to shore. My heart has been open, and my spirit longing for the place I have felt so called to for so long. Already I think of the individual kids that I have dreamed of being alongside in their lives. And it might all happen still, it might all be a miscommunication. I wrote a special, good man that I wasn't ready to say a marriage yes to him, and he wrote - if that were so - I should not come at all. Why would he say that? It has to be miscommunication! So I decided I will not yet grieve this, I wont believe that he means what he says. I'll believe he is only hurt, and in a few days he will write or call, and he would accept me as I am (expectant of feelings of love, in time, in such precious service together) So I'll silently wait, waiting for the wave to break.

home from work

2005-03-05T18:11:00.000Z

It's a cold evening, just finished work, and tomorrow is a day off... nice. Mothers Day is tomorrow - over here - this side of the Atlantic, and will hopefully go to church with the parents and it'll be nice to be there once again. I think I'll go out and see "Life Aquatic" tonight with my old friend Mark. So normality rules. Quite nice really. Everything's 'nice'! Need that though - the chilling out time - but with it is a dormant thought of what I need to do - to live this life well. Although some things are on hold, and I choose to just switch off and relax - I want to keep up with the essentials in the long run - time with God, healthy living, being the best I can be. Often just hopeful hopes! Anyway - just capturing my feelings before my small weekend begins! Hope all is well with Chicago life at the moment.

back to basics

2005-03-03T00:06:00.000Z

I saw "Corporation" tonight. It's good. A bit of a bombardment of information - but really worthwhile. All of this stuff is beginning to sink in. Want to return to happiness and joy and good living amongst people in good communities - but there is such a weight to this world! It was good to confirm and solidify the mistrust in the corporation ways of this generation. It will be interesting to see how people (me inparticular) find a way to live differently in light of such info. Crazy thing is I was hungry for a MacDonalds throughout the film!

phonecall and following

2005-02-28T20:44:00.000Z

Tonight I got a phonecall from Albania. It was Milto - as cheerful as he always is, with loving words that he always has - telling me he misses me, he is proud of me and asking when I will be there with him. He was with the kids - they had all been playing ping pong at the seafarers centre and now they were back at the home where they sleep. It is a cold and poor place - but where they are sheltered at night, fed, cared for and where they learn of Jesus and pray. It's a place where they feel secure in the protection of Uncle Milto. Senada, a 14 year old girl who is now pregnant spoke with me - asking when I would come, telling me she misses me. Then her brother who told me it was so cold over there right now, and Alexander a sweet young orphaned boy who I am just filled with so much affection for asked his nice kid like questions - leaving silences for me to fill in, with my broken Albanian language. I think about what it means to decide for love, and for the greatest desire of the heart, and I know there is so much that would fight against choosing the more sacraficial choice of another culture, of poverty of sorts and of leaving behind another place I have come to call home. But there is a deeper desire! It is wanting the way put infront of me by God. Can it be that there is such a way? Gosh if it were not so - so much of my life would have been a fine but coincidental misendeavor. I know when I have been in the place provided for me that I have loved each moment of every day - despite the challenges. Right now I am with a great team of people, now friends, working with others who have so many heart ache struggles. A girl that I have stayed awake through the night with a few times has been cutting herself terribly - but this self harming is part of what I am being taught about, being prepared for the future with. I think about what Allan has said about the notebook - what would I want? Well, give me numerous desire of my heart that I would choose - and I would love them - be it places or people - and I would struggle along as I do today. But with the heart given over - longing to be where He would want me to be - I find I am given the option of life as I never could have guessed, going places I never would have thought about, and doing things I didn't know I could handle. I have no idea how that all comes to be, and as to finding that I am one desrving of the love being offered to me from a godly man, and the trust of kids that need some loving attention - well - I don't deserve that at all. It's not the easiest following - but it must be the place where I will find the most happiness - although I don't know how it happens. I've loved every day of ministry to the refugees, of serving those who once were homeless, of studying at Moody Bible Institute, and I know I will feel the same in the ancient city of Durres on the Ardiatic Coast of Albania - with gypsy street children - who will become my friends and who will command my heart. It's so funny that the things that I think about alot are the things that you guys write about too - just we all have our unique ways of life and searching about us. Yeah - there's a core - the underserved grace and the seed planted in our spirits that we had so little to do with ourselves. I have no idea about the way our God works! I went to bed at 5am in the morning after waiting for Debbie to come back from the hospital - I had spent no time with God for a couple of days, but he answered all of the prayers Gareth and I prayed into the evening with before we came on to work that night. I was full of my feeling small in Gods eyes - but the only verses that I briefly opened up to read in Romans were that the things we want to do we don't do, the things we don't want to do we do - but God made a way through all of that - I'm set free. I don't get it yet - but I was made secure again until my next self despairing. I'm wandering blind - but given a gift of a color filled scene before me as I see God at work despite my weakness and in realising that yeah - God still has a place for this selfilled oftentimes confused one. Thanks to Jenn and Allan for the thoughts after God and the light hearted insights to encourage. Blessings!

narrow vision

2005-02-24T22:18:00.000Z

Thinking about the message of "The church has HIV" over the last couple of days, random thoughts have come to my mind. I remember thinking about the grassroots involvement of the Christian - the small scale of holding hands with a dying person or carrying an orphaned child to a place of safety and nourishment. And Jesus - the one who extends far beyond our visions passion - his meeting the individual needy one within a crowd and also preaching to the many physically and spiritually hungry and convicting the thoughtless or the proud. His simple message of "follow me" to the disciples - and there were only so few. So is the church the praisers who shouted "Hosanna!" seeing their hopes ride across palm branches on a donkey, are they the thousands who ate fish and bread, and the faithless town asking for a sign? Yeah - Christ's compassion extended far upon them - as it has upon us. But my simple mind thinks that the 'call answered' belongs only to those who have counted the cost and who step upon the dimly lamp-lit way infront of them. And the church triumphant? On the day of burial in Jerusalem was it not the fishermen and their brothers along with a Roman centurian and the grieving women who sat at the tomb?

What little I know of the Church... Honestly, it has not been in my heart and soul as it should be. But the followers of Jesus build up my heart - and I want to be one of them climbing the mountain with goodnews. I am so grateful that there are followers that have a vision for the church, I selfishly don't want to wait with the wandering, bleeting groups of sheep huddled within the fence - I want to be with Jesus - pulling the crippled one from among the rocks or searching high and low to find where the lamb is crying. But what on earth can another dumb sheep do?! That's the highest mystery of it all - the Shepherd thinks we can help. No wonder the bleeting crowd stays huddled - it's ludicrous to go out to the wilderness.

Maybe tho' - some are called to go out following and helping, surrendering the uselessness we have - to be used by Him and following His lead - but also to return and show with joy the victory that really exists is giving up the safety and the futility. Maybe others are just called to go and not return to the larger fold - but their giving lives will bring the Saviours joy and salvation and restoration to those outside so desperate for aid. I think whatever we hear Him tell us to do - we will always be called to follow Him. He is ministering to the Church, and his blessing is rich and abundant - but as far as my tiny understanding goes - I think His work is out there in the dying world. I have no strong idea of theology and I thank God for his love of the church, and his patience and his purposes and kind intentions - I'm reckless and have no message for the closed in, I just want to go, I just want to follow - so I cry out and live by the love, patience and kind intentions that Christ has upon my life - and I count the cost and can think of nothing finer but to go to the high places and the low valleys and if I can shine upon others, as He has shone upon the world - then I am happier than I could ever imagine to be.

So highly inconclusive - the thoughts of mine upon the state of the church. I don't even really know what the church is. I want it to be the followers of Jesus, I want it to be the unsaved that find Him, I want it to be the weary who don't fully grasp or understand that their Saviour loves them, I want it to be the sinfilled ones who experience forgiveness. But I am so glad that the grace and love of Jesus is poured out on the church, and if I was worth any of my words I would pray for the loving discipline upon it, that I am needy of in my own life. But, yeah - the spiritually hungry church, self preserving believers, the millions dying of aids, the orphan, the poor, the widow, the stanger, the sick, the sinful and the blind, lame and dumb - they are all in the same boat - they need to hear the loving compelling call of Jesus - to "take up your cross and follow me" - maybe then they would find that they are all in the same place, knitted together - in their need of salvation - with hearts and souls open to the indwelling Spirit for healing and joy, maybe then the church could start acting like Jesus to others. In this troubled earth - we are all only fleeting vapor that will find its true rest in the eternal dwellings of the Fathers Mansions. It's not time to find comfort huddled in a fenced field. Jesus has a purpose beyond our imaginings and yeah, I would imagine that it extends far and wide to beautiful Africa and its dying population. I have no idea - how he is going to do that. Just want to be a willing sheep. I would hope that the church would be willing too. He's got the world in his sight - and he loves the world. He has a purpose for every single believer.

This scribbling could go on and on... if any endured so far down the page, well - I just want to hear more about the vision for the church and I want my attitude to be challenged and added to. I don't just want to ramble - and I find I am getting quite serious about the whole thing!! In an important attempt to not become entirely boring I think it's best to make this the last word - now!

a novice and a fool

2005-02-19T09:48:00.000Z

Today I came home from work - feeling foolish. Seeing myself that way, knowing what a novice I am, in everything. So many new beginnings, adapting so many times, new friends, finding a new belonging, and then all of a sudden I see things as I temporarily believe they are - that I'm sitting in on a life that others live and belong to, and really I'm only a novice - and my words have been foolish. My thoughts are foolish and my ways are too. With all my insecure defended pride of sorts I find I am alone in my soul and I want to be sheltered, I want to find my island where there is no one but me, so that I can be safe and fly free, surrounded by sun and sky and sea. I might need to go there someday, but in reality I do have a place in this world - with all the beauty and torrents that surround and I suppose with gratitute and eventually willingness I have no choice but to be a novice and a fool.

first venture

2005-02-17T23:52:00.000Z

Well, there are many firsts - and this is one, to start a form of publication - so very unlike me, although would love to write something of worth one day - so may as well begin to get some practice in! The matter of presently writing something of worth... well...not keeping my fingers crossed about that - but I have the great ones who have gone before me to learn from!

This is all for now - a mere hello to the blog world... I look forward to all of this... it feels like there is something new to take hold of, the ideas that change the way we think and help us look at who we are.

Addios!